I need to rant and think it might be better to get it off my chest here before I do something dumb. I apologize in advance.

It isn't the lying. I know that comes with the territory. It's the lying about stupid stuff. I would expect lies about OW and things like that, but about spending hours remotely logged and running detailed reports (his words) and such. It's not like I asked him about it. He just throws it out there. He'll just volunteer, "I spent 4 hours today logged in doing blah, blah, blah." Why even bring it up if you're going to lie about it?

I suppose he's trying to make the point that he can stay where he is and still be active in his business. Maybe he's trying to give me the impression that I'm not alone running things here ... that he's fully involved. I griped for a long time that he just walked away and dumped all of this in my lap (which he did) and that I didn't ask for it and I didn't want it. Maybe he's trying to make me believe that it isn't all in my lap. IDK. What I do know is he's checked out of our marriage and he's apparently checked out of his business, too.

He keeps saying he HAS to live there to deal with our suppliers. That's a bunch of BS and he knows I know it. He's there because he wants to be, period. Somewhere in all that fog, he knows I know that, too!

I think the thing that really gets under my skin is that he thinks I (and BIL, to some extent) are stupid. That I don't see what's going on. That he can just lie about anything and I am so gullible and dumb that I won't question it. It just shows complete and total lack of respect for me and sends me the message that he thinks I am a complete fool.

I am trying so hard to find my compassion, my understanding, because I know what he's going through. I know there is a great guy in there somewhere, but right now I am so angry. I don't like be taken for a fool and that's how I feel I'm being treated. I'm feeling so used.

I saw glimpses of old h when he was here last but now I feel like it was all an act to placate me ... have to keep 2T placated in order to continue the fantasy.

I have to stay the course right now, but it appears it is becoming more of biding my time than DBing. I need to be in a certain place financially to D, so I have to keep being the gullible, dumb wife when what I really want to do right now is tell him to get out of my life and never darken my doorway again.

I honestly don't know how I could ever get past all the lying and cheating. I don't know how I could ever believe anything he says. When I think about some of the things I suspected he was lying about the last time I was here, and consider that my lie-radar may have been right, it just turns my stomach. I don't know how I could ever come to trust him again. I know others have reconciled after much worse. I just don't know how they did or if I can.

Sorry for the rant, but I appreciate having a place to do it. It's much better to put all that garbage here than in a text to h. So thank you, everyone, for taking the brunt of my fury.


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013