What the heck is this?

[job]

I was wondering when you would discover the lying. Here's what is going on w/him. He's depressed and in his depressed mind, he thinks he's logging into the computer more than he actually is. He doesn't realize that he's losing time. Sure, you saw glimpses of the old h when he was home...but that doesn't mean he's not depressed. They wear masks around certain people and it takes a lot of energy to put on that happy face and/or to deal w/people in general when depressed.

Is he lying? Yes and no. Again, I don't think he's got the life of riley going on right now. I think he's got some issues w/depression.

Let me ask you this....have you been really really busy and thought you had done something and later realized you hadn't? This may be what is going on w/him.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I've seen this happen to others while depressed. They become forgetful, their minds become mush and yes, they lie to cover up their odd behavior.

As for living there because of the suppliers, that is just an excuse...but it is also his escape route for not being around a lot of people who know and love him. They find excuses and sometimes those excuses are just that...excuses.

I would watch the business end of things very closely to ensure that things run smoothly at your office and if you need to call him on his bs about the business, do so. As for what he's doing otherwise...continue has you have been w/little or no contact.

What he's doing is very normal for someone in MLC.

[mleigh4]

I just want to add to what Job said. I saw it first-hand with my H, he would start doing something around the house, then start something else, then get sidetracked by something else. He would leave to go "here", and end up going "there", completely forgetting about going "here"! He continues to forget things on a regular basis. He would have really dumb excuses and lies to cover, but I realized I think it came more from being either embarrassed or confused.

Their brains really are mush. Don't take it personal, I really do think a lot of it is unintentional.

[tfish08]

Mush memory is sadly quite common...Mine keeps promising my boys
to pick them up from school and never shows. I know it is not on purpose..he just gets distracted by shiny things lol. It is quite frustrating though

[mleigh4]

Oh, when it effects your kids like that, not good. Can you talk to H about it, maybe have him stop telling kids his promises, and if he remembers, it's a surprise? Or not give him the option to pick up the kids? MLC mush or not, that is not acceptable.

[tfish08]

Oh I know it. I have told them daddy's mind is a bit loopy and he cannot remember what he says anymore but we love him and he loves them very much. I have yet to see him face to face for a few minutes to talk to him about this. When it serious business it is best to do it face to face as he overthinks any texts or message I may send him. I would rather him not take them but they beg daddy to go to his house. It is rare though. He usually stays here. It just depends on where he is on the lunacy ferris wheel.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you Job, mleigh4 and tfish08 for helping to "bring me down."

I've calmed down and am doing better today. I'm so glad I've learned to do my venting here and not grab my phone to send angry texts. I want to thank all of you so much for the support you give me.

Job, I'm aware of many lies he's told, but I always assumed the lies were mostly about things like what he was doing and who he was doing it with or to try to manipulate me into doing something I might not want to do, but is of benefit to him. I really have to be wary of the manipulation thing because he's pretty good at that. It just never occurred to me that he would lie about something as mundane as doing remote sessions on his computer. It just seemed so completely pointless.

I think you're right. He probably really does believe he keeps a closer tab on things here than he actually does. And I can imagine that he thinks he spent hours viewing reports earlier in the day when it was actually earlier in the week. I'm thinking back to a couple of days ago when he couldn't remember if he had talked to me earlier in the day.

I know his is not the life of riley. I've listened for days now about all the issues that have come up in moving to his new place and all the problems with the place itself. Apparently, the landlord has not lived up to promises made when the lease was signed. I'm not even sure he had to move ... I suspect (based on things he said a couple of months ago) that this is more a change of scenery in his search for happiness. But, those are his problems, not mine. I just say I'm sorry he's having a tough time.

mleigh4, thanks for reminding me not to take it personally. That's so easy to forget. I think I knew that somewhere deep down last night, but the emotions just washed over it like a tidal wave.

Sometimes I have to just let it wash over me and on out to sea. The trick is not to do something destructive in the midst of it all. In the past, I would have not behaved well, but I got through it this time. Yeah!

And you're right, M, I'm not at a point where I need to trust him with the exception of the business. I keep a close eye on that and so far he hasn't done anything harmful. He's too focused on making money (so he can live a care-free, fantasy lifestyle the rest of his life) to jeopardize the source of that money .... thank goodness.

tfish08, I'm sorry your h is so forgetful with your boys. That just isn't an acceptable thing to do to children. We know it's not on purpose, the the children don't understand that. Maybe you can find a way to shield them from that kind of disappointment.

I have an IC appointment this afternoon and I'm really looking forward to putting the last of this chapter to bed. Good timing!

[job]

How did things go w/the IC/ What are your plans for the weekend?

