Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Oh my. I think I've blown it all to heck and back. And I almost don't care.

Midweek I had a real estate agent come to our home to value it and then we headed up to the vacation home to get a value on it. After she had left, after I had told stories about things in each room, I was overcome with emotion. Then I got angry. I did more work on that house than anyone and yet I have been told I'm not welcome there. So, I removed all of my clothing, makeup, toothbrush, etc. Then all of my paintings. Then all of my DVDs. If I could have, I would have removed every piece of furniture I acquired, refinished, and hauled into the house. Unpainted every wall. Punched holes into every place I had patched. Unhung every shelf, towel bar, light fixture, etc. So Angry.

H came over and, although he would talk in short statements, refused to look at me. He had brought a bunch of boxes from work for me to use to pack up the house (I had asked him to). He mentioned that he had spent the night at the vacation home...nothing about all that was missing, but he could also see that they were displayed around my living room and stair area.
We worked on the property together, but his absolute refusal to look at me (he talked to the air) started to bother me.

Our mediation is a week away. A few weeks ago, he had said that he wanted to hammer out a plan as much as we could before mediation, but we never did. So, I brought that up. I then found out that even though he's been meeting with his L for quite a few weeks, he knew nothing other than the date. He didn't know the cost, time allotted, or (if he was honest) what he needed to bring. I told him I had to prove a lot of financials and values. I sure hoped he had his info, because we were paying a lot for this guy's time. He looked surprised.

I suddenly realized how unemotional he was about this whole thing. He did say it bothered him that one of us wouldn't be living in our house and mentioned the dog a few times, but H just seemed great with our D. It got to me. R talk happened...almost mutually.

This time, however, because he was so done and uncaring and unapologetic, my anger bunnies started to stampede. All of those angry, imaginary conversations I'd had while walking through the house alone? Those words were finally verbalized. I didn't yell, or plead, or beg, and there were only a few tears that sneaked out.

He told me he'd tried for years to save our marriage. I countered with you didn't try WITH me. He told me he told me over and over that we had problems and I just didn't listen. I told him alluding to being unhappy or just saying "I'm fine" when I asked what's wrong or why he looked sad was not communicating. Turning to another woman was not working on our marriage. The fact that everyone saw that he was doing that was even worse.

I did not DB. I did not do much validating. I let everything out. There was no screaming or yelling. Some intensity. And then I was done.

What did I learn from this? His contempt for me through his eye rolling was obvious. How do you fight contempt? He also mentioned my air of superiority. I guess I do come across that way to others, but I always followed his lead and was pretty humble around him. As that also is a term he wouldn't normally use, I suddenly realized...those were not his words. That is something his lady friend would say. He has worked on our marriage with HER.

I guess I'm just going to accept this D. I can't put that anger back in me...it felt too good to let it out. It did nothing for my M, I know, but at least its out. H's reactions, although he still held most of his feelings inside or refused to verbalize, let me know how little he really valued our M. He thinks he "tried". But he didn't work with me at all. I don't see that changing ever, at this point.

This is the first time that we've interacted that I haven't felt sad or hopeful the next day.