Where do we go from here Part 2

[Rednail]

Tim you are amazing. I wish my ex step dad was as amazing as you want to be for your step kids. He hated us.

You remind me of my mom. After they divorced and he ran off to another country my mom still loves my ex step siblings.

My bestie(ex step sister) has lived with my mom for the last 2 years. She gives gifts, goes to their graduations, etc.

They talk to my mom and don't even talk to their dad. You really love them.

Just keep trying and letting them know you are there for them no matter what.

[TimR]

Thank you Reds and everyone else for letting me vent and trying to help me through this. I really appreciate it and all of you out there. I am still up for Thornton's BBQ idea, kinda a broken hearts club alumni event.

Anyway I woke up in better spirits today. Texted S13 that I loved him and to have a great day. He is home sick from school today. I will check in on him in a bit. I was thinking of taking some time off and picking him up so someone could watch over him while he is sick. He told me he feels like he is going to throw up. I can't help but think it has to do with the stress he is going through.

Tomorrow I have my counseling appointment. I had to move it last week because of time and funds. Paying the copay for him, paying for the coaching here, getting money around for retainer of L, catching up on the two bills she failed to pay for the last 4+ months, and S13 and my trip to NYC on the 18th makes money a little tight. Plus I am not the greatest financial planner. That needs to be something I work on too.

Any way, maybe IC could give me some ideas to make S less resistant to counseling. I hope everyone is doing well and GALing.

[Thornton]

Glad you are hanging in there.

I feel so bad for that poor kid. His anxiety sounds through the roof. I went through that when I was kid when my sister was killed in an accident. It was awful.

My best advice, keep validating him. Validation does wonders for people in pain. Let him talk and talk and just listen.

I think it's a good idea to try and get some ideas from IC on how you can try to get S to open up to some therapy.

[Squiggy]

Tim, I agree with the others here. You are a great supporter and listener as it is clearly evident on these boards. Your best bet to support S13 is simply to be there for him. He has chosen you as his dad and confidante. Validate and support. Show him that no matter what you won't leave his side, even if this ends in D.

[broke]

Keep it up, Tim! You are amazing dad to S13….love the idea of you hanging out with him while he is sick. Put him on the couch with blankets and binge watch a cool show on nextflix or something. He will remember that forever. I also love your idea of reaching out to S16….maybe a simple text so he at least knows you are thinking of him, but nothing to enrage W (like an invitation or something).

I think Sparkles is right about seeing how things go this weekend and in March with wrestling. Be prepared for filing for custody but carefully weigh your options before you have to use that as a last resort.

Stay strong….you are doing great!

[TimR]

Unfortunately I cannot go and grab him and sit with him because I am stacked with appointments, UGH. But I am going to grab some chicken noodle soup for him and take it to him for lunch. Apparently, S16 stayed home 'sick' today too but S13 said he really isn't sick. So I reached out to him about wanting anything too. I guess he went to school late. I am still dropping off his favorite food so he has it when he gets home.

[1313]

Tim,
at this difficult age they're transitioning from children to adults, S16 even more. No matter how good the relationship, nature is pulling at them to tear themselves away from the nest while their heart feels another way.

You're in a no win situation in that regard. Just know even when they're telling you no, they feel "thank you", and that's really enough. They may or may not reach out to you, but knowing you're there will pay dividends when they move through this period, even if it's years from now.

I fought my Step Dad tooth and nail when he entered my life at 15, even resenting him at times. But I grew to appreciate what he was doing for me by the time I was 18, and a whole heck of a lot by the time I hit my 20's. He was there more than my Mother in a lot of ways.

[broke]

Tim,

Those little things mean so much to those boys, especially now. Keep being you…they are lucky you are in their lives.

[TimR]

Thanks broke and 1313! When I dropped off the food S13 just latched onto me and hugged me for over a minute. I told him I love him and hope he feels better. It could be the flu, its going around again in my area but I still think it is the extreme stress he is under. I invited him to stay over Friday if he is feeling better. Not sure whether I should have him ask his mom or if I should text her. "Terez was wandering if he could stay over Friday night. It is good with me if alright with you?"

I am not sure if its a good idea or not? I do not think we will be wrestling this weekend with him being sick.

[TimR]

So I did my IC today. And of course we talked about S. I caught him up on everything that occurred the last three weeks and what should I do about S. His basic advice was to maintain contact and a regular basis. To be a stable figure for him. NOT to talk about home issues to much (that he needs to view time with me as an oasis from problems). Follow his lead but also if I see him hurting to gently pull it out of him. Also not to appear that I am fishing for info about mom through him. Which I do not do. Finally, that I should not shy away from talking about the custody process with him. According to IC S needs to know the reality of it bc he only understands the fantasy.

About WW IC said I see a very angry WW. She is not happy about where she is and the A is self medicating. He said the problem is as long as the A goes on she will not deal with her own problems and the emotions will continue and the damage will continue to get worse. He reminded me "hurt people tend to hurt people." And since she "lost" me the kids will take the hits. He said the scary thing about all of this she is hurting herself through her own decisions and he doesn't know when or if she will stop and IT COULD GET WORSE. He said he thinks her own pride gets in her way to recovery.

Then he advised me that he is retiring at the end of July.

So what should I take from this. I guess I am doing right by S that I am not pressuring the counseling. I do need to keep it lighter and breezier for S and our drives to and from practice should not just be heavy talking. I need to try and joke with him. He also said me reaching out to tell him I love him, and just texting him is good. However, he has to acclimate to where he is to and deal with his pain and fears. Personally that sounds like a horrible things for a S13.

Well anyway this counseling appointment was far better than the others I have had.