Where will we go from here

[TimR]

BTW I also think she has this paranoia about me telling every one in town what is going on. She said something to S13 about me telling everyone. Kinda funny cause I am betting she told more people than I did and being somewhat public about it on FB tends to create rumors.

[Sparkls]

Yeeaaahhh....I'm kind of guilty of this. I told a bunch of his friends/family but I always basically told them what happened, that I wanted him back, but that my main concern for contacting them was to have them just be there for him to be a sounding board if he needed it. It was met with pretty positive responses universally. I also told most of my family because I needed the emotional support. I never dragged his name through the mud, never played the blame game. Never asked anyone to tell him to come home.

Was it the right thing to do? I have no clue. I haven't heard from any of them except his cousin since I told them.
At the end of the day, it probably didn't help considering he's still with OW. I have to continuously supress the urge to reach out to them and ask for help. (see control in my own thread :-p)

[daybyday]

TimR I totally understand about getting sucked back in by something so small as a text. Sometimes I find myself hopping back into my work truck to see if she texted (like she used to). it's rare anymore.

A little codependency at work here. Definitely something we would like to improve on I'm sure. I think you did all right. Maybe shorter and to the point next time. Good job!

[TimR]

Thanks sparkls and daybyday. She talks to me about controlling her, if only she knew the complete and utter control she has over me. Not the hey you do this and then I do it, but the small text and she just completely destroyed my world for the unforeseeable future. Drop the rope, drop the rope, drop the rope, oh sh!t its super glued to my hands.

[broke]

As you know, I got a text today, too, after doing so well over the weekend. I feel like my grip on the rope just got tighter, too, because of the text. After speaking to them everyday for years and them being our best friends, it is so hard not to be crushed when they start NC again. It is a high when they reach out and then you come crashing down once they stop. (Yes and I was called controlling, too, I find that pretty funny)

I don't think that they have any idea how it makes us feel but I do feel like sometimes it is just a temperature check to make sure that we are still there. And, maybe, we would be willing to just keep waiting for them. I think it is really still all about them and how they feel….seeing if they still have our attention. Or, are we really as detached as we seem?

I made the mistake of telling lots of people about the PA. Well, if I am being honest, I told lots of people about my suspicions. I didn't really confirm it to many. I wish I wouldn't have, but my IC says I shouldn't have to protect him since it was his mistake. However, while I needed the emotional support at the time, it definitely makes it harder for him to return because of his pride and for us to reconcile because of my pride. Wouldn't recommend it….

[CWOL]

I made the mistake of telling lots of people about the PA. Well, if I am being honest, I told lots of people about my suspicions. I didn't really confirm it to many. I wish I wouldn't have, but my IC says I shouldn't have to protect him since it was his mistake. However, while I needed the emotional support at the time, it definitely makes it harder for him to return because of his pride and for us to reconcile because of my pride. Wouldn't recommend it….

Why do you think that's a mistake? I told some of our close friends, but I generally don't volunteer this information. However, if they ask I will tell them the truth. My WW wanted to pretend that OM has nothing to do with her leaving and instead wants to blame MY behavior. However, her emails show that OM had EVERYTHING to do with it, was coaching her through the steps she needed for separation, D, etc. He was actively encouraging her even though he has no plans to be with her.

Like your IC, I don't think you should have to cover for your WH.

[Sparkls]

I made the mistake of telling lots of people about the PA. Well, if I am being honest, I told lots of people about my suspicions. I didn't really confirm it to many. I wish I wouldn't have, but my IC says I shouldn't have to protect him since it was his mistake. However, while I needed the emotional support at the time, it definitely makes it harder for him to return because of his pride and for us to reconcile because of my pride. Wouldn't recommend it….

Why do you think that's a mistake? I told some of our close friends, but I generally don't volunteer this information. However, if they ask I will tell them the truth. My WW wanted to pretend that OM has nothing to do with her leaving and instead wants to blame MY behavior. However, her emails show that OM had EVERYTHING to do with it, was coaching her through the steps she needed for separation, D, etc. He was actively encouraging her even though he has no plans to be with her.

Like your IC, I don't think you should have to cover for your WH.

My WH's OW definitely did the same thing but alas, he's still blamed it on me. Or at least has said he's not leaving to be *with* her, he's just leaving me. (funny how he never had thoughts of doing that till she came in the picture....)

God. Its all such bullsh*t

[broke]

CWOL (Sorry to hijack Tim),

To answer your question about why I regret telling many about my H's PA, it is primarily because it would hurt our chances for reconciliation. I always thought a PA would be a deal breaker for me, so when I thought he was cheating, I didn't think before I told everyone. I just thought I would be done when I knew for sure. But, I was wrong. I would stand for my M and for my family IF he was remorseful and willing to try. Telling lots of people was really because I needed the emotional support but my H sees it as me telling everyone so they hate him, side with me and want to punish him. So, I think it hurts our chances of reconciliation for his pride (i.e. he needs to follow through with D because it was the problems not the A that caused our divorce) and for my pride (after telling all these friends, will they support me if we ever try to reconcile - not looking good right now anyway though).

[TimR]

I told two friends the truth because I needed emotional support. I have no idea how many she has told or what her story is when she tells people. I know it cant be the truth because they would tell her she is crazy. I also know that it leaks out because I know some of the wrestling parents have seen her texting and looked at what she was texting. I guess there has been some discussion about it. Of course no one has said anything to me, but what do you say in that situation anyway.

Can I just start a new thread I have something I need some advice on and would like as many to weigh in as possible with any ideas?

[Sparkls]

Sure! You're already at 99 after I submit this. I'll just submit something else to put you over :-p