Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Thornton]

Nothing is wrong with either of you.

You are both caring people who stand by their convictions. That's worth being applauded in my opinion.

Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes it's the highest high we could ever experience. It's worth the risk.

As long as we don't give up on ourselves, I truly believe we will come out of this better people. And when we are better people, we will attract better partners.

Yes, we hate what we are going through. But think of it this way... If I guaranteed that if you made it through this pain, that you will find the love of your life who is absolutely smitten with you and has all the qualities you are looking for in a mate, would you be willing to get through this heart break?

I know I would in a heartbeat. If my soul mate is out there, I would walk through fire and brimstone for her. And she would do the same for me.

Let's keep moving forward guys. This is but a chapter in our lives. But it's not the last chapter. And with the right attitude, we can write the rest of our story.

[Sparkls]

The other point I wanted to make is about the action aspect of DB. It's very hard to remember that DBing is counterintuitive. I was (somewhat still) a fixer and would reach for my goals through action. If you read any post I put on here, it is mostly about action.

Tim said this yesterday:

I do not give up and if that something I want is important enough I am absolutely tenacious and will move heaven and earth to get it. That is how we got to where we are. We grind thinks out, like water carving out the grand canyon.

Brilliant statement, really. However, what about the Grand Canyon's feelings? Water will erode away the ground it passes through, which is exactly how we got here, and get where it is headed. Be like water, constantly moving, but take on another aspect of water. It will also take the shape of whatever container it needs to. It adapts to its environment, makes necessary changes, and eventually morphs into something potentially wonderful.

At this point in time you are afraid and described it very well. I would disagree with it as being your biggest problem. Instead, it is your biggest barrier. You listed the problems you have. The fear is blocking you from getting a move on them. As I mentioned above and will reiterate here, I felt every bit of that fear. It blocked me moving forward. Fortunately, some great people here kept redirecting me to focus on myself and the changes I needed to make. Like you I was overall happy with who I was. Like you I was able to list things I wanted to change. So I got to work on those in every single aspect of my life. For example, I was a fixer, and I started working on that with every single person I interacted with on a daily basis. Great immediate feedback from my subordinates and peers. The work was not dependent upon my W. I didn't need her to make changes within ME.

So to make Tim happy, keep GALing like a queen, detaching, and working on your 180s!

I don't know if anyone explained why they work so well, and the following is based upon my experiences and observations. GALing gives you positive activities, places and people to practice the changes, and reduces co-dependence. Detaching helps to break co-dependence and teaches that you truly are a separate person from your spouse (You WANT H as opposed to you NEED H and really really helps fixers!). 180s is a great way to improve yourself, whether it is for your spouse or a future one, and also, even though it is unstated, helps to curb the subsequent marriage divorce rate (mostly caused by people that never changed their behaviors from the previous marriage).

I apologize for the long-winded post. Lot of stuff I had to read, which always seems to give me a lot to say.

I just realized I somehow missed this almost completely.
My apprehension is really hard for me to get past. I know that I'll do just fine without H. I've been fine for a month, but when I think about never seeing him again or not having him in my life, panic sets in. It's the idea that he's really gone forever that is scaring me most. The best way I can describe is comparing it to losing my mom. I havne't lived with my mom in a really long time. My life is not dependent on her in any way shape or form. But losing her, the idea that she's really gone forever, is soul crushing.

H isn't talking to me about anything. He had said the classic "I still want to be friends." but now it's just radio silence. Am I really that easy to just drop after 8 years? And he's walked away from the dogs he's raised since they were puppies (and I know he loves these dogs dearly). I have zero idea what's going on in his head. From the outside, he's just done. Not "needing space," not "confused." He's just done.

I know I focus too much on him. It's very hard to focus on myself right now when I can't really actively work towards anything concrete until next week. Thank god it's next week.

More dreams about him overnight despite taking some sleeping meds.
IC shortly. I'll post afterwards.

[NYGal]

Spark, it's so normal to focus on them and what they're doing, etc. Your situation is SO new. Be gentle and kind with yourself. The story is not over. We don't know the ending, so do your best to head towards the ending you want. At least face in that direction if that's all you can do now.

[TimR]

I agree with NYGAL Sparkls, I would also add you may not be able to do anything major to work on you but keep working on the little things that you can. Walking the dogs, visiting friends, talking to your dad. Those are all great things! I bet if you think about it there are other little things you can do too.

It is especially hard when they are on your mind 24/7. I have the same problem. If I am not worried about her, I panic about the boys. I just shift from one panic scenario to another.

