I've had so much time to sit and analyze my situation to death. And I've realized some things. The only time W was as much into me as I was into her was in the honeymoon phase of our relationship.
I can look back now with some clarity and see that I had idolized her. I put her up on that pedestal and devalued myself. I'm not saying W is a bad person, I'm saying it was me that lost myself in this R. And I need to own that because no one controls me except me.
I've also looked back and noticed some discrepancies. Things that W told me that turned out to be fibs. I'll spare you the details, but it's crazy how distance can create clarity.
W really wasn't saint that I thought she was. She is flesh and blood like anyone else and has flaws like everyone else. She just made me feel so good about myself, she was my self esteem.
I'm realizing now, that self esteem can only come from within me.
W left me and I felt completely and totally lost. I didnt have my own identity. My identity was as W's partner and father to our kids.
Very slowly, I'm learning to be ok by myself. I still miss W and having her companionship but to be able to not experience panic 24x7 while she is gone, is a godsend.
I'm so thankful for the things I have in my life. My family, my job, my friends, all my DB family, my IC, and for another day.
Keep the faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
