Hello! While I am no stranger to this board it has been sometime since I have been around. W wanted to leave a few years ago because she was raising the kids on her own. After reading DB and doing 180's I can say that the raising of our children is now a 50 - 50 proposition.
The other issue we have was how we would talk about money. This would immediately raise our hackles and we would both be on the defensive. I realized that I was not responsible with money and took a financial literacy course which has helped me immensely. This has helped us communicate, but I would be the first to admit it can sometime cause problems.
When my S14 was diagnosed with Autism my W had a hard time accepting this and was one of the excuses she would use to drink. W beliefs that she is an alcoholic and after going through a few counselors for addiction has found someone that seems to be helping.
In addition to her counselor she also has a number of friends she confides in with her drinking. I have snooped and see no EA or affair or contact with the opposite sex. I realized that I had no experience with this so I joined Al-Anon in an effort to try an understand what she is going through. She has now started to open up about how she is feeling and how she is trying to kick this habit.
On Sunday she did drink and was texting some of her friends. I know that I get nosey when she does this so the next day I was asking her about who she was talking to. W told me she was tired of my accusatory tone and that one of the triggers for her drinking has to do with our marriage. She told me she was unhappy for awhile and is now thinking about leaving while she was at work.
On her way home she had hurt her foot and had to be off her feet for the duration of the night. I could she was in pain so I handled picking up the kids from their sports so she could relax. We also talked about going on vacation for the summer.
This morning she was still in pain so I did as much as I could so she could relax before work. The conversation was ok. My peers in Al Anon have suggested that her behavior is typical when someone is in the early stages of recovery.
At this point I know that I can only control myself and her addiction is her own thing. I will giver her space today (we normally text throughout the day) and see how it goes when she gets home.
I guess I am seeking some assistance in how I can work on improving things with an alcoholic. While I have read countless articles on how difficult recovery is and the affect it has on the spouse there is not much out there on how to improve your marriage. Any help would be appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your story is very similiar to mine. My W completed rehab for alcoholism but never worked a program when she got out.
She now claims she no longer has an issue. But because I didn't endorse her drinking a beer here and there, she found ways to sabotage our R.
There really is no advice. My therapist is also an addictions counselor. He said not many people can have a successful relationship with an alcoholic not in recovery.
Even when they are in recovery, they still think and act like alcoholics. It is a long road.
Keep going to al-anon. Read all you can about codependency and see a therapist if you can, specifically one who specializes in addictions.
If your W is drinking, she is sick. Realize there is NOTHING you can do about it. Work on getting yourself healthy.
Posting from phone so brief, felt compelled tosay: Not your fault ever that she drinks. Alcoholics drink for every reason: sad, happy, stressed, disappointed, celebrating, etc. etc. etc.
She probably wants to be alone so she can drink without interference. Alcohol is her 'OP'.
Great that you are going to Al-Anon!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
