the road goes ever on and on...

[Zues126]

JB, I have been horrible to leave your post hanging out there. I told you on your thread a few weeks ago I was trying to get my head around what I wanted to say. Again, it's taken me time to really find the right words.

Maybe it's because we're introverted. I'm very much so. I don't connect with many people, if it looks like I do it's really the outer me that's going through the motions. Make no mistake, I engage with people, am very present, and find joy in those little interactions even at the drive through, or just giving someone directions. But my inner self is by myself. I don't share my inner self with many people. It's not that I don't open up, I think people can tell I'm not shy about who I am...I guess it's just that most people don't put the same premium on what those connections mean. It's kind of sad that they are so fleeting. I think that's why I am such an advocate for marriage, to me it was the one commitment and connection that should be separated only by death, but reading these forums proves that's not the world we live in. Things just don't last forever, and us valuing them doesn't keep others from diminishing their value, and it certainly doesn't keep time from passing and the years to eventually take it all away.

It sounds like I'm depressed when I talk this way, but I don't feel depressed. I feel more at peace and happier than ever. I feel like I've come closer to accepting some things that on the surface seem pretty dark.

Like on your thread, you're talking about your body, your feelings of insufficiency, and your concern about whether you'll be effective in a relationship. Everyone else is all "oh, you can get in great shape", or "there's someone out there that will love you the way you are", etc. And to a point those are positive beliefs, law of attraction, controlling what you can control, all of this stuff. As a competitor I'm all about using my white magic to manifest my will in the universe.

But at the same time, there are some hard truths. Some women remain single all of their lives. Not every woman makes peace with their body, and not every woman finds a man that's undiscriminating. And if you do, there's no guarantee that he'll be good to you, care for you, or remain true to you. What makes us think it will end up better for us? Shoot, I never thought I'd be on a divorce forum, and I thought the stuff my ex did was stuff that happened to other people. Now I get this is our world.

So when you express your fears and doubts, I can't give you much of a pep talk. All I can say is "yup, that's the world we live in". But while that's hard at first, it's only hard if we cling to false ideas of how the world works. If we convince ourselves that the world should be fair, that we should be the exception to the rule because we're us and so we should be fulfilled in every way, and so on...then we're going to be very disappointed. If we can accept that there's a chance that we might be single for the rest of our lives, be a bit lonely and sad, battle self doubt indefinitely, and wrestle with the loss of not having the relationships and life that we felt we wanted...well, that's ok. Because that opens us up to enjoying the life we DID get. And however crippled it may seem at time, it is still special. And however painful it may be, there are miracles to be appreciative of, and we can take solace in knowing that it won't last forever.

But anyway, to your post, I will just say this. I remember the day you joined the forum. I remember reading your first post. I remember you posting on my thread and getting to know you. It was a tough road we were on, but I couldn't have asked for better companions along the way.

You're right. I'm torn on these forums. It has weighed me down to see the deterioration of marriage. I'm still grieving for mine, and each new poster, each new WAS is a ripple of pain to me. At times I feel like giving up and just accepting that marriage doesn't work, just waiving the flag and letting the army of pro-divorcers win the war. It makes me so sick I can hardly stand to look at it. And I am trying to accept that part of our world, and not let it interfere with the joy I have in my life.

But as I said, I still have to control what I can. I still have to speak my voice. I have had a few posters tell me that I've inspired them. Maybe by my posts on their threads. And maybe the same stubbornness that frustrates some inspires others. Others like me that are near the breaking point, that then say "there's at least ONE person out there that feels the way I feel". And so I will keep posting. So of all the things that you have done for me, encouraging me to keep speaking my heart is probably the most meaningful to me JB. If my posting here also prolongs the time we share on this journey, that's awesome. But while it may not last forever, know that there is no one that could value the fleeting overlap in our journeys any more than I do.