Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[broke]

Oh, I am so sorry Sparks, that is truly awful. The one constant I have always had in my life is my family. I can't imagine how much it hurts to have them turn on you. Your H was right - your mom knew that you loved her and you only did what was best for her. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Take it from me, moms know, we always do.

Do you have anybody besides your mutual friends you can reach out to? Co-workers, old friends, etc? Have you tried a divorce care group?

I'm so glad you get your match soon. You have such a bright future ahead of you and we already know how strong you are. You are doing great - I just wish you had more support nearby to help when needed.

[Sparkls]

I have my dad via phone. He's really stepped up in the dad department during this. He's normally very emotionally withdrawn and avoids conflict like the plague. I have a solid group of friends here but they've become very "just move on already." I did text one (who's going to be a lawyer in a few months) just to see if he had any legal input. His advice was to text him and just see if we can come to an agreement.

I can say that when something like this came up during my mom situation, I would not have let it go. And so maybe just walking away is the 180 here.I just know that he's always valued my strength, and is walking away really demonstrating "strength" or is it being a push over?

[TimR]

That is such a horrible story Sparkls. You have such a painful history and now all this, I feel really bad for you. We will all be here for you. If you want to know which decision shows more strength ask yourself which is easier for you, to call him out on it or to leave it alone. For people like us Sparkles the most difficult decision is always inaction because we are action oriented people. Maybe that is what our WS dislike about us because we cannot just sit back and not do anything. Just think long and hard before you decide to say anything. We can always speak but we can never take back what we say.

BTW I am so glad to hear your dad is stepping up and being there for you. If nothing else maybe this will strengthen your relationship with your father.

[Sparkls]

Yeah my dad and I have always been super close (my mom was not a very good mother). But when he started dating his current significant other, he put her desires above me and I was not okay with that. I'm messy, she's a neat freak. We all got a house together right before I went to college. When I came home for christmas break (which is a month), it was rough.
I was told I wasn't allowed to live there anymore. I haven't been in my dad's house since.

With regards to H. I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure the man I love is in there anymore or if he ever was.

From The Accidental Tourist: it isn't how much you love someone but who you are when you're with them.
He's chosen to be with someone who makes him, quite frankly, a bad person.

I think it was Thornton who said the opposite of love was indifference. He didn't care how this would affect me. Kind of the definition of indifference.

[TimR]

Sparkls, I am sorry about your dad's choices, you must have felt abandoned by him. I had a similar experience. After my dad's D he found someone I got along well with. Then they broke up and he started with the current one, I refer to her as his 'pet elephant.' She never liked me and I never liked her. My dad who coached me all the way up through came and helped me coach for a year and then due to her constant b!tching stopped. We do not really talk now despite living about 2 miles away from each other.

I don't think that he did not care that he did that to you. It was too deliberate to say he did not think about it. More that he was trying to get at you IMO.

But I can also sympathize about giving up. I feel that way a lot recently. People have also talked about setting me up on dates and I have thought about it with interest. However, I just don't think I am ready for that yet. I get angry and say I am throwing in the towel and then the next day or hour or minute, I am utterly in love with her again and who kiss her feet clean if she asked. So is my rollercoaster.

[Sparkls]

Dad has gotten better lately, since I've been in med school. Visits more. His spouse is also more tolerable. Her last husband cheated on her and left her and her kids, so she's projecting onto me. Dad says she's been crying for me (kinda weird but she's a crier)

My roller coaster is similar, I've just had a really rough week. Like, almost as bad as the week right after d-day. Friends are all busy, GAL has kind of been a fail. And with today, I just can't seem to find any good feelings left today. Depression phase of grief I suppose. I've cried more today than I have since the week right after d-day. I'm not a huge crier but it's just been non-stop today. Between the video game thing, having to get tested for STDs (and even that I have mixed feelings about! Like, in my sick, sick mind I hope I have like the chlamydia so I can be like "Hey. You gave me the clap."), that appointment taking so long I couldn't walk my dogs before class and this just constant buildup of anger, I'm just done. I want to cry and slap him and break the things of his that are still here and yet i Know that if he turned up on the porch with his bags and asked me to let him in, I would.

[Sparkls]

I just realized our WS left on the same day.
Oh! And I was going to say on a post a long time ago, I'm not in philly or pit or anything like that. More rural than that.
Smelled like chocolate outside today, so there's that at least.

[TimR]

Me too. Really what is wrong with us... seriously. You know if we were the friend whose shoulder we leaned on we would be saying, "you need to move one." And yet here we are doing the exact opposite of what we would advise. Is there something mentally wrong with us?

[Sparkls]

I am most certainly not the right person to ask right now.
I suppose that no one really knows our relationships like we do. I've lived my life with this man for 8 years. I've seen his best days and now even more of his worst days. My friends don't really get a say in the matter.

[broke]

Our friends and family just can't stand to see us hurt so much. It is like Tim seeing S13 hurting or me seeing my boys hurting. We would do anything to take the pain away from the people we love. I am so glad you have your dad, Sparkles!

I am sorry that both of you are hurting today. I didn't have the greatest day ever, but I got lucky to find a friend to go talk a walk and have dinner with at the last minute. I met her at divorce care and she is 4 years ahead of us in this process. Her H cheated, married the OW and is living out of state. But, she is happy! So, it is good to talk to someone on the other side who has lived it and is content being alone, dating and not about to settle. That's how I know we will get there - we are caring, loving people that are willing to stand for our marriages and go through the pain to come out the other side a better version of ourselves. It just takes a lot to get through that tunnel.