I am old, very, very old but still have some fire left to try and make my XH to fall for me again. And who knows had some weird interaction with a guy "40"!!! this baby is 10 younger then me.
At the end of the conversation it is not really about the age and it is more about what we do during the time we gain that age.
I had a R before my XH. He was from Poland, me... from Brazil at that time. We fell in love, lived in Singapore for awhile and then we went back to Brasil. After a year, I got pregnant, right when he was leaving to Poland to take care after some business stuff. Cutting the story short, our distant R did not work and one day I said enough.
I actually did DB stuff that time, even without knowing it. Got myself in a better place psychologically, got a good job, had my kid in a good day-care/school, was looking really good.
After all that work, well... then I had time to my emotional side and found my XH. My kid was never the issue for us to be together at that time.
Things happen Red. I just think that it is not time to think much about this whole guy thing now. You are not in the right place emotionally, and to tell the truth, you are not there yet in almost any area.
You are still married to you H. Please, think about anything you do before you do it. It's not hard to lose custody, and you may not know the extend of your H's intentions.
These days it is not hard to prove A or B and you could be facing consequences.
Also, don't lose track of what is important and really makes a difference moving forward. What about the money? Is he helping you the way he should? You mention a $200 resort room, is this being paid by his pay check? If it is, then you are paying for it too since you are still married to him.
Please, do not distract yourself with foolish stuff that will come to play into your life you want or not, the guy thing is just part of our nature, and if you decide to go for at some point when you are healed, in one piece, then it will happen naturally. When you are ready... you do not need to hunt for a guy!
But, what about the house? I was told that even if the house was supposed to be shared because it also belonged to me since we were married. Since it was in his name alone, he could sell it without my permission. I went to the bank and also was told that they do not care about who has rights on it, they just care about the name that it is on.
So, drink that coffee in the morning.
It's hard Red, to juggle with all the emotions, the problems, the kids, friends, GAL, this board, the idiot H, your feelings, and the reality of a separation is very hard.
The good and bad news are that there is no other way. You need to focus in yours and your kids well being. Make sure the Jerk is not doing anything to hurt you financially. He may regret later, but right now he is not seeing it clear.
Know where you stand Red. It's important.
About your confidence, I can just say that it takes time to have it back and strong. Give yourself time. You told us that you hit the 100lbs loss not too long ago. Give yourself credit for little accomplishments, do the Squiggy's homework and in time it will be back.
In regard of the hugs and kisses with you H. We can be walking with a cane and if you do not decide when it is enough, it will continue. I did it many times until one day I saw myself better without it. Every time I did, I end up hurting myself so bad that the day I stood up and said "NO, I do not want this because it is not good for my and I need to respect myself" that's when I felt so much better.
From that time on, it was just a lot easier. You may be like me, it is only when you wake up, that you will see it.
And that's why I say to you: Every time you hug, kiss, have sex, talk to, explain, answer the phone... every single time you need to look at it and ask yourself..."What did I learned from it?"
This question will help you to slowly move into a place where you are more important then anything or anyone else, including your kids. There will be a time that it is about you.
Be careful about sex Red, there are a lot of sexual transmitted sicknesses and even having treatment for most of them, this is not fun stuff. Think about yourself first.
Also, have you schedule an apt with you doctor to get checked? Your H was sleeping with both of you, who knows if the scam bag was sleeping with someone else? See the cycle? Getting yourself checked is also a way to treat that head of yours. It's hard to walk to your doctor and say that you want to be checked because the idiot H cheated. That will help with the disconnecting part.
About thinking what they are doing or not doing, just believe that the heat of the R fades at some point. Yeah, they will make love up in a tall tree at 3am in the morning, but who cares. How clean is that love when they both know what they did?
Eventually every thing becomes routine, every Kama Sutra position becomes normal, then what will be there? Pain? Even the most stupid one, will think about what they did at some point in time.
Your H may never come back to you, but it is 100% certain that he will regret what he is doing one day.
So, as much as you can, try to negotiate with your subconscious and unconscious mind. Instead of thinking what they are doing, think that they are not having the same fun anymore. Before it was amazing, the secrecy of it, the teenager feeling. Now it is all in the open, now she can start her brilliant job of making his life a hell.
Sit, wait, let it blow by itself. Be out of the picture and let him get tired of the scum bag. You may think that it is all sunshine and it can easily becoming a storm that will turn into a tornado soon enough.
Project your thinking in what you want to happen. The universe is at work.
Be Red. Try to cry once in awhile and then let it go. Take this time to rediscover "YOU". Reinvent yourself and be beautiful for you first. After all, the only person that will always be beside you, is ... YOURSELF!!!
