Feeling lost

[srt]

Having slept on it I can now see DBing is the right approach - to just get on and be the best I can be.

However, I'd like to know from those with kids how they managed it? I think due to Mothers day being yesterday and the fact I had the kids all day pissed her off? Is this a good thing so that she is seeing the consequences of her actions?

[Accuray]

Yes this is very hard!

I'm scared DBing is going to have the wrong effect for me at this time.

This is the reason why it doesn't work for many people -- they doubt it is best and continue to pursue, beg, plead and do the things they shouldn't do, then when they finally give up on that it's too late.

Glad you slept on it and glad you're keeping the faith. How to deal with a hostile person who wants to argue with you is a difficult skill to master, but something you can do.

Simply refuse to engage. "I will not have this conversation with you now, I'm sorry that you seem upset" repeat, repeat.

Do not see her anger and spewing as a reflection on you or the situation, it's about the turmoil going on inside of her and there's nothing you can do about it.

[TimR]

"Do not see her anger and spewing as a reflection on you or the situation, it's about the turmoil going on inside of her and there's nothing you can do about it."

Accuray, I love that line and if it is true, I am in good shape bc my WW must have so much turmoil in her as her anger and spewing is so strong, nasty and constant!

Sorry to hijack.

[CWOL]

In that situation, she was initially still angry at him for whatever had happened over the course of their marriage, but the space he gave her gave her the opportunity to process that anger and move beyond it. After the anger was processed, which took several months, she started to remember the good times and what brought them together to begin with, and then began to feel like she *might* have made a mistake in straying instead of trying to work through things.

Was this LBH able to reconcile with his WW in the end? Or did he blazed a new path (at his own choosing)? Or did WW throw in the towel?

[broke]

CWOL - I have kids and the DB'ing has actually helped in my situation. I was very angry until I found this site about a month ago (H is in PA). And, I showed that anger all the time. By GAL'ing and trying to improve myself, I have stopped acting on the anger (I am still very angry, but it doesn't do any good for my kids to see it or my hopes of reconciliation). With regards to Mother's Day, she could've asked you to switch days with her? Or, in the future, you both could try to schedule a year out and take that into account….I have Mother's Day and he has Father's Day. It does show her that her actions have consequences - really all she had to do was ask to rearrange the days.

With regards to DB'ing in general, does it work? I don't know but I do know that begging, pleading and pursuing did NOT work in my case. It went on for almost 7 months and my H has filed for D, bought a new house and told our boys that he is proceeding with D. In the last month, I have been DB'ing and we are at least civil to one another and can co-parent effectively. And, I am a way better, stronger person to be in my next R with or without my H. Good Luck!

[srt]

Hey thanks for the reply, I did a bit of validating during and after and it felt good to be able to says things which I knew were going to help.
I guess I'm on a long and winding road, which is very different to my normal, direct way of travelling!

[CWOL]

CWOL - I have kids and the DB'ing has actually helped in my situation. I was very angry until I found this site about a month ago (H is in PA).

Yes, I am just wondering what happened to the cases Accuray wrote about... But on second reading, I noticed he used the words "exes" which lead me to believe they both ended up splitting.

[Accuray]

The first guy will be forever in limbo until he stops pursuing, which at this rate may be never. In the second situation these are recent events -- I'm not sure the guy is interested in going back at this point. That's kind of the beauty of dropping the rope -- if you reconcile it's because you want to and it seems like it will bring you joy, not because you feel you "have to" in order to make the pain stop.

That's where you want to be

Acc

[cubebot]

Isn't Mothers Day in May? Also, I am new here too (by no means a vet and I struggle everyday) Listen to these people. Listen to Accuracy. SLOW down, get the basics and work on yourself. You CAN do this, but you have to follow the process. When i was younger and just starting in my career path I once had a mentor that told me something and to be honest it didn't hit me until now. "When all else FAILS, the SYSTEM prevails". This is a process. You didn't get here overnight and you won't fix the core of your issues overnight. It requires lots of patience. You are not doing this to change HER you are doing this to make yourself a better MAN which ultimately makes you a better husband. But the MAN comes first.

[CWOL]

The first guy will be forever in limbo until he stops pursuing, which at this rate may be never. In the second situation these are recent events -- I'm not sure the guy is interested in going back at this point. That's kind of the beauty of dropping the rope -- if you reconcile it's because you want to and it seems like it will bring you joy, not because you feel you "have to" in order to make the pain stop.

That's where you want to be

Acc

You are probably right.
It is difficult for us "freshly betrayed" to see D as a successful result. But that is a result of our current perspective and framing of the problem, that might come as we see more of our WS's true self.