[2Times2Many]

Job -- thanks for checking on me.

The IC appt went well. I vented a little more about h making me feel like he thought I was some kind of idiot and would believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I think I've put that behind me but now I find that when I talk to him I don't believe a friggen thing he says. He could tell me the sky is blue and I'd take it with a grain of salt.

IC was also astonished that he apparently does nothing over there. Her question, "How on earth does he fill his time? Surely his friends work? What does he do with himself?" (By the way, she is coming around to the MLC thing even though it isn't a "defined" illness. We talked a good bit about that.)

I told her I had no earthly idea what he did over there, that I don't ask and I don't really want to get sucked into his life there.

She asked if I intended to stay on my current path (regarding not divorcing) and I said yes, but I knew I could change course any time I wanted to.

I talked to h on Friday morning (his Friday evening) and he sounded awful. He moved on Friday and was calling from his new place (with no internet and no tv). He wasn't his usual chirpy self. I think that's a mask anyway. If I contact him when he isn't expecting it (which I avoid doing), he's not at all chirpy. In fact, he's down right unpleasant until he gets his wits about him Anyway, I guess he was just exhausted from moving and that's why he sounded so bad.

I think a lot about whether I want him back in my life. I certainly don't want the man he is today, but I think about how content I am living on my own and wonder how difficult it would be to live with someone again.

We had elderly neighbors when I was young and after he died, I recall the W saying that although she missed her h, she was finally able to enjoy life the way she wanted. Being young at the time, I thought that was a little cold and unloving. But now I get it.

Sometimes I feel like I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to live up to my parents expectations, the next 20 trying to live up to my first h's expectations and the past 20 trying to live up to my current h's expectations. The last 20 with h?? The first 10 were normal give and take. The last 10, not so much - I became pretty much a doormat. This is the first time I've ever had the luxury to be selfish and do what I want. I only lived on my own for about a year and a half before moving in with h and although older, my kids were always in and out. My time now is truly my own.

It's interesting that when h and I first got to know one another, he would say, "I know there's a different 2T in there. One that has been buried." H was a great friend and did wonders in helping me regain my self-esteem and in helping me revitalize my withered personality. I blossomed. I think that's why I fell in love with him.

I feel like, with the exception of my early years with h, I've lost me (repeatedly) ... I lost who I am because I was so busy trying to be what others wanted me to be or trying to please them and make them happy ... at the expense of my own happiness and contentment.

I think that's one of the reasons I get resentful about doing stupid stuff for h, like depositing his checks. Beyond the fact that it makes his fantasy life easier, I want to rebel against trying to please others. It's like the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. So, that's one of the issues I'm working on ... to find the right balance between doing for others but not losing "me" in the process.

All of that makes me believe that this MLC road wasn't for h alone ... it was for both of us. Now, I just have to work on keeping "me" front and center when the MLC monster rears it's ugly head and not do too much backsliding. I'm still baking, but I know I'll get where I want to be.

Okay ... that's enough heavy stuff.

I spent this morning at the hair salon making the grey roots disappear. I had to pass the mall on the way home and for some unknown reason, my car just turned into the mall and parked itself outside Macy's. I hadn't planned on any retail therapy, but obviously my car thought that was called for. My car is so smart!

Tomorrow is a stay home day ... laundry and such. But I only have to go into the office two days this week. My age spot treatments start on Wednesday and I'll have a few days to hide away while I recover from the treatment if I look like I'd scare small children. The first is a peel, then laser treatments after that. One every 4 weeks.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[mleigh4]

2times. I often wonder what my H does with all his free time. He has lots. Then I will spend some time with him, and I see him busily working on one project, or playing with one of his toys. He is all over the place, like a mini tornado, I can see how time easily gets away from him. It's possible your H is doing the same?

My H also complains often about his landlord. I believe it comes from not liking someone else making the rules. It's much different that owning your own place and doing what you want. After our last big storm last week, H mentioned it was flooding around the barn and water was pouring into his basement, where he keeps lots of his stuff, and that he was out in the middle of it digging trenches and trying to redirect the water. It's hard for me to hear these complaints from H and feel sorry for him, you know? His choice of life I say.

Your IC sounds good. I have thought of returning to it. In fact, if I like this lady I am going to with H, I hope to see her alone after. I get what you say, about it being our journey too. I also love having so much freedom back in my life.

I say, let's enjoy this time, this break and "restart" we have been given in our lives. I am sure it will pay off!

[job]

Many times, the MLCer will sit and stare at the four walls and do absolutely nothing. Other times, the watch the TV. They don't necessarily go out and stay "busy" as we know it, but "busy" to them could mean becoming mushrooms in a dark room for lengthy periods of time.