Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[TimR]

I agree with Broke. You are really strong, you just don't realize it yet. If you are not sleeping yet call a friend or your dad. Let it all out and say what you need to say. Find some one to vent that will just listen. I need to do that on my bad days. I have a couple people so I do not over stay my welcome.

Match time is coming right up. If you get matched in on of our areas you better visit. Colorado is pretty and 1313 is from the bay area I think. Its really nice there!!

[Sparkls]

It won't be CO or CA (didn't get interviews there).
CO is my home state though and I think I"m going to go home fora few weeks in April. The sweetest place on earth doesn't feel very sweet right now.
I'm going out to lunch/dinner with friend(s) tomorrow so I'll at least be out of the house.And I ended up buying the damned video game (Division) and played it a little tonight. But this whole week has just been awful. Between him getting his stuff, the stupid xbox, and more of nothing from him, I just can't seem to muster hope.
Match is next Friday so 9 days to go. I'm hoping for Maryland but who knows. I kind of don't even care at this point. Its just another stage of my life that I have no control over. At least it means I can work on moving. Give me something active to do since school is such a bore right now.
I just want one night with no dreams and one morning where I don't wake up and immediately start reeling from the enormity of loss.

[TimR]

I didn't realize you were in Hershey, for some reason I thought Philly. They have such great restaurants there and Harrisburg and it is really pretty.

I feel you on the waking up feeling the loss. Its like waking up with and empty pit in you, you cannot fill along with a terrible ache. I have been better on sleep but that cause how much I have been working out and then staying up to 1 and waking at 6. In the morning then I just lay there cuddling with my dog. That's the great thing about dogs no matter what anyone else things they let you know how much you are loved.

[Sparkls]

Sleeping has gotten a lot better. Still endless dreams but at least I"m sleeping a solid like 6 hours a night (better than the 2-3 during d-day week).
Haven't really done the restaurant thing lately as, you know, going alone would blow.

I'm just doing some soul searching, looking for some hope. I have this one very vivid memory from about 4 years ago between him and I. And it's moments like that that I'm fighting for. Just feels like I'm trying to fighting the tide: I'm always going to lose.

[TimR]

Know how you feel, same here. No matter how hard I swim I cannot make it back to the shore. However when caught in a rip current you are supposed to let it pull you out and swim parallel to the shore and when you break free then swim to shore. I think our emotions are the rip current and we need let them go before we make it back to life (the shore). Earlier on Thornton's thread I felt like a girl now I feel like "What about Bob"

[Sparkls]

So a thought I've been having: the book talks about not continuing to go down cheese less tunnels, right? At what point do we say NC is a cheeseless tunnel? At what point do you do something different?

[Thornton]

You break NC when you know you'll get a favorable response. Otherwise you are just hurting yourself all over again.

NC is for you to detach and get strong. An added benefit to NC, is it sometimes get WAS to miss us and become curious.

[Sparkls]

The whole point of reaching out is to see if you get a favorable response. :-p I'm not a mind reader, I don't know if I"m going to get a positive response.

The other big, of course I get. Implementing is another story. Clearly not there yet.
I guess I'm still struggling with inaction being action. Just feels like the longer I'm out of sight, the further from his mind I get....

[Thornton]

I remember feeling the exact same way when W left the first time.

When she came back, I asked her what she was thinking when we were apart. She told me she cried all the time. This shocked me, I thought she was completely over me and had forgotten about me.

Judging by her Facebook posts, she was having a blast. Apparently it was all a facade.

[TimR]

Yeah I am sorry I do not know what the correct response it. I think while they are enjoying themselves they may think less and less about us. However, when things start getting harder and fantasy gives way to reality, we probably start looking better and better. NC assures us that we are not perceived as crying, begging etc all the other turn offs.

On the other hand the books talk about experimenting with different techniques. Having said that they also say the reason one technique fails is because you did not give it enough time or missed the little signs. Therefore, I am left with how can you tell, especially when you are in the sitch and not looking objectively at it.

All I can say Sparkls is evaluate and put a lot of thought into what you plan on doing. Do not reach out because you miss WH or panic cause you are afraid of him moving on. At the same time do not stay NC because of anger.

On this website they have a post about a guy who talked about being bound and determined he was going to be Ws friend. I don't know that that is advisable. I don't know a cookie cutter approach of NC is the proper way either. I think your chosen method must come from you and you must cease the method if there are negative results. This is all just MO. I do not mean to agree or disagree with any other method or post, cause I could see how each is beneficial.