AtlantaDave, I second what SuperDave is saying. Stick around, even if things are going well. Maybe especially then - we can all use input from someone more upbeat than ourselves. OTOH, we'll also be intensely jealous of you. Don't mind us, we're used to living in a desert.
Shock and awe, huh? I think about the only thing that would make much difference would be to actually break up the family. Trouble with that is, it's likely to be a one-way ticket. Definitely a last-resort technique.
I do get what you're saying, though. I've often thought that if the main problem is that W needs very little to fill up her love-tank, and she can get that just by sitting next to me watching TV, then she'll go on blissfully thinking everything's fine as long as I keep doing that. Maybe creating some distance would get things moving. Maybe not. Hmmm... gotta think on that one...
We HDs have large love tanks. The filler cap is off and we're ready and waiting for some juice. When a little comes in we start up and run like a dream but wait, there's a hole in the tank and it's all drained out again. Our LDs have tiny empty love tanks with a locking filler cap. It's one of those locks that use a different key to the ignition and we've only got the ignition key. Trouble is, the ignition key can't get the LD motor running when the tank's dry.
Nobody here (right now) will post a success story because this is the last place you would hang out if your marriage was fulfilling. I'm experiencing some hope right now and my instinct is to leave this board.
Though I complain a heck of a lot and know that my m is certainly not perfect. I do consider my m a success story. I am happier with my m now than I was 2 years ago. Do I still have issues with the frequency of sex in my m? sure, but don't all couples (when being honest) have some area of their m they find lacking? So, as far as the ld/hd issue in my m, I do my best to realize that there are a heck of a lot worse things I could have to complain about.
The truth is I still post on this bb out of boredom. It was once something I needed but it has since become a form of entertainment, interaction etc.
No Shock tactics here. I couldn't afford to move out on my own anyway. But what did get his notice was several years of just not caring about the relationship at all and treating him like he was treating me. ie; he treated me like a roommate, so I did the same back to him. Housework, laundry, yard work was never an issue with us, he does his fair share, always has. I would take care of my responsibilities here then plan things with friends without him. Stopped even asking him to go anywhere with me. He moved into a different room in the house, so after a couple of years, I finally stopped caring and started treating him like he was my roommate. He panicked and now wants to make things better between us, and things are a little better in that he now does go do things with me a little more, gives me hugs sometimes and makes sure he kisses me hello, bye and goodnight, but we are still in different beds. So, even though the sex issue is no better, life in general is more pleasant. I still don't really care. Its sad that after 21 yrs of M I could care less. But it seems that he sensed that I had given up and it scared him. Who knows, maybe these baby steps will lead to other bigger steps. We will see.
My LD wasband and I struggled with this for 20 of the 23 years we were together. We never made any lasting progress, and my guess is it was never going to happen. We did Marriage Builders counseling, and got homework to "just do it" which my then H resisted.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
We too have struggled with this for the entire M. There were times when I was more occupied with other things and the fighting and struggling was eased a bit, but only because I was the one too busy and tired to beg, plead, cry about it. I somewhat feel that if the LD spouse does not compromise, it isn't going to work. Why should he want to work on something or compromise when he is happy?
I have read a lot of websites and several books, and yes, they indicate that in great marriages sex is FAR less of a problem then in troubled marriages. In fact most marital problems will cause sexual problems and vice versa. Dr. Harley has been counseling for over 20 years and openly admits that in 90% of the marriage counseling, he has to teach the husband how to be comunicative to the wife, and to teach the wife how to be the husbands lover.
Quote: My immediate goal at the moment doesn't even have anything to do with sex, it has to do with fundamentally reconnecting with my wife.
I agree with you 100% on this. I too am trying to reconnect with the wife. In theory, if we meet our wives needs from marriage, then they will in their own way "desire" us, or so say all the experts. People think that I am all about sex, but I am not. What I am all about is "Desire". The first four years I knew my wife she was my "Lover", she had "Desire". I would be very happy on most days to get affection, not sex! But affection and sex go hand in hand. If a women loses desire for sex, they quite often avaoid affection as well, since affection might lead to sex, which they are trying to avoid. So to get more affection, she some how has to change her desire for sex. In effect, you can not address one problem without addressing the other.
I have gone through the list of needs in marriage from Dr. Harley's site, and I can safely say that the only needs that I have that can make love bank deposits are sexual fulfillment and affection. If the wife does anything else, she won't be making any deposits. In fact, the only way that I can receive love from her is in some physical way. I have only one goal in life, to spenmd the rest of my life with my lover. I hope that this will be my wife, but if she can not do this, I will have to find someone else. I am not asking my wife to be something she never has been, I am just asking her to be the women I married, and not even 100% of that women. I married a HD women, and I wnat her back. LD/ND is completely unacceptable. I consider this type of marriage to be hell on earth.
If I had no children, I would have left this women a long time ago. But I have 3 youn children with her, and they are innocent bystanders. Yes, I could be selfish and go looking for love elsewhere, but I love them, and I want them to have as normal of a life as possible. Divorce would be hard on them emotionally as well as financially. So for as long as I can stick it out, I will stay married to the great "Fridgid" one. Hey, maybe I will find some solution that warms her up a little bit.
annette, you described our relationship perfectly with your sitch. For the past few years, we simply did our own thing. I nearly moved into the other bedroom because I could sleep much better there.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I feel for you, been going through the motions for 21 years. Don't get me wrong, we do have good times, like going out to dinner, family events, stuff like that, but the absence of intimacy has killed my feelings for him. The really sad part of my sitch is I don't care. I try to keep busy. Hope things turn around for you and everyone else on here that is working so hard to make a better M
