Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

The other hard part for me is there talk of doing what you did to attract them in the first place. When we first starting seeing each other, I lived 2000 miles away and he just kept saying he couldn't do a relationship right now. I kept talking, kept saying I wanted it, and that I knew what i was getting myself into. He didn't want to drag anyone else into his world at the time, but I walked in anyway with my flashlight.
That's how I won him over in the beginning. Because of my tenacity. But that won't work right now? I can show tenacity and spunk in other ways, but it feels foreign. It feels like inaction when faced against adversity. All of this "work on yourself." I have some problems (depression being the biggest one) but I've never been unhappy with who I am. So when the advice is change for yourself, part of me says "but, I already kind of like who I am." I'm kind, big hearted, but I work hard and fight for what I want and believe is right. Negatives: I'm stubborn, I judge myself too critically, I let what other people say bother me more than I want. But my biggest problem right now is that I"m just scared of everything. Scared of losing H, scared of him coming back, scared of moving, scared of staying. I don't know how to get over the fear. I've got some great things coming up but I can't seem to muster any excitement for them. or it's incredibly fleeting.

Even the FB thing is trying to overcome a fear. If I remove it first, I don't have to deal with if/when he does it.