WAW online EA and maybe MLC

[cubebot]

Maximus,

well spoken my friend. Thank you for jumping in here as requested. I will try my best to reply with my thoughts

1) I am not the most religious person granted. But I would suggest you leave religion out of this as well as poetry. Each one has his own way of dealing with adversity but your problem will only be solved by you with your head screwed on straight.

I will agree that the poetry is probably not the best DB resource and I could probably find anything to support my emotional thoughts if I looked hard enough. My religion is my rock, although once you said this I did some thinking. I am not following the scripture that is being taught to me. I am not being patient and waiting until it is me who must act.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

2) Why is it that when men are BD their idea of GAL and detaching is focusing on kids, cleaning the house and going to the gym? Sandi wrote previously on another post that interaction was more important. I also believe that. How you interact with your W is more important than how you interact with kids or how clean you leave the house. If you did have a bad relation with your kids then by all means work on that but for your R with them not to get W back. As for house cleaning or staying at home I dont think when your W looks at you she will judge you on how clean the fridge is.

I wouldn't say I had a bad relationship prior to BD with my kids, but I have them 6 nights a week after work and i am taking advantage of this time to strengthen my bond with them. I make a point for WW to watch them one night on the weekend so that I can GAL and blow off some steam with by pals. I also pick them up later two nights a week so that I can have some me time and do what I please. She was a HORRIBLE house keeper for the last year and I wasn't happy with it. I don't think I really relized it until after she left but I resented her for being a stay @ home and not putting any effort or pride into out home. Now that she is gone I want a tidy house for me. De-cluttering and boxing her crap up also helps me to get rid of the little reminders and triggers when i unwind in the evenings. Amazing how a razor in the shower or a shirt in the closet can trigger memories. Haven't attacked the fridge yet, but now that you mention it....j/k

3) Most of the LBH that have been called controlling and jealous by their wives generally are. It is true about not believing all that they say nor what they do. However on this do take note. You do have that pattern.

Agreed on this one. I am having issue letting go of control in this sitch and need to get better. Jealousy I think was after reading "no more Mr. Nice guy" was due to covert contracts and not being straight forward with what I needed. Working through that. Thank you for your insight as it helps to have affirmation that this was an issue and does need to be addressed.

4) Your irregular thoughts and actions are also textbook if you read enough posts. I too went through the phases of wanting to do anything to get them back, act illogically to want to be the one divorcing them. This is you wanting to provoke a reaction, generally because you are not controlling the situation. The situation is following a course and timeline different to what you want so you want to nudge it a bit and as it does not work you frustration creeps in and you jump around to extremes.

#Truth

5) You need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself. I know you read it a lot here. Do you know what it actually means?

Not really. Seems selfish at first, but that's probably the "Nice guy" in me talking. I have started doing something for myself when i think about doing something for her. I like it. This I know is not selfish and I deserve it.

You say you have learned and are learning things about yourself? What have you learned?

I failed to ensure that my needs and wants were meet. I assumed if she was happy, I would also be. worked for the sex, but that only lasts so long. We had a great sex life up until the end. I found myself envious of the little things I noticed in other relationships. A random kiss from when another spouse walked by them, a loving text unsolicited during the day, a homemade lunch prepared and packed. Learning about the love languages has helped me realize I am physical touch, and acts of services, words of affirmation. i still struggle to understand what her's are. I think acts of service and probably words of affirmation. As I grew unhappy these slowly stopped being expressed by me to her.

Have you changed your way of thinking? have you adapted to this new knowledge? How has having a WW bring you closer to god? You say it has taught you be a better person and father what about partner?

I think understanding myself and my needs will allow me to better express what i need to be happy in both personal and professional life. I have also learned that I was looking for my happiness in her and not finding my own and sharing it with her. I see know that we should both have our own happiness independently and it becomes multiplied when shared with each other. I became co-dependent.

6) Stop "knowing" this and that. You say you know how this will end but leave many options open, you say you know what your WW wants but you know about not believing their words or actions and that not even they know what they want (as you say later ... she is a person lost), you then go on to describe someone you assume is your wife and what is going on in her mind when here you are taught to not do that. You know what she feels for the OM. Really how?

I broke a rule and snooped, that's how I know. It eats @ me and I guess it is now my burden to carry. Of course I do not truly know what is in her heart and if she is confused or if she may feel obligated to say/do things. I think anyone who engages with a married women and mother and willingly destroys a family is a needy, manipulative, piece of dog feces and she was vulnerable from what I read so I guess I should show compassion?? I do need to stop assuming but I can literally hear her filling out the D papers and asking for the $$ to go file (to which I said, "I will not be a part of or facilitate this D"). There has never been any "I need my space to think" or "I do still want you in my life, but xxx" Just were done, lets wrap this up ASAP. So I guess that eats at me as I read about other WW where this "cake eating' behavior seems a common theme. Not in my case. She has no advocates for our M, only advocates for D in her life.

7) You intend to love her in sickness and in health but want to facilitate or get a D?

No don't want to facilitate, i was going more for the I accept your decision and i will be fine. Clearly not ready to deliver this yet.

I think you should get back to basics. Stop trying to control the situation or find logic in it. There is none. That is why you have to concentrate on yourself first for your own sake and that of your children.

Basics, Check. I think rather than get back to, I need to start there first...lol

I thought I knew a lot of things until I realized I did not. The issue was that by stepping a back and letting everything unfold I saw the bigger picture. I was not affected as deeply by her actions. I expected them. I began to anticipate her actions and situations. I stood my ground and stopped trying to control everything. I started setting up the boundaries and controlling my own life.

I hope to get to this point.

It seems to be working. I cannot fix her nor make her happy. I believe we are piecing but still let her try and resolve the issues she has. She is still suffering internally, she tries to remedy bad decisions we made in the past. I just stand by in case I can help but my life is still my own.

I hope to get to this point.

I see her as what she is. A woman. Like me imperfect and trying to get it together. She no longer is the woman I knew years ago so I am starting to learn about this new person. Discover new things and act accordingly.

She has been removed from the pedestal and i do see her as a human. Imperfect, but so am I.

You need to accept that your WW is WW and judge her for what she is now and with all the crap that will follow. If she does sleep with OM or not does not matter unless a PA is a deal breaker for you. Your main concern should be you have lost her. You are not in her heart so whatever she does she is doing as an emotionally free person.

This is a scary thought and something i need to address. I was her first and that was special. Sadly once that is gone it is gone. I expect it to go and not sure how I will deal with once I get there. Hard to truly grasp this one and how I will react. As you stated though, she no longer has me in her heart and that frightens me. I need to work through this fear. not sure how to.


Thank you Max for you time and thoughts. Glad to hear that you are possibly in piecing. i wish you happiness and hope you will continue to stop by.

-Cubebot