Baby steps

[Painter]

Hi Ju,

Thank you for your support. Yes, it's been a very difficult decision that has taken me more than two years to reach.

When we have discussed the causes of the A, H points to me and something I said or did (including things that happened *after* the EA had been going on for a year). Not saying I'm blame free, but he didn't have to have an A, etc.

Although he feels bad about hurting me, he doesn't seem to feel he did anything wrong *considering the circumstances*, and he also expresses that it is up to me to make sure he doesn't do this again, by behaving a certain way.

He believes our R hinges on how he feels about it from day to day, and on my behavior. He feel that he mostly reacts to my words and actions - although he will at times acknowledge that he's not the easiest person to live with.

If we discuss making a commitment for the future, he feels 'pressured' and loses his feelings for me, and gets resentful.

He also thinks that I should be completely over the A and trust him at this point, because it's over for him (he says), and the past is behind us. Two months should be more than enough time to 'get over it'.

This is why I think a separation is best for us, and why I don't take the blame for it, even if I'm the one pointing out the elephant in the room.

I don't even feel very angry or like he is a bad person - I just think he's confused, emotionally immature, and more than a little self-centered and spoiled. He's a nice guy (when he's in a good mood) and a hard worker, just not very good at impulse control, and some problems with being honest in relationships. Obviously I care for him and wanted to save our R - otherwise I wouldn't have put myself through all of this, but I'm not going to list all the reasons why in this post.

I know how scary it must be to take the risk in dating/ marrying a new partner that might potentially betray. But it's actually more scary when you take back an old partner that you know will betray. Especially when they are not truly remorseful.

I don't plan on dating anytime soon, but that's a great point you make.