Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Its funny, I've been waiting to slide back into despair, the usual result of an R talk with H. It hasn't happened. I'm going to agree with you all that letting of steam was probably a good thing.

I didn't mention it before, but this struck me as funny thinking about it later. After working on the property, H came in and wanted to look at our fridge (he was going to come over and wait for the repairman the next day until I could leave work). We were in the middle of R talk. He kept trying to focus on the fridge and give me direction on helping him clean it and I kept steering him back to the talk as I helped. After we had cleaned up the water from melted ice, he could have left, but he used THOROUGHLY cleaning the fridge as a way to avoid talking. I mean took out glass and scrubbed brackets! I stopped helping and made myself dinner and ate it (I did say there was food if he wanted it). He cleaned it for 2 hours. He kept walking over to me as I ate and I would R talk with him and then he'd go back to cleaning. It wasn't that bad, just had a little water pooled and some drips I hadn't seen where the condiments went. But he took the entire shelf assembly out and apart. He could have left and avoided my venting and questions, but instead he stayed and cleaned.

He did this the last time we had R talk...scrubbed my (clean) kitchen sink while we talked for an hour. I think I should have R talk in the bathroom next time!

H did call the next day to make sure fridge wasn't getting worse and then texted back and forth about repair appointment. This was the first time he stayed at the house alone since he left...he took advantage of the large tv, comfy couch, and satellite tv (he only has 3 stations at his apartment) and was happy about that. It was a home theater set-up that he created and was right next to the room all of his "stuff" is being stored in. I wonder if he had any feelings about that or even noticed?

He ended up leaving when I was 5 minutes from house and passing me on the road with a friendly wave (he was on the phone with me and told me repair guys were on the way). After the guys left and I had updated him via text, he called and asked a few questions, but then wanted to talk about his day and politics, his trip to his L...I answered in very short replies after trying to say goodbye twice. Finally, mid-story, he said "you probably don't want to talk to me, do you?" Like it just occurred to him what our sitch was. I said, "no, but I'll listen." So he kept telling me what he was telling me and then some. I was able to finally say I had to go. A whole conversation (well mostly him talking) about things we actually both have interest in and agree on. This from the guy who says he doesn't like me and says we're too different.

I ask myself constantly, am I holding on to H out of habit? Am I just scared to let him go because I'll be alone? I've done a lot of deep soul searching and a lot of work on myself and who I am. What my wants, needs, interests are without H. I've even questioned whether or not I really enjoyed our "common" interests or really disliked the things I've pulled back from (and why I pulled back). I'm still testing myself on some things and still have a list of things (growing list!) that I want to try. But I'm realizing that I may not NEED him in my life, but I still feel a strong connection and love for him. I still want him in my life. He says he doesn't like me or need me, but I guess I'll go back to the actions speak louder than words idea. We'll have to wait and see. I no longer feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die without him.

Anyway, big GAL moment I'm excited for...I just signed up to be a co-coach for our special education h.s. soccer team! So I'll be busier this season. I am also moving forward on the idea of getting my masters. Narrowed it down to a few local programs and looking at a few online. Talking to counselors is next. Whew! excited and scared.

Also got real estate valuation for the home. Not what we put into it, but higher than I thought it would be. A lot of work to do, but that's a start.

Moving forward with my life. Still love my confused MLC guy. Still standing. But just not standing still.