Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

The other point I wanted to make is about the action aspect of DB. It's very hard to remember that DBing is counterintuitive. I was (somewhat still) a fixer and would reach for my goals through action. If you read any post I put on here, it is mostly about action.

Tim said this yesterday:

I do not give up and if that something I want is important enough I am absolutely tenacious and will move heaven and earth to get it. That is how we got to where we are. We grind thinks out, like water carving out the grand canyon.

Brilliant statement, really. However, what about the Grand Canyon's feelings? Water will erode away the ground it passes through, which is exactly how we got here, and get where it is headed. Be like water, constantly moving, but take on another aspect of water. It will also take the shape of whatever container it needs to. It adapts to its environment, makes necessary changes, and eventually morphs into something potentially wonderful.

At this point in time you are afraid and described it very well. I would disagree with it as being your biggest problem. Instead, it is your biggest barrier. You listed the problems you have. The fear is blocking you from getting a move on them. As I mentioned above and will reiterate here, I felt every bit of that fear. It blocked me moving forward. Fortunately, some great people here kept redirecting me to focus on myself and the changes I needed to make. Like you I was overall happy with who I was. Like you I was able to list things I wanted to change. So I got to work on those in every single aspect of my life. For example, I was a fixer, and I started working on that with every single person I interacted with on a daily basis. Great immediate feedback from my subordinates and peers. The work was not dependent upon my W. I didn't need her to make changes within ME.

So to make Tim happy, keep GALing like a queen, detaching, and working on your 180s!

I don't know if anyone explained why they work so well, and the following is based upon my experiences and observations. GALing gives you positive activities, places and people to practice the changes, and reduces co-dependence. Detaching helps to break co-dependence and teaches that you truly are a separate person from your spouse (You WANT H as opposed to you NEED H and really really helps fixers!). 180s is a great way to improve yourself, whether it is for your spouse or a future one, and also, even though it is unstated, helps to curb the subsequent marriage divorce rate (mostly caused by people that never changed their behaviors from the previous marriage).

I apologize for the long-winded post. Lot of stuff I had to read, which always seems to give me a lot to say.

I just realized I somehow missed this almost completely.
My apprehension is really hard for me to get past. I know that I'll do just fine without H. I've been fine for a month, but when I think about never seeing him again or not having him in my life, panic sets in. It's the idea that he's really gone forever that is scaring me most. The best way I can describe is comparing it to losing my mom. I havne't lived with my mom in a really long time. My life is not dependent on her in any way shape or form. But losing her, the idea that she's really gone forever, is soul crushing.

H isn't talking to me about anything. He had said the classic "I still want to be friends." but now it's just radio silence. Am I really that easy to just drop after 8 years? And he's walked away from the dogs he's raised since they were puppies (and I know he loves these dogs dearly). I have zero idea what's going on in his head. From the outside, he's just done. Not "needing space," not "confused." He's just done.

I know I focus too much on him. It's very hard to focus on myself right now when I can't really actively work towards anything concrete until next week. Thank god it's next week.

More dreams about him overnight despite taking some sleeping meds.
IC shortly. I'll post afterwards.