Hi Melweb, I think you did well....but best to avoid asking him about going to counselling etc. It's too soon to pursue that IMHO. I would continue to detach and be light, breezy, living life for you for now...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto. And sadly, I agree. It was a little bit after I asked that I kinda went " oh, it might be too soon for that."
I guess I was thinking about this passion crap that he keeps telling me is the missing ingredient. Maybe he could talk to someone who could tell him that passion fades/dies in every relationship. That its up to is to keep it alive. I know he is 49teen, but jeepers. Not that I don't want or need passion, but I know it comes and goes, that I need to make it happen, I need to find it cuz it won't find me. But here I go, being logical. Somebody stop me.
I can be light and detatched. Easy, breezy, beautiful. Yup. Thats me.
Thanks again.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
He is very emotionally immature. That usually stems from childhood issues that an IC could help identify and treat. Tell-tale signs of this type of behavior are all the silly statements about passion he makes, use of phrases like "soul mates" and all that silly crap. Unfortunately that type of mental illness leads to affairs. They seek out other people with the same mental issues. People who think life should be all rainbows, unicorns, soul mates. That's not life. He has to learn what life and marriage really is and stop chasing unicorns because they're not real. The grass is not greener out there. It's greener where you water it.
I agree wholeheartedly Tx--he is emotionally immature and that puts him square in a MLC, by definition. And I am 99.9 % sure he is already having an A, certainly emotional, probably physical.
Since he not even close to being logical or rational I am pretty sure me telling him to put his big boys pants on (And change out of those skinny jeans) will have zero results. Funny thing is, when we were in temporary reconciliation, we talked about this stuff. That life got in the way, we put our marriage last, that we had to work on it, that there will still be times we let each other down cuz that is marriage. But we started date nights, really communicating and just really reconnecting. At least thats what I thought.
Couple of my observations: I think he wants me to out his A. 1)It came up that his boss is cheating and not hiding it. 2) He left his computer on when he went to gym. Just seems odd. I think there might be trouble in paradise as they are no longer FB friends, and he has stopped 'liking' every gosh darn thing she posts. Also he has gotten pretty forgetful. Thanked me 3 times yesterday for changing his sheets, and wondered why the front door was unlocked---ummmm, because you just went out it.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I had to chime in on the passion thing. I've heard the same ... no passion, there's no spark, etc. It's so sad to watch because those aren't things that just fall into your lap. From what I've read on these boards, many of the MLCers think it's just out there waiting for them to snatch it up. It seems to be another one of those things that they just have to figure out for themselves.
If you think he wants you to out him on his affair, I most definitely wouldn't take that bait. As you probably already know, most MLCers look for reasons to resent and dislike the LBS in order to ease their own guilt about what they're doing. Outing him would give him a biggie.
One of my h's biggest stumbling blocks is that I told my (adult) children what was going on with us. I didn't really have to tell them ... they figured it out (as did a lot of other folks ... he actually flaunted his A in front of some of our employees). Now H is extremely wary of confronting my kids ... so much so that he didn't come to my Mom's funeral last year. I think it's a big reason he stays away from here. He blames me for all that. Don't go there.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I was accused of not letting him have friends, I was pressuring, and we needed to go slow. He mentioned these women "friends" once or twice and that he would not give them up.
OMG, I was accused of the same – not letting H to have female friends, which there were quite a few… And yes, he would not give them up… I was accused of being jealous and controlling…
MrBond, I don’t get your point? “Sometimes they leave because they really were unhappy with the M.” I don’t get it… Are you saying that melweb’s H is not in MLC? After he told her that he was “done”, but still coming home and giving her hugs and kisses and behaving like nothing happened? I might agree with you questioning “emotionally immature” comments, but melweb’s H is clearly in a very confused state.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I agree wholeheartedly Tx--he is emotionally immature and that puts him square in a MLC, by definition. And I am 99.9 % sure he is already having an A, certainly emotional, probably physical.
Since he not even close to being logical or rational I am pretty sure me telling him to put his big boys pants on (And change out of those skinny jeans) will have zero results. Funny thing is, when we were in temporary reconciliation, we talked about this stuff. That life got in the way, we put our marriage last, that we had to work on it, that there will still be times we let each other down cuz that is marriage. But we started date nights, really communicating and just really reconnecting. At least thats what I thought.
Couple of my observations: I think he wants me to out his A. 1)It came up that his boss is cheating and not hiding it. 2) He left his computer on when he went to gym. Just seems odd. I think there might be trouble in paradise as they are no longer FB friends, and he has stopped 'liking' every gosh darn thing she posts. Also he has gotten pretty forgetful. Thanked me 3 times yesterday for changing his sheets, and wondered why the front door was unlocked---ummmm, because you just went out it.
Being the only adult in the room can have its advantages. If he has the emotional maturity of a child then you can guide him as you would a child. I think you're right about him wanting you to "out" the A, or better yet, figure out how to get him back on track because, being an emotional child, he can't figure that out himself. My wife has told me several times that she really wanted me to save her when she was in her MLC but she was lost and didn't know how to tell me.
MrB--I am not sure I am getting your point either. Of course he is unhappy, no denying. That is why I am here. That is why I am DBing. It is in CONJUNCTION with the other behavior that has me believing it is MLC. And if its not, I'll eat his thongs!! ie, full body wax, teeth whitening, wardrobe change, tanning, ummm, did I mention thongs?
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
MLC is brought on by certain triggers. It could be age, it could be the death of someone close, loss of a job, etc. Things that basically has someone re-evaluating their life. What could be his trigger?
Did the two of you try "experimenting"?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
