Feeling lost

[Accuray]

Most of the feelings you are going through are driven by feeling "out of control" -- a marriage relationship is a place of stability -- we learn to count on it "for better or for worse". We feel like we can be ourselves and this person will have our back.

When one person unilaterally decides that they're done it comes as an extreme shock to the other person, because it undercuts so many assumptions about our lives, who we are, what we believe in, what we can trust, etc.

In addition, people are used to solving problems in their lives -- apply enough time and effort and the problem will be solved. This is a "problem" that doesn't work that way -- there is simply no way to will the other person to do what you want.

These two factors are a perfect emotional storm -- my world got turned upside down completely without warning, and nothing that I can do is going to fix it.

That's an extremely bitter pill to swallow, and that "out of control" feeling is awful. For some people it can feel unsurvivable, and leads to catastrophic thinking -- "I will never be happy again", "I will never find anyone as great as my spouse", "My life will be awful and people will judge me for being divorced" etc.

Therefore, subconsciously, we see regaining our spouse as the best way to regain our control. If you can see that for what it is, it has very little to do with how good or bad a person your spouse is, or how much you think you love them, it's really almost 100% about you trying to get the training wheels back on your bike.

In this climate, it can be very helpful to pursue things that help you to feel in control -- create and stick to a more rigid schedule, work out, diet to lose weight, pursue the same activity every day, fix your house, improve your finances. Teach your brain that your sense of being in control comes from YOU and not from the other person.

Divorce is not a great outcome. It takes two people to have a vibrant and healthy marriage but only one person to have a divorce -- sometimes there is simply nothing you can do to prevent it.

I promise you, however, that divorce is 100% survivable, and you can be very happy and thrive in it's wake -- almost everyone does eventually, and you come out a better person for what you've learned if you take the time to focus on you and address your baggage.

The success rate for second marriages is about 40% compared to 60% for first marriages (in the U.S.) There are lots of theories as to why second marriages are less likely to succeed. Here's mine: The first time you get divorced it is terrifying and you seriously worry about your survival. Therefore you're extra motivated to do whatever it takes to avoid it. Having been through it once, however, you learn that it *is* survivable, and what life after divorce looks like. I believe that this simple learning, that you will survive and be happy, makes people more willing to step out of second marriages and less willing to fight for them.

No matter what happens you will be fine. The opportunity life has handed you is the motivation to improve yourself. That motivation is hard to come by in the normal course of affairs, make the best of it!