WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[PigPen]

Hear this from someone else who has addiction as a component in the downfall of his M Trumpet - it's not 100% your fault. I mean that. I've had a lot of people tell me the same thing. Sure it's a contributing factor, but there are a lot of contributing factors in an M. Your wife played her role, you played yours.

I will venture to say that your addiction was also a reaction to your M as much as a challenge in it. I know mine was. We find ways to cope, cover up, numb from, and dissociate from what's hurting us. Or from the ways we need to express ourselves and can't. In your case the branch was porn. Had it not been porn, the root would have chosen another way of you acting out. I'm not saying we weren't without fault, but addiction is multifaceted.

The one thing that is true about it is what you do with it moving forward. Does it come back now that you're in hell? I don't think so. You use the recovery from your addiction as the stepping stone to healing your life. Porn was the manifestation, now you're working on the causes. And you're doing so openly and bravely. I still argue that porn is the secret addiction in the world. We have numbers for everything else because people crash cars, end up OD'ing, or otherwise destroy their health and lives, but porn can be kept a secret forever. All the while it silently decimates families, and people's lives.

So celebrate what you can my friend. You're clean. You're working a program. You're facing your demon like a boss. No matter what happens in your M, your life is going to be amazing. I speak from experience. I wouldn't take my W back if it meant living in a dissociated manner again. I couldn't do it. Neither could you.

Now you're up leveling. You went from JV to Varsity. You can never go back. The game would be too slow and boring. You're permanently on Varsity now. Next will be NCAA, then the Pro's. Every up level brings new responsibilities, new abilities, things you fall in love with, and a chitload of stuff you simply can't tolerate any more. You just won't be around it, it will repulse you. You'll be shocked you ever allowed situations in your life to exist that you did. And you'll know that you did by numbing out to do so.

Welcome to the rest of your life Trumpet. This chapter still has some land mines in it, but they won't last forever. And once you're through them, the view...oh the view, it will take your breath away. Rd asked me once, "Now that you're a man only a fool would leave, what does that make your WAW?" I ask you the same.

Keep striving Trumpet, keep being bold, and brave, and honest. Life's amazing.

Sober hugs to you,

PP