I am glad you figured that out on your own, Red. That is a big help to DB'ing for yourself. You are too great a person to let yourself be controlled by him anymore. You are doing great - it is still really early since you found out about OW. Stay strong for you (and your kids).
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
That makes sense. HE was with the kids at home for 2 days which means no OW and no me. He went dark again today since he went to the OW house as he is on vacation.
I do not want to be a kleenex.
All he got from me today after he left was S3 went to dr, has an ear infection and is on meds for 10 days.
S3 told him he did not feel good the FRIST day he had him but it took until mommy came home for him to go to the dr.
He was crying about it when the H left so he knew I was going to the dr.
I'm doing great tonight I feel, working my butt off and cleaning house.
Max, yeah inside the house tonight after home all day with sick babies my mind started to betray me and want to just think about what they were doing when I'm trying to sleep.
Does anyone have advice on how to not think about that stuff until 2-3 am?. I was thinking of putting on headphones in one ear and sleeping listening to music but then I worry I wont hear the kids =/.
-Do something different everyday- watch a new show, try a new hobby, go to a new park, try new exercises etc try to add variety to my life.
-NC unless about the kids which mostly this week might be my sick s3
-apply for cna nursing board test. I start my one secret from H job today!
-BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. I am my worst enemy. I think my do not touch me boundary lasted the longest 5 days. Wednesday I got a quick hug while he was holding the kids and Thursday I got a fist bump I was okay with that. Saturday I had him touching me non stop to the point we were wrestling on the bed because he wanted to see a tattoo I have (I DO NOT HAVE ONE BUT HE IS CONVINCED) on my ribcage or hip. He heard I did and is determined to find it. My only ones on my foot. Then saturday morning at 1:30 am-2 am we just hugged probably the whole time. That was my come over on my way home because he wanted to see my shirt but we just hungout inside the garage with him hugging me and cuddly. That was my rock bottom, wtf am I doing..I can't talk to him while I'm tipsy because I'm not a drinker AT ALL so I guess I just get super loving and touchy.Then sunday about 8 hugs he gave me when he left. It is my own fault because I let him because I just miss hugging-touching him but I have to make it stop again and REALLY make it stop for my sanity.
-Stop putting myself down. One of my guy friends got all emotional talking to me. He said it makes him so sad to see that I have no value in myself because my H has no value in me and that I see myself as worthless. It was true. He also said I have ugly duck syndrome where I think I'm ehh or ugly but I'm really gorgeous. I have tons of people telling me I'm gorgeous or so pretty but I do not see it. I'm working on it. I do feel like discarded garbage even with all these guys chasing me and trying to date me.
I feel detached from H sometimes and then I'll just wonder what they are doing. On a date? Watching tv? Does he have a house key? What does he do when she is in school? It doesn't make me sad to think about it really just annoyed and nosey.
DAY 1 of my under the table job for my old boss AKA THE OW EX MOTHER IN LAW..who is also my H's EX best friends mom. Mmmmmmmm.
Jksd- aromatherapy no but I should! I have a lot of nice scented candles, I'll have to look it up and see what I can get for that.
I have never actually tried warm milk before but I will try that today. My kids have a good before bed routine. I should give myself one. That is a great suggestion. I figured I was too old for one.
[Quote/ jujub]Let's work with what we know. Our husbands are very selfish men. If they want something, what they want will take 1st priority no matter who is hurt (primarily kids). Like you said, if he wanted that party to happen it would happen. I bet if it was about him saving money on taxes, he would be repeatedly phoning and texting and coming by to get your response. Who knows why he brought it up.
Fake it till you make it. Do not call back and ask him anything. It will show your attachment. Forget he even wrote to you.
We both need to detach. Let's do it together.
Remember. We are not winning back these great prizes of a husband. Would you ever knowingly date a man that left his wife and small child for OW? You would probably be instantly turned off by him. So why are you attached to this one?
Would I go for a single parent that is devoted to their child and volunteers with children that have special needs? That person is truly a prize.
We need to look at the reality of who they are. We are the ones in a fog.[/quote]
Jujub wrote this on someone stitch and it was VERY eye opening to me.
I'M in a fog just as much as my H IS..and normally I would be turned off and disgusted by the man. Oh man.
If nothing else then at least this happened while you're still so young. Your husband isn't a man, not yet. He's still a child and behaving like one. I wonder if he didn't/doesn't have a strong male role model in his life?
If this is the end then take comfort that your life isn't even 1/3 over yet. You're so young. You will move on and you will have a great life. If nothing else, you got your wonderful kids out of this marriage. You'll never be alone. You and the kiddos can make plans to move forward into a great new adventure.
Letting go involves you very actively making plans for you and the kids post-marriage. Envisioning that life, listing out all the things you need to accomplish, and start working on them. Don't worry at all about what he has to say about anything. He wanted off your team and you only share your plans with your team.
Protect yourself legally. Talk with a lawyer. In fact, if you can afford it, do an initial consultation with the top 3-5 divorce lawyers in your area. If you do that then your H can't use them.
Focus your thoughts. Don't let them wander back to sadness and despair of what you're losing. When you put it in perspective you're detaching from an immoral person of low character. That's not a bad thing. When you find yourself lamenting the loss of the R then refocus right away. Get up and clean the house or play with the kids. DO NOT allow yourself to wallow in pity, sadness, despair. Those are all negative emotions that will drag you down. Exercise. Go for walks with the kiddos, whatever. Do something. Move and sweat. That releases endorphins that fight off depression and sadness.
You're going to be fine. Put it this way, if my wife had done what she did when I was only 24 I would have divorced her as quickly as possible, moved on, and never looked back. You're going to have a great life. Start having it right now.
