Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

It's been an interesting day just in terms of my own mind. Less saddness, more introspection.
I spent the hour long walk with my dogs thinking about gratitude and how that's something I think I forget to do. I've been better about it lately, but as I near the end of my med school journey, there are people who helped me get here who I can't show appreciation to the way I'd like ( H for one. and H's mother. She let me live in her home when my own family wouldn't and I was not exactly a good house guest to her. I'd like to thank her truly for doing that but I fear it'll come across as trying to manipulate her to being on "my side" and convince H to come back. And then I question whether there isn't a small grain of that in this.)
I've spent a lot of time figuring out what letting go would look like and feel like. To really be ready to move on. To still hope that he comes back but to be okay with whatever the result and really have no expectations about it. I haven't come to any grand conclusions. I think some of it will come with me really being able to start planning my own future after match day next week.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about control, because it's an area that I have a really hard time with personally. I'm a bit of a control freak. It was one of the things that I think set the stage for some of our problems. When my mom died, I freaked out at the complete loss of control over the whole situation and started controlling more the things I thought I could (H).
I'm spending time thinking about the areas that I've given up control and been okay. Match day for example. I have zero control over where I end up at this point. It's out of my hands. And that doesn't bother me.
But the same could be said for H and yet, I still have this illusion of control. Letting go will be really well and truly letting go of this desire to try and influence the outcome. This is really hard for me as I've always believed if you want something, you work for it. And this has been a pretty successful practice in my life. But I'm a bit more lost on what "working" for my R or lack there of means. I guess that's what I"m doing now, looking at myself.
I can only hope that H asking about my counseling was his was of checking in on possible changes in me. I wonder if I should've been more forthcoming. Given the mood, I think not.

And I wonder if tough love is the right way to go with H. I've spent so much time analyzing the few conversations we had after D-day and the total lack of communication since that I've convinced myself maybe he's more of a walk away than a wayward. But he's living with OW. And if tough love is the way, should I be the one to change the facebook status (I won't block him or anything), my way of showing I'm letting go. The main reason I haven't: fear. Fear that that'll be me giving him "permission" to go. That he'll take it as me saying I'm no longer interested in any sort of R. Fear of not knowing. Of all of my emotions through this, fear is the hardest for me personally to overcome.