Resentment about "why do I have to keep being positive and strong and such" all the time creeping in.
B/c you are the one wanting to save the M. At the moment, she is not convinced she wants it, therefore, she is not investing any work toward a better M. You are working hard to become a better man who wants a better MR. Recognize that you will experience mental, emotional, and physical fatigue from this hard work......but do not allow the mental/emotional exhaustion to slide over into resentment. A case of resentments is hard to cure.
Once she decides she wants to do whatever it takes to save her M, then she will start experiencing the effects of hard work, too. At the moment, attending MC may be all the "work" she can do.
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Just feeling a little sorry for myself today, so giving my W a little extra distance till I can re-group...
Good idea!
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Thinking back I think many of these criticism arguments spiraled out of control because we're both stubborn and had to be RIGHT in our approach versus seeing that the other was trying to help or maybe, just maybe we had missed out on some detail where our way wasn't so perfect after all...
So, how do you intend to deal with future issues where you both believe to be right? B/c it's coming. And when it comes, I hope you will see it as being a great opportunity to put into effect what you are learning. This could be a huge 180!
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I never thought I'd think this, but I'm not liking who's she's become or at least her really low opinion of me. Its making me feel very cold towards her, and its scaring me. I get she's been building a lot of resentment towards me for apparently years, and that I inadvertently helped, but I still don't like knowing she thinks so low of me that I'd resort to trickery or that I do anything to hurt our kids...
If it's any comfort, this is a trait of the wife who has decided to leave her H. When she sees a sudden change in behavior from her H, she has very serious doubts about his motivation for so many changes. That's why it is important that you know your own motivation and to be consistent in the improved version of yourself.
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How does one try to fix a relationship because you believe its more important to have the whole family together - without trying to fix the other person?
Okay, let me answer this question as if I were your W. "First of all, I do not believe I am the one who needs to be fixed! Second, I don't appreciate you wanting to fix me. Third, by you thinking I need fixing, that is like saying that I am the problem....and when I get fixed the MR will be fixed. That takes the responsibility of the M breakdown off of you and puts it all on me. Therefore, I resent you even more for having that type mindset".
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Maybe I'm too focused on measuring progress in terms of changes in her versus changes in me.
That seems to be typical in newcomer H's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