[Sparkls]

Back from IC and it wasn't really helpful today. More of "you'll kno when it's time to let go and move on." I guess I'm not there. I'm projecting and trying to rationalize an irrational situation. I'm sitting here looking at a pod person. I want him to get away from OW and think for himself. He said it himself that he's only thinking about the now and doesn't want to think about the future. And it's going to cost him everything.

I just want him to come home. To say hey, I don't want to throw away 8 years together. Let's work on this. I keep hoping he'll find his rock bottom and come back to his senses. But then again, maybe this is who he is. Maybe the "fog" is a myth and I never had a chance. And j want to text him and just say please come home before there isn't a home to come back to anymore.

[TimR]

Some call this limbo, since I am Catholic I call it purgatory. Purgatory is much closer to hell and that is where we are. In purgatory you must answer for you sins before you can ascend.

I have the same feelings Sparkls, what is rock bottom? do or will they come back? why am I not seeing it? were they always this person and I a fool who didn't see it? And will I be like Thornton by the time she wants to come back it will be too late cause that will be the ultimate tragedy.

All I can tell you Sparkly is that we cannot focus on those burning questions because they do us no good. Regardless of what happens we have to deal with the person in the mirror (get the MJ reference). We will be just wasting time in purgatory if we are doing nothing to better ourselves and will spend that much longer in purgatory... Sorry I know you are not religious and I generally do not speak of religion but just thought it fitting.

[broke]

Sparkles,

I just left IC, too, and I'm debating if I ever go back. I'm sorry it didn't help and I'm sorry you are feeling low today. I sincerely believe that you are doing well - it is so early and you handled when he came to get his stuff and the video game debacle with such great DB skills.

I agree that you need to focus less on what he said and he does and more on you. I know that is so much easier said than done, especially this early after the bomb dropped. You are not even a month in and you hurt so much. I get it, so can you try something to take care of you. No improving yourself, or being hard on yourself or critiquing your DB skills, no mind reading. What can you do to relax and be gentle to you? Massage, pedicure, new video game, yoga?

[Sparkls]

I guess I'm just doubting the process. If all the R stories I've come across, I haven't really seen a WH and BW R if there weren't children involved.

I'm just really not seeing a light today. Depression phase maybe? Just seems like I'm a fool for holding out any hope that I'll get my WH back in my life.

[broke]

I think every situation is an individual one…I don't think you can really generalize. I do think that you are having a really bad day today. And, I am so sorry that you are….the bomb only dropped a few weeks ago, so it makes sense that you are having a rough one.

Honestly, Sparks, I could barely function the first two months after my H told me that he wasn't happy and thought he wanted a D. It would take hours to fall asleep then I would wake up at 3 or 4 and not be able to fall back asleep. Then, I would drop off the kids at school and come back home and try to cry myself to sleep. Then, I would get up and pick up the kids from school. I lived in yoga pants, didn't eat and lost 27 pounds. The reason I am telling you this is because you make me look like a wimp! You have DB'ed when he came to get his clothes and when he "stole" the video games. You are out GAL'ing (I didn't do that until 3 months in).

Of course, you are going to have bad days….I say cry your heart out, drink some wine, watch bad reality tv, anything to get to bedtime and NOT contact your WH. Try to sleep, tomorrow is another day to wake up and start DB'ing. Take a heartsick break tonight and get back at it tomorrow.

Truly I think you are doing very well….especially for how soon it is in your situation. You are stronger than you know and give yourself credit for. I can't wait to see where you "match" this week. Keep going, Sparkles, you can do this.

[NYGal]

Cry your heart out, drink some wine, watch bad reality TV... Except for the TV, since I NO LONGER HAVE ONE... Grrrr... That's my life! It's not a bad life, it's just not the life I imagined or the life I had.

Spark, again, be patient. This completely stinks right now. I know, believe me. We must have patience and believe that it gets better. I can attest that, yes, it gets better. Then it crashes down again and it bites. Big time. But then it gets better for a little while... And still I cry every single day on my way from work. 4 months in and I cry every single day. This is no way to live.

So what do we do? We look in the mirror and try to love the person we see. I just watched a YouTube video about marrying ourselves. I'm the person who always gives 110% to any relationship. Why? To be loved. It's time to love ourselves. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting closer. Heck, we don't have any other choice.

I have days when I feel hopeless. On more days, like today, I am overcome with this feeling that this is all some big mistake, that this was NOT supposed to happen. That W and I ARE NOT DONE. She's still in my heart and my soul. I don't know where I am in her life, but I'm not letting go. We belong together. She may not realize that until I've moved on, but she will. People think I'm naive, and I may be. But they don't know my R with W like I do, like we do. I know too many couples who have found their way back together. I intend to do the same. God help us all.