REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#5

[- MB -]

Hi everyone! I should be sleeping, but can't seem to do much of that these days. I went to see a new IC yesterday. I really liked her a lot. She talked to me and actually seemed to have some insight into who I am just by listening to me. That's something my other IC never seemed to have. I am hopeful that this one might actually be able to help me. Maybe she can help me get unstuck! In just the first visit she already asked me a couple of questions that made me question my past and how it affected my current choices in my life. She gave me some homework for this week. Not really sure I'm looking forward to it, but I will get it done regardless.

I haven't been posting much on here lately, but I do think about the people on this forum. I think about the process that we all must go through. I guess I've been making some progress (even if only a little bit) in the area of detaching. I don't drive by every day anymore and I am trying hard to get back to not checking phone records. I don't cry every day anymore. I do still have some incredibly sad and lonely days, but they aren't every day any more. I just feel sad letting go since I know I'm the only one holding on. I can't help but think that when I let go of the rope, there won't be anyone holding it anymore. Then what? It just feels like it will be over. I know that I can't change it, I can only embrace it and move on. But, It really is hard because it's not what I want. It's not what I want now, or ever. I just can't imagine their not being a future with my H, but then again, I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't cry because of the heartbreak. I guess when the time is right, I will be okay with it. I just don't have any other choice right now.

our anniversary is coming up. I wonder what it will be like this year. I expect that he won't reach out and try to contact me. I had been planning on breaking my NC on that day and going over there. One of my dear friends keeps telling me not to go over there on that day though. She said that it will just make him feel worse about himself if he forgot that day. Do any of you have any thoughts on that? Not sure what I would do or say if I went over there, I just really wanted to.

Well, I guess I'm going to try to sleep now. I hope everyone has a great day today!!