Your post is being looked after by some great vets. If your W is a WW then Sandi is your best hope at undersanding.
I think in your MR you have spent too much time worried about what your said, did or thought. You were trying to make a never neverland for her. It was all about making her happy and giving her a good life or a good married life.
I did something similar at the beginning and found out later that instead of improving I was damaging.
What I did without realizing it until some time later when she exploded was blow apart her sense of security. I put the pressure on her and by hiding financial issues worsened the situation.
Many times what worries us is not what we do know but what we think we dont know. If I hid things and informed her. Hoe does she know I am not telling her the whole truth?.
IMHO therefore hiding things is never good. Dont tell her everything but dont everything. There is a fine line only you know. They can sense these things.
Another point is the bedroom, in your case it is messed up if you each moved to a bedroom from the start. There is no MBR so it is hard to conquer back that which never existed. You going to her room will be damaging.
As for the drinking I do not know what you are waiting for. I would have called her out the first time when she was drunk and with D. Emptied all bottles, packed a suitcase with her things and put her and it on the doorstep. Something.
I too do not understand why you make an issue of the drink but not OM. I can only imagine she is drinking to find the strength or ease the pain. She is not as strong as you think and the lower she goes the lower she pushes you. I think your last post about calling it a day because she answered badly is more a retaliatory action but I do not see you ready to walk out the door with all that will fall on you. I do not see you detached.
I once said that shouting at someone gives them temporarily strength. A bit like lighting a fire for a barbecue. If you blow air it lights ups quickly and fiercely but if you stop it does down as quickly. Do it too often and on one of these it will catch on and then burn by itself without help. You are at that stage I think. Gaining strength from her actions but not yet ready to burn alone.
You need to make a stand. Call her out on the OM, why are you hiding it from her? The OM is not the issue. Your M problems are but until he is out of the picture you cannot do any rebuilding. I think that letting the WS know about the OM is like starting the clock.
A whole new ball game.
Address the OM and drinking issue with no concessions, no negotiations. Do not back down. She will fight with tooth and nails but every mark she leaves on you without you backing down is a mrk in your favour. Every drop of blood she draws from you is a drop of respect you are gaining.
Then you may have a chance.
Finally, during all this time until she clears her head, detach and GAL but not as a house maid or dad, as a person, a man.
Find out about yourself, who you are, what you want and where you can make yourself a better perosn for your W 2.0 or someone else.
