In July, my H came to me and gave me the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech". So, the world came crashing down. I spent 3 months desperately trying to beg, plead and pursue to get counseling and save our family and marriage (everything I know now I shouldn't be doing). I suspected A and confronted him about it 3x and about a specific co-worker and he denied it. In October, I finally asked him to move out because the emotional toll it was taking on me and my sons was too much (and he said there was no hope for reconciliation anyway). In December, the PA was confirmed by my sons seeing an "I love you" text from the OW that I confronted him about back in the beginning. That started a month of devastated kids and raging anger from me (I said things that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth, but I also never thought he would cheat either especially after 25 years together). After begging the OW and my H to either end it or tell the OW's husband, I finally reached out to her H and told him. That did not sit well with my H. He filed for D the next week, bought a new home and told our sons he was proceeding with the D. After I told the OW's H, I felt like a burden was lifted and I stopped acting on my anger and became "me" again. I also came across this forum and found the DR book. Although I had always thought that cheating was a deal breaker for me, I realized that I wanted the opportunity to try to save my marriage.
I have been DB'ing for a month now. I have been GAL'ing, striving to meet my 180 goals (especially being civil to H) and have been trying to detach by meeting my boundaries. My greatest accomplishment is not talking about reconciliation with the H in over a month (big deal for me).
As of a month ago, the current situation is the H says there is no hope, that he wants a divorce (that we never had a deep emotional connection he is looking for in a M). I am not sure if the OW is still in the picture or not (at first, she was going to try to save her M with her husband and toddler). However, signs point to the A still going on, but I am not snooping because it won't change my goal of standing by my M while detaching. The H is renovating his new house and using a decorator to design in, should be moving into it in a month.
The hardest part for me currently is walking the line between being civil neighbors and friends. The H has wanted to be friends since he dropped the bomb in July. Of course, being friends is not what I want. But, since I have stopped being so angry with him, the H seems to think that we are now friends. I have no desire to be his friend either we are H/W or we are civil co-parents. I have plenty of friends including the helpful people on this board…..
I think it is probably too late to save the M because H has filed for D, bought a new house and told our sons that the divorce is moving forward. So, I probably need a miracle to save this union. However, I still very much believe in the DB'ing process for ME, because, overall the last month has been way better than the 7 months before it! Yes, I have bad days, but trying to DB to address what I wanted to improve about myself and becoming the best version of me is going to help me in my next R (with or without my H). To whoever is still reading this very long synopsis, thanks….it was helpful to write it.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/09/1609:34 AM. Reason: Link
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
