Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[NYGal]

Sparkls and Tim, yup, count me in. I can totally relate. Tenacious, can't let go, a tad controlling (haha), etc.
I just reactivated my FB so I can look like I have a life. But I will NOT check her status. Of course, since she went from one R to another, her R status really hasn't changed, has it?

Oh, and did I say impatient? I'm 4 months in and I know someone who is not reconciling after 4 years. OMG, but at least they are reconciling. Slowly. We. Must. Be. Patient.

[TimR]

I agree with the FB thing overcoming fear that you do not have to deal with it when they do. But ask yourself this (I already had this conversation with myself) is the reason I want to change status so I do not have to deal with it when they do???

[TimR]

BTW I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to the FB question. But maybe some right or wrong motivations on our behalf.

[Sparkls]

It's a multifold thing for me. One is so I won't have to worry about him doing it to me. Another is maybe it'll mean something to him, inspire some sort of change. Cause there hasn't been any change otherwise. Part of it is that it says In an Open relationship from when we were and seeing that now kind of makes me sick and makes me think that people will see that and he'll be justified in what he's doing. I can't change it to just in a relationship without him knowing or approving it.
And part of me is like dude, it's *facebook* it literally means nothing. After all, he hasn't changed it either and he's on the damned thing every single day.
The one small nice thing about it is that while he's in a relationship with me, he can't be in one with OW and I secretly hope that that is grating on her. (I know, I'm a terrible person and that's terrible DBing)

[NYGal]

Don't worry about it either way. Don't change it. Just leave it. It doesn't matter. Even if he changes it, it means NOTHING. Seriously. These things change. They hate us, then they love us, then they're sooooooooooooo confused. It is just a rollercoaster and any individual thing doesn't mean so much. Believe me, I've been there -- getting advice on wording every single email or text. And in the end? It hasn't gotten me what I want. Yet. Keep the faith. Hang in there. It's not over yet.

[Sparkls]

its just hard when the only message im getting is "Im done."
From the outside, it seems obvious that its over and I just need to accept it....I forget who get said it but someone posted in one of the new forums that youll get an idea from reading whos situations are hopeless and I think thats Us and Im just too stubborn to let it go....

[NYGal]

I don't think it's hopeless. It's all so new. He has no idea if this OW is going to work out or not. He may be miserable in no time, confused for months, and only then missing you. I wanted it to happen faster and many counseled me to be patient. It takes time. And the last thing we want is for them to come back before they're ready and do it all over again to us. And when they do come back? That's when we have to take it really slowly. And it's always better to do nothing than to do or say the wrong thing. Patience.

[TimR]

"The one small nice thing about it is that while he's in a relationship with me, he can't be in one with OW and I secretly hope that that is grating on her. (I know, I'm a terrible person and that's terrible DBing)"

Thank you, I needed that chuckle!

[broke]

Sparkles - I say wait on the Fb status. I took off my wedding rings (at his suggestion) and I wish I would've waited and done it when I was less emotional. IMHO I think you want to "force" an interaction with him (I've done this with my H several times and honestly I think he knew I was manipulating him into communicating with me). What if your partner didn't even notice it or reach out? It may make you feel worse….I say that it is still really early. This is a marathon not a sprint and keep doing what you are doing. You are strong and GAL'ing right out of the gate.

I think a lot of us LBS like to control things and want to take action. But, I can honestly say that me pursuing, begging and pleading for reconciliation caused my H to file for D, buy a house and tell the boys we were proceeding with the D. So, why not learn from my mistakes and try something that may work?! It kills me when there is NC and I get that it is even worse for those that don't have forced interaction because of the kids. But, we can do this….I know that I am a better me than 7 months ago and DB'ing has at least made me realize what my next R will look like (with or without H).

You got this, Sparkles, I know you do.

[Sparkls]

Not gunna lie, it's rough seeing how much everyone else's WS seem to be checking in on them when mine has been stark radio silent. I know how hard it is for everyone who is having contact but at least it's something. Shows they're still thinking of you, at least a little.
Literally the only messages I've gotten since d-day were directly related to him picking up his things. He treated it like a business interaction. From love of his life to an awkward next door neighbor.