Where do we go from here Part 2

[broke]

Agree with Thornton ^^^ - you can do this. You care too much - you have a good heart and you need to keep going…for you and S13

I read a quote today…."On particularly tough days, when I am sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

The journey may not be easy or pretty, but you can do this, Tim.

[Sl1322]

Keep at it Tim. You got it in you.

[daybyday]

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom. All the advice before is awesome. Just want you to know that you have my support.

[TimR]

Well I got some sleep and am reaching out to the school to get some help for S13. I wish I could do something for S16 as well but I cannot think for the life of me what it would be that would not get back to WW. Like I said S13 told me WW is even worse to him. That poor kid is 16 and at a very pivotal age, with problems, especially emotional, he is at higher risk for dropping out (his grades have always been bad), teen pregnancy, drugs and suicide. I would think WW would recognize this but unfortunately she does not care about anything but herself at this point, who knows if she ever will again. However, I cannot think of anything I can do for S16 and be behind the scenes that she will not recognize as me. (I just wrote that sentence and it sounds as though I am trying to manipulate, if it appears to anyone else the same, please call me out on it).

S16 has always been mom's protector. I admire the kid for that, but it should not have to be at the expense of his own well being. Yet if I follow through with the school for him, it will get back to WW. If she finds out I am positive she will withhold S13 from me, doing even more damage to him.

I also thought about child services but they would speak with him and he would deny anything. Of course she would know this came from me and well see above.

This week I have a meeting with counselor, so maybe he could have some suggestions that I have not thought of. Needless to say I feel like I am in a hole struggling to get out.

Any ideas?

[Thornton]

Tim,

That stuff is so heavy. I'm sorry you are having to deal with it.

I wish I had some advice for you but everything I come up with has pros and cons and could go either way.

I would recommend starting with S13 and see if you can get him in front of a school counselor. Then maybe call the counselor and ask them what they recommend regarding S16. Explain how this could all blow up if you're not careful and make things worse. Maybe they can provide some insight, I'm sure they have seen this before considering half of marriages end in D.

Hang in there, my friend. You will get through this, it's just going to be bumpy for a while.

I'll try and check back in when I get home tonight, still training the new person at work so I will only be able to get on the board sporadically.

[broke]

Tim,

That is a very difficult situation to be in. Do you happen to know a teacher or coach at the high school? Maybe they can do the same for S16…..if counseling is recommended by one of them, maybe he will be required to have at least one session. I wish I had better advice for you. I will keep trying to think of something that you can do anonymously that may help.

Thornton's idea of asking S13's counselor may work, too. He/She could call the other school and recommend it just because they are siblings and S13 may mention something in counseling that "triggers" that call. Usually, the counselors in the same school districts know each other from teacher training or recommending kids going into the next school.

Keep us posted - I hope S13 gets the counseling very quickly. Will be thinking of you and your sons.

[1313]

Tim,
sorry I've not checked in for a while - sounds like things are extra weird for both of us.

I'm with broke's thoughts on this. I would think that if S13 gets counseling, then I'm not sure why the WW would think that them reaching out to his brother would have anything to do with you. Especially if you talk with them about it ahead of time. The excuse could be S13 said something that caused them to want to talk with S16, just to check in with him at the very least. They are siblings - so what is causing issues for one could certainly be of concern for the other.

Good luck and do check in once you learn something.

[TimR]

When it rains it pours!! I found out from a friend today that S13 has been breaking down and crying at random times in school. I had to pull over and compose myself hearing that. It just killed me inside and I cried a bit too. Why hasn't any teacher referred him for counseling already! He needs so much help a child should not be made to carry this burden on his own. Who knows maybe someone contacted WW and she just brushed it off. IDK but anyone who knows him, can see the poor boy is drowning.

[TimR]

So not too sure what to do... Talked to S and he refuses to do counselling. I do not want to upset him anymore than he is now and I do not want to him to think there is something wrong with him. So I began talking to him about talking with someone. I explained to everyone needs to talk to someone sometimes. He told me he has me and I am the only one he wants to talk to. So I tried a different tact and told him it does not mean that he is weak. That guys like us can break a toe or a finger and just keep going. We can get knocks to the head, sprained arms or legs bruised ribs and just keep competing. But for guys like us, when our hearts hurt we need to get it out and talk to someone. Just like if we break our arm we go to a doctor, if our heart is hurting us we also need to go to a doctor. He kept saying he does not want to talk to anyone else except me and I am good enough to talk or maybe a close friend. I told him "buddy I don't have all the answers, that's why I pay a lot of money to go to talk to people." And he just kept refusing. Please don't make me talk to them. I told him it might make him feel better and still nope. I asked if he would do it for me, and he replied I has me to talk to. I even warned that his teachers may notice how he is hurting and refer him without me saying anything. He kept saying he wont talk to them. I told him I would not say anything to the school if you do not want me too, because you need to trust me. And I left it at that but I really need to talk to him somemore.

[Sparkls]

As someone who was forced at that age to do counseling that I didn't want to do, if you force it, it'll be a negative memory that could hurt more than help.
I'm not saying give up, but you have to give him some time to warm up to the idea. Keep just subtly bringing it up. If you talk to other S and he agrees to do counseling, that may help.

But if you force the subject, it'll backfire.
The best thing you can do is just keep talking to him. And keep telling him you love him and that you'll both get through this. And as hard as it is, try to remind him that his mom is still his mom and she loves him even if she's no good at showing it right now. Explain that she's hurting and doesn't know how to handle it, so she's lashing out.