Friends, Family in adversity and strangers united by pain,

I come to you in this post not in anger but at a crossroad. I know that the advice that you post is honest, insightful and valid. I know that the wisdom you bring to this conversation is wisdom learned in pain, self-reflection and personal experience. I know that I must drop the rope and release myself from the insanity of trying to change a decision that was not mine when made. I know that the one I love is following her wayward heart, but that they don't understand "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? -Jeremiah 17:9

I sincerely hope that anyone who had posted or reads my thread for the first time will give me their thoughts on what I am about to say. Sandi2 and Squiggy your advice and constant wisdom has truly been a blessing bestowed upon me. Txhubby, Thornton, Last, Fade, Broke, Cadet and anyone else who has read or commented I cannot thank you enough for taking a few minutes from your life to reflect upon my current sitch.

I have already learned and will continue to learn so many things about myself that I would never have if not given this opportunity for wisdom. This experience has brought me closer to god and taught me things about myself that I know will allow me to be a better person and more importantly a better father for the rest of my days.

I do know that a divorce is in my near future. There is no confusion in what my WW wants nor any delays in her actions to get there. She needs one final piece of information to file and I am now prepared to give her. I also know that D will not define me as a man, father, friend or as a stranger passing on the street. I know that the lord will provide a bright future for me and my children even if it is not the one i original thought was mine to be lived.

I used to look at my wife and see no wrong. Someone who radiated love, warmth, beauty and compassion. I see none of that now. I see guilt, anger, resentment, confusion, immaturity, selfishness, and darkness. Not in a way entirely reflected at me but in a person lost in life. A person consumed by unhappiness in herself and unable to understand why. A person desperately searching for happiness but seeking it in all the wrong places. I see someone who out of shame or guilt or maybe even disgust for me cannot even look me in the eyes to say hello, but I know I am not to blame for this. I feel sorry for this person whom I know that I cannot help, for this person who would rather die of thirst than accept a glass of water from me.

On 3/4 I posted something that I wanted to tell my WW. It has been a constant thought on my mind since. At first they were words that I guess I thought were going to get a reaction from her. Words I thought would change my sitch, words that were mostly just that, Words. I know know that they are the truth. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Someone who puts their own interests and worldly pleasures above the family which god gave to use. Before the children we were blessed with to raise, love, encourage and shepherd to serve gods will. My WW is sick and lost. I made a vow to love her in sickness and in health and I intend to honor that. I will never stop praying that she is forgiven for her actions and that I will see her in heaven one day if it is that we are not to be together again on this earth. I am not saying that I don't want to rebuild what has been broken or that I cannot find forgiveness in my heart should she only truly want to receive it.

I have been a man of inaction. A man who thought he was choosing his battles wisely, but never even fought the war. I want to make my reasons know for why I will not delay, postpone or stand in the way of her if she chooses a D. I will however stand up and do what I know is right for my children.

I know that my WW knows that I am aware of her true feelings for the OM but maybe not with the certainty that I do. Yet neither her feelings of "love" nor he has ever been discussed since the separation for her sexual activities online. Since she left they have only furthered their interactions and it is no longer "just a game". I don't know if she thinks she is trying to protect me from the truth, doesn't want to admit it to herself or if she has other motives for her reasons to not discuss the "elephant in the room".

I also feel that I am not respecting myself as a man to allow her to think that I simply accept the ridiculous reasons for why we're are at this crossroads in our life. The reasons that are valid, my insecurities as a husband which were discussed in the past have not even been mentioned since separation. I do accept my faults and am willing to admit my part for the issues that got us here today, but I do NOT accept my reaction to her actions of blatant disrespect and infidelity as the reason for divorce. I do not accept her "virtually" bringing this OM into our home mere feet from our children.

I am going to be revising the "speech" that I originally plagiarized from Gucci to reflect my soul. I don't know if it is selfish, foolish, immature, or just plain stupid to say what I want to say, and I don't really know what I expect it to change by saying it. I do know that I strongly feel that I will regret not having said it one day by continuing to be a man of inaction by burying my head in the sand and waiting/hoping for this to get better. I think this is more about respect for myself than anything else. I plan on posting a summary by this time tomorrow and I hope to get your thoughts.

My goals for this is not to place blame or shame but are to 1) assert myself 2) respect myself 3) Speak up for myself 4) let her know that I accept this D because I am not willing to live in an open M 5) "speak now or forever hold your peace" and I ain't going to carry this for the rest of my life. 6) lay a foundation for my future actions should D occur. Unfortunately; I don't think this is possible without creating some feelings of shame or guilt which ultimately will probably be expressed as anger towards me.

I would love thoughts or guidance based on this post from you all to read as I draft this "declaration of my feelings" tomorrow. Followed by any recommendations to minimize negativity once i post it tomorrow night or Thursday AM. 2x4's are also welcome (stole that from Squiggy) but I really fell compelled to do this. I pray to god for him not to allow me to stand in the way of his plans for me and I value your input on if/how to deliver this message. I know that I received input prior not to do this, but i wanted to elaborate further on why I want to do this.

I view this almost as a eulogy for my M and something I want to walk away from no longer feeling the need to explain myself.

Aside from your feedback my Questions for your are:

1) is inaction the best course? To simply watch her walk away leave under this cloud of lies and deceit about her feelings for OM?

2) Is it best to simply drop the rope and let them find out in their own time that there is no one on the other end should they decide to check?

3) Would you not respect someone for saying with conviction that they won't stand in the way of your free will but that they don't accept it to be treated this way?

4) How will a WW react when confronted not with anger but with an "open door" and disappointment for their choices?

5) What questions should I be asking myself?


God bless you all,

-Cubebot

Do not go gentle into that good night

By: Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.