Quick synopses: H and I have been together for 9 years, married 4. H walked out in August 2015, attempted what I thought was reconciliation and then stopped that and all contact dead in its tracks, stating that he eventually wants a D. Since then, we've had very little contact. I sometimes ask myself why am I crying over a man who doesn't want me but all I can really say to that is because I love him, he makes me laugh and want to have a family with him.
As some may know, the issue of having children and creating the family and life I've always wanted (specifically with H), has been weighing heavily on my heart. My mind often drifts to when all of that will happen for me. But I know everyone here keeps saying to not dwell in the future but stay present...so that's what I'm doing.
I have alot to do to get back on my feet and I just dread it. I don't want to give up on my M even though I feel just like what's the point sometimes as H and I have such little contact. Just want to talk to him, and be affectionate with him. Don't want to feel like I'm wrong or I'll get "in trouble" or turned away from for kissing and loving my husband. That's how I feel now - like a strong, delusional fool. Feeling like alot of time is passing by, though that's not up to me.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
