Feeling lost

[srt]

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I know I have to do this for me because there are no guarantees on what the outcome will be.
The hardest part I am finding is that there are children involved, and the complications this currently brings, and may do so in the future.
I think I'd be doing much better if there were no kids, I just keep thinking about how unfair it is for them - probably a negative cycle of thinking...
It's the detaching bit and validating I'm finding hardest to do.
I understand the point of detaching, but it's obviously tougher to do with kids, as I think the basic point is I'm not meant to care what my W chooses and not to be bothered by what she does, but am I meant to be "distant" or "cold" when talking with her? Or have I misinterpreted it?
The validating too seems tough as I'm not a natural at it!! Also our interaction is very much about actions/doing and doesn't really involve feelings that much.

Looking for tips on this and also the best approach to take in counselling - brutally honest? Validating? tough love? detached (not bothered about outcome)?