I am finally moved and settled...and I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be!
His family is amazing, they always have been. They're not happy about the situation, but they love us both and only want the best for us. His mother has been a true shoulder, and mentor in this. She went through the same thing with his father...and he may be supporting me financially, but the situation is very similar.
When I was about to get off the plane, after having a looooooong day, red-eye flight with a toddler - I get a message about him being alone and happy. He left before I did on a work trip, so he wasn't there to see us off and had been alone a few days. He said that he was living a life that wasn't meant for him, a life that wasn't his and he hopes that D4 and I will understand someday but he thinks that I'm saying it, and we'll hate him later on down the road. I started crying right there on the airplane...wow. I read that...and hated him. Then came the "we were kids making grown up decisions"...excuse after excuse to justify his actions. Like a child does....anything to make this bad thing make sense.
What-the-F-ever bro.
I was upset until today...
Full focus back to my D4 and myself and these people here that are HAPPY to have me and D4 in their life!! People that are happy to talk to me, people that appreciate me, and love D4 and don't hesitate to show it. My SILs fiancé was amazing with D4, and she totally fell in love with him. He was so sweet to her, a daddy kind of sweetness I haven't seen in a long time with the H. The little time that he had with her before we left was spent on his phone, in front of the TV or disciplining her at moments when I just wanted to smack him and tell him that he's nitpicking...doing the same things HE himself hates. I know his mind was in another place but what a disappointment that was.
I think of these things and feel like the rope is dropped, then I see photos everywhere of this man that I fell in love with, and still love..but doesn't exist anymore. He's this cold, shell of a man and I am like a supernova...I really see that as incompatibility now and mainly I think it's because of his job. But that's in the past, and we have one life!
So I'm here, and I have a job lined up for next week part time. Tomorrow I'll be looking at a part time daycare for D4, and I am so happy to be busy. I have been non stop since I got here and what a challenge for me to be FLEXIBLE. Complete 180 for me and I'm very proud of that! Tomorrow will be a low key day, but I plan on taking D4 to a nearby park to workout while she plays and do some things around the house for my MIL. She's picky about some things, but I love being able to help her as much as I can because I am so grateful to her for wanting us to be living here with her. She moved out of her bedroom with a bathroom and huge closet to give D4 and I room. There's 2 beds in here and everything. Just blown away. She is such a mentor to me.
I appologized to her before we flew down here because I just know deep down I hadn't been a good daughter to her, and sister to my SIL and she accepted my apology and explained why. She knew I was in so much emotional pain after D4 was born and we learned about her disability. She said she saw how absent I was from life and she was there when I heard everything from the doctors and fell apart. She saw it all. I always thought she judged me for it...and all this time she understood. She knew. She gave me space, and gave me time and I had to do some growing. I have so much to learn in life, and this one lesson taught me so much going forward...just forgive.
Forgiving myself for falling apart. Forgiving myself for holding onto something so hard I never stopped to consider life could be better. Forgiving myself for not knowing the future. Forgiving myself for not accepting reality sooner. Forgiving the H...because a blank future no longer means a future of waiting for a man who will never come home, because that person died inside a long time ago, and there will be a time when the right one does come along. Someone who will be PRESENT with life and not be continually trying to escape it in any way possible.
Long long post...and it's time to sleep.
I'm still working on my 180s, more new ones to add...and more to come.
