First post - DBing for last 2 months

[sandi2]

My previous post was getting long, so I'll continue here. And before I forget to mention it, have you read Codependent No More? Since you have been reading lately, I hope you will add this one to your list.

I'm angry at the radio silence from home when I'm traveling. I'm tired of being sad, and unable to plan beyond the next week because I don't know what's going to happen at home. I want to feel that all this personal improvement and focus on my R is helping, and I want to see a change. Its so hard to focus on anything as during non-busy times I go back to thinking about what's wrong at home. I get sad / mad seeing couples walking down the street holding hands - I want that again.

I may be completely off base here when I say that I see you looking to your W to acknowledge your efforts about mostly everything in your life. If/when she doesn't acknowledge them, your negative emotions kick you down.

For some of us, we look to our spouse for encouragement and cheering us onward.......or at the least, act as if they noticed. It hurts and can cause us to hold resentment if they ignore what we do. Actually, we are desiring affirmation (love language), and if we receive constructive criticism, it completely shoots us down. We especially take offense when it comes from our spouse. A lot of MR problems come about through not speaking in each other's love language.

I don't know if you have thought about it, so I'll just mention it. We have to be cautious about something when we want affirmation about most everything from our spouse. The problem being, do we place our self-worth in their hands? If so, that is rather dangerous, don't you agree? It is always nice for others to recognize our accomplishments, to receive compliments, etc. However, if we depend upon the approval, praise, or acknowledgement of others or from one particular person.....do you think that is handing them the power to determine our self-value? If not, why would it affect our feelings to the point of being depressed or angry?

The point here is that that one person doesn't get to determine what we are worth. If they acknowledge what we do, or not, it should not have any bearing on our value. Their opinion about it should not promote, or demote, our self-value. If they offer what they call constructive criticism, we should be able to gracefully listen without reacting. We should be able to consider what they say, and then we determine how or if to apply it. If they praise us, we should gracefully appreciate it, although realizing it doesn't increase our self-worth. Who determines our value? Our spouse, our employer, society, friends, parents?

I would like for you to think about who determines your self-value, and there is one more thing I hope you will give some thought. Who is responsible for your happiness? You are on the road, working for your family and feeling lonesome and probably a little unappreciated. You feel angry b/c nobody from home is showing they give a rat's a$$ about you, right? That's completely understandable to me. However, let me share with you what I learned when I came to the DB board. My spouse is not responsible for making me happy. Wow! That shot down all my fairytale mindset that he was suppose to make me happy! Nobody is responsible for my happiness, except Sandi. I have to make myself happy. That takes the responsibility off my H's shoulders and puts it squarely on mine. Along with learning that about my own responsibility, came other things. I had to learn that he was not responsible for my moods. I was the one who had power over how I would respond and behave. It wasn't his job to make me feel better. If he put forth an effort, then I would appreciate it, but not expect it and certainly not punish him for not making an effort to change my mood/emotions. Make sense?