Hi tfish, sorry this is happening to you. I was struggling with questions this weekend too and I didn't know what to say either. MLCers put us in such bad positions, lie for them, pretend things are okay lying to kids, or tell them the truth and see them hurt. It's sad they can't see what they are doing to everyone else. I don't know if I'm saying the right things to my kids, sometimes it's a struggle to keep it together when they ask or tell me something, but I make sure they know I am always there for them and love them. Sometimes I feel i can't do much else, it's like trying to explain crazy to a child.
He probably truly does not remember saying he was going to come. The memory of a MLCer can be like a sieve. And once they come out of it, they won't remember half of the awful things they have said.
Ain't that the crazy truth... he told S6 that he would be over this afternoon and then did not show. S6 called him and he said he was about to go fly...then why the hell promise. All my kiddos are really starting to show signs of being affected by this. S11 is sad and angry because dad never shows. S8 is pitching fits in class even crying for over an hour. S6 Keeps asking what day it is because dad said he was coming. I tell them daddy is at school and has a lot of homework. I play with them and try to redirect them to other things. Right now we are reading the sideways story books and that seems to help. As for me gal...I fail. I work..pickup kids..homework..dinner.. and more work..then sleep.
Tfish - you aren't failing at GAL; this looks very different with young children in tow. Really, as the primary care giver to young kids, you still have to meet many of their needs to help then along. And, given all that is happening, you have to be present for them. However, I am sure you are burning out. Can your sister come and watch a movie with the kids so you can get out for a bit? Go do something nice for you?
As for the questions your kids are asking about their dad, you may want to come up with some sort of strategy here. You're walking a tough line because you want to protect your kids from what is happening but you may not want to act like everything he is doing is perfectly fine?
So when my h checked out and went MIA in replay, I started as you did: making excuses. But replay can go on for some time and the excuses may wear thin? I can tell you some of the things that worked for me/us and maybe some of them can help you if you want to try different things.
I co-slept with my kids for quite some time when my h started acting off and the kids started to react. This reduced their anxiety. I showed lots of affection: hugs for no reason, hair touslling, etc. I listened a lot and I answered my older son's questions honestly. Both my kids knew their dad was off and I started to say "your dad is going through a funk. It happens." And I shrugged it off. They followed my lead.
If your h is communicating through you as to when he will come, you may want to consider saying nothing to the kids so as not to set their expectations? Maybe you already do this? If he communicates with the kids and then doesn't post, this is where it just is so tough. This is where I started to say "he sure is in a funk." "People can be off. It happens." Then I would get them busy.
Remember- you weild more parental power than you know! One stable parent can do it. I am thinking of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I let them sleep with me on the weekends . During the week I am taking calls at night. I did however bunk S8 and S 6 with S11. They are in a big room and all 3 beds fit comfortably. It seems to really help them to. They tend to sleep better and not as much waking up at night. My sister will be taking them all next week as it is spring break and I need to work. I will go after work spend the afternoon then come home. I will try to sneak in a movie. H has been telling them directly..I know how forgetful he gets so I try not to mention anything. I kinda believe my H has a mix of ptsd/ with a mlc. My oldest 2 know dad is having those issues. They are military brats and have seen this with other friend's parents. I have reached out to a few centers and will be starting counseling for them soon. He lost his dog on Friday and I believe it triggered him back into a state of replay if that makes sense. He found her but the anxiety he felt must have been debilitating. Since then he has disappeared. Good news my S was accepted into the university he wanted and considering this sh&t storm I think it is amazing and wonderful! So proud of him. I just feel like there is so much going on and no chance to catch my breath
When my H got flaky with my son, like Hawho, I told him daddy is going through something right now that makes him a little sad and forgetful. I explained that he needs some time to himself, but told him, over and over, that it had nothing to do with him, that he did nothing wrong. That is the big thing for me, I hate for children to think it is because of them. I also gave him extra attention and spent all my time with him until I noticed him get more stable and comfortable with the situation.
I find honesty as the best approach, children are way smarter than they get credit for. Acting as if everything is normal could confuse them. Validate their feelings.
I think it's great they are sleeping together, it should be a comfort for them. Great news about your son too! I know it's hard, but don't forget about taking care of yourself in between.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Great news on your son's acceptance to his top choice! What a relief for you to have that all done. And yes, considering all that's happening, it goes to show how resilient people can be.
Awesome idea having all the kids sleep together on the weekdays then with you on the weekends.
And, so glad to hear your sister can help you during the break.
That's all good stuff!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
