Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

It was a very cute movie for sure (zootopia). Good times, though my brain does tend to wonder and I ended up trying to mind read, which of course gets me no where.
Journaling: The FB post by OW's BF really got to me though, snooping massive backfire "The hardest thing you'll ever do is grieve for someone who's still alive." (this is the same woman who posted something about leaving your hopeless relationship a few weeks before d-day)
I of course have no clue if it was directed at H, inspired by him, if he even saw it. But I just got into this pattern of thinking that if he's grieving for me, he doesn't have to. I'm right here, willing to move forward. Yes, we'll have to move forward but there's just no good reason that we need to not be apart of eachother's lives.
I guess that's what bothers me. Sure, we had problems in our relationship but none of them were good enough reasons for this. I have to keep reminding myself that he was unhappy, for whatever the reasons, most of which had nothing to do with our R. and as much as I want to, I'm a fixer after all, I can't fix that. I guess that's the 180 for me there. Not fixing it. Not trying to fix it, letting him figure out his own way.
Fear: more of my fears coming up. Fear that he will find his happiness and decide that I'm not a part of it. Fear that he won't and will still never come around. He kept telling me "I have to see if I can be happy without you." I tried to ask him if that should really be the question, shouldn't it be can he be happy with me? (before the whole DBing starting, this was on d-day). So I dunno. I guess maybe it's easier to drop the rope if I just accept that it's over. As is the topic of discussion on another thread, why am I the one fighting when what I did wrong pales in comparison. But whenever I think about it truly being over and never seeing him again, I go straight into panic mode (yep, that rope is clutched tight). I'm good at supressing panic mode but still. I want him in my life. I chose him for a reason. I didn't jump into this blindly, I'll do the work.
But damnit, I just really want him to chose me. To fight for me like he used to.