Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

I guess to clarify that he did it knowing it would cut me off. And to arrange compensation since we bought the games with communal funds, he doesn't have the right to screw me over.

I just feel like by not doing anything, I'm saying f this behavior is ok and he'll continue to find ways to screw with me.

I didn't contact him. I know I'm being very reactionary because I can't see a path to the end goal of trying to save this R and build a better one in the future.

[Thornton]

If you know this, then he's baiting you.

You have two choices:

1. Fight him over the games and let him justify to himself and all his friends why he left you.

2. Let it go, no reaction. And have him feel like a d-bag and maybe regret what he did.

I get it, you feel hurt and betrayed and you want him to feel some pain. If you REALLY want him to hurt, don't react. Because his shame and guilt over how he handled himself will eat him alive.

Remember, its MUCH easier for him to walk away from you when you are angry and spitting venom.

It MUCH harder for him to walk away from someone carrying themself with class and dignity.

It's your call, Sparks. I just don't want to see you hurting a week from now because you lobbed a grenade into your sitch.

Hold off for now. Let your emotions calm down.

If you still feel this way after a few days, then go after him and get your games and money.

[Sparkls]

My Padres opinion was to have a civil discussion about division of communal property.
I'm going to double check when I get home that he has really shut me out of the games.
I just don't know. I know right now, there's only one reason for him to have done it: to remove my access and give it to someone else. And I'm really not okay with that, because they were bought with communal funds.

[Squiggy]

Sooooo....The Division just dropped today. That could take your attention on the Xbox

I was about to say something about how FB is a silly thing that somehow magically determines how we feel and interact with each other while also establishing our social status, but then I had to remember that I'm 11 years older...

Sparks, got caught up on part of what's up in your sitch. You are definitely angry and hurt. Good that. You should be. On the flip side, you are in med school where you are being taught to make decisions based upon a logical process untainted by the emotional side of the problem placed in front of you. Logically speaking, what will be the likely outcome if you confront from an emotionally weakened state of mind? Take a pause on your need for action and to fix the situation and breathe. Sometimes the best action is inaction. This would be one of those times.

Do you have another bank account where all further income is being deposited into there?

[Sparkls]

The division is why I was getting on, to install it. And I couldn't.
Tried Destiny and couldn't.

Our bank account situation is this: I have my own account that all my med school loan money goes in. We have a joint savings and checking account that has money Mostly from his job and a little from like my tax refund. I largely don't use this account t and pay bills/food out of my account and he would pay bills out of the joint:

[Squiggy]

The other point I wanted to make is about the action aspect of DB. It's very hard to remember that DBing is counterintuitive. I was (somewhat still) a fixer and would reach for my goals through action. If you read any post I put on here, it is mostly about action.

Tim said this yesterday:

I do not give up and if that something I want is important enough I am absolutely tenacious and will move heaven and earth to get it. That is how we got to where we are. We grind thinks out, like water carving out the grand canyon.

Brilliant statement, really. However, what about the Grand Canyon's feelings? Water will erode away the ground it passes through, which is exactly how we got here, and get where it is headed. Be like water, constantly moving, but take on another aspect of water. It will also take the shape of whatever container it needs to. It adapts to its environment, makes necessary changes, and eventually morphs into something potentially wonderful.

At this point in time you are afraid and described it very well. I would disagree with it as being your biggest problem. Instead, it is your biggest barrier. You listed the problems you have. The fear is blocking you from getting a move on them. As I mentioned above and will reiterate here, I felt every bit of that fear. It blocked me moving forward. Fortunately, some great people here kept redirecting me to focus on myself and the changes I needed to make. Like you I was overall happy with who I was. Like you I was able to list things I wanted to change. So I got to work on those in every single aspect of my life. For example, I was a fixer, and I started working on that with every single person I interacted with on a daily basis. Great immediate feedback from my subordinates and peers. The work was not dependent upon my W. I didn't need her to make changes within ME.

So to make Tim happy, keep GALing like a queen, detaching, and working on your 180s!

I don't know if anyone explained why they work so well, and the following is based upon my experiences and observations. GALing gives you positive activities, places and people to practice the changes, and reduces co-dependence. Detaching helps to break co-dependence and teaches that you truly are a separate person from your spouse (You WANT H as opposed to you NEED H and really really helps fixers!). 180s is a great way to improve yourself, whether it is for your spouse or a future one, and also, even though it is unstated, helps to curb the subsequent marriage divorce rate (mostly caused by people that never changed their behaviors from the previous marriage).

I apologize for the long-winded post. Lot of stuff I had to read, which always seems to give me a lot to say.

[Squiggy]

The division is why I was getting on, to install it. And I couldn't.
Tried Destiny and couldn't.

Our bank account situation is this: I have my own account that all my med school loan money goes in. We have a joint savings and checking account that has money Mostly from his job and a little from like my tax refund. I largely don't use this account t and pay bills/food out of my account and he would pay bills out of the joint:

Awww..shame on that then. Beta was fun. Amazon Prime will have delivered by the time I get home tonight.

Get some legal advice on what to do about the money in the savings account then. Many mixed opinions about the best option, but one that is most common, which I agree with, is to have any further income go into your account without his access to it.

[Sparkls]

Checked when I got home and he definitely locked me out and changed the password so I can't undo it. Plus you can only redesignate an Xbox twice a year, and I believe we already did it once so whatever he did is likely perminant.

[Sparkls]

A little more back story on my last year:

When my mom's cancer recurred back in like Dec of 15, there was a surgery that likely could've saved her life. But it was a big surgery, would've involved taking half of her tongue. Mom and GMa were convinced homeopathic medicine would cure her cancer, so she did nothing. Over the next few months, I was able to change her mind but it was too late, cancer was too big and there were no options left.
Mom continued homeopathic stuff (marijuana oil, etc).
I went to visit her a few times, finally taking 3 weeks to see her in June and help her transition to hospice. When I got there, her internet got turned off, her power was about to. No one had been paying her bills. So I took control of her finances. My family had been mooching off her heavily and I nipped that in the bud so I could actually pay to keep her power on. I also brought her jewlery back to PA with me as my family is incredibly untrustworthy (one uncle has stolen from us heavily before and he was constantly visiting her). The net result of this is that everyone turned against me. Spent every day telling my mom I was stealing all her money and all her things (depsite the fact that I'm her only heir anyway). I was harrased and beaten up constantly from the day I left until well after she died. It was horrible. Truly terrible. I tried to stand up for myself but was just sh*t on time and time again. It really beat me down and I still anticipate horrible texts everytime my phone rings (PTSD much?) I eventually had to just lock the doors on the house and ignore my entire family (my GMa was the worst offender despite being "on my side" while I was out there) H was there telling me not to listen to what they said, that my mom knew I loved her and wouldn't steal from her despite everyone whispering in her ear every day.

And now, the whole thing is repeating itself with H.
This new group of people have spent the last 9 months telling him how unhappy he is with me. How much better off he'll be without me. How much better OW is for him. (It's no coincidence that OW was so unhappy in her 7 year relationship and then suddenly he's miserable in ours.)

And I am sh*t on again. I've lost that entire side of my family and now H too. I always said he was the family I *chose* And I know that he's the one screwed up and not right in the head but I'm the one suffering all the consequences. I'm surviving each day but I just can't seem to get a foot hold in anything.I must have really p*ssed someone off in a previous life to ever deserve this.

[Sparkls]

I wish I was religious so I could believe there is some greater purpose behind this. That the universe always makes it right.
But I just don't believe that. And right now, I"m having a really hard time seeing better days.