KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

This is harder than I'd think...well...
1. I did close down the bookstore successfully yesterday and put all the keys and signs in the right place.
2. I had one student appointment and answered all of her questions? Unfortunately this is slow time, in a couple weeks I'll see many more people.
3. I sat through a public presentation as part of an interview and paid attention to the whole thing and actually took notes.
Cheating and adding
from today...
4. met with a student who said when she was leaving, "I'm always so anxious before I come in here. And then I leave and I feel SO MUCH BETTER!" (apparently I'm much better at counseling other people, than counseling myself)
5. I finished and sent off an assessment plan for our department.

[KGirl]

Here's an important one:
-not contacting XBF, begging, pleading, asking for another chance, to reconsider, etc. At least I have the strength to say "he ended it because he couldn't handle our first fight - I have made all my apologies already. If he wants back in he knows where to find me. I'm not chasing someone that isn't interested enough."

[Mozza]

For months, all I could talk with my IC was STBX. I would analyze her every word and move, my behavior with her, wondering about how what I said affected her, etc. At some point, my IC suggested that perhaps I was not ready for therapy because I could not focus on me. The point is that there is no point in over-analyzing his reactions to you. You'll need to think and talk only about yourself: who you are and what you want and desire. And since you want someone who loves you back, he's not even in the picture. I sense that you're not so clear about what you want and just plain assuming what you desire if only because you couldn't quite come up with a GAL list of things that make you enthusiastic.

Regarding your doubts about what you said and how you acted, a quick anecdote. I recently had to dump a girl I was dating when I met New Girl who is just perfect for me (I hope!). This other girl started having doubts about how she acted with me, what she said, etc. She was confused what she did wrong so that I would choose someone else. It was not about her using this sentence, acting this way, etc. It was about who she was: she just wasn't who I was looking for and to become that person, she would have to change her job, speech, body, interests, etc. There's nothing in it for her! I bet it's the same with this guy: if you were a match for him, he wouldn't let you go because you asked too many times what he was up to. It's not a deal breaker when you're in love. You're not wrong: you're just not his type. You're someone else's type.

We've told you several times and in many ways that you need to work on your self-esteem and forget about this guy. I understand how hard that is, but you have to see that this is your way out of this hell.

We're with you. We've been there.

[Maybell]

Good job making the list of good things for the day. Now I expect to see you do another list like that today.

[KGirl]

Maybell, you are a task driver But I need that. There's not really anyone in my life (besides me, I guess) telling me to pull it together in any concrete away. Even at work no one is giving me anything to do right now so I need to come up with my own initiatives... wayy too much time to laze off and obsess at a time like this.

Things I did well today:
-Successful meeting/interaction with a student. She came in to talk about switching out of the major I advise, and said "I'm really excited about switching to this other major... but... I almost didn't want to because you wouldn't be my advisor anymore!" Reassured her we could still talk about general stuff whenever she wanted.
-I made dinner (as opposed to cereal... or pizza). OK so it was frozen fish fillets that I turned into fish tacos but still real food.
-Wrote out a long explanation of a process that was well received and understood by some faculty (they usually don't understand things I'm explaining to them)
-I went through an exercise I found online on "owning your own and letting others own theirs - transforming beliefs process". Tagline: This process is ideal for any situation where you're using faulty reasoning to take ownership of other people's feelings and behavior. If you're "blaming you" for something this process is especially relevant. - yep, sign me up. Did the whole exercise, it was informative.

That's all I've got right now. I guess this shows me that I spent wayy too much time slacking off today and not being motivated, coming up with things to do. I did meet with 3 students today but nothing particularly exceptional except for the one I noted above. I mean, I did what I was supposed to do and answered their questions, so I guess that's good?

.... I didn't cry today, does that count? One of my friends sat my butt down virtually yesterday and gave me a hard talk: yes, I may have done some not so nice things and I can own those (like bringing up relationship issues via text or telling someone they were being sh*tty in response to him saying he lied to me...) but at the end of the day people fight, people are mean to each other sometimes, but plenty of people don't leave their partner over a fight or some terse words. Believing "I can't bring up things that are bothering me or get upset because my partner will leave" is a pretty ridiculous belief once I identified what the actual belief was behind things.

[Maybell]

Not crying totally counts.

Your list is improving!!

Now do it again. Can you top yesterday's?

[KGirl]

Well, hard for me to say I did anything "well" yesterday. I feel like I basically did the bare minimum - I showed up to work, I went to the meetings I was supposed to go to, I answered the emails I got during the day, but I did nothing above and beyond. I did go to the gym after work. But otherwise I ate chips and salsa for dinner and watched a bunch of Bones reruns Then this morning I also did.. nothing. I finally got up and took a shower around one, made some lunch, and am working on a shopping list. I guess I need to keep myself busier on the weekends and have things to do - all those hours with nothing in front of me are hard.

[Maybell]

Make a point of doing at least one hard thing each day (like a good workout) and reframe your perspective about what you do accomplish. Instead of saying nothing you did was above & beyond, say, hey, I relaxed at the end of a long week. I made my bed. I called a friend and I didn't talk about myself. I made a choice to walk away from obsessive thoughts. This isn't entirely about doing amazing things. It's also about giving yourself credit for the things you did. Even if it feels weird.

Let's see a better try tomorrow, lady.

[KGirl]

I'll think of this more as things I "accomplished"/made an effort to do..:
Yesterday:
-I went to the grocery store with an actual plan and coupons. Haven't done that since December.
-Took a trip to the casino with a friend (even though I was tempted to call it off to sit at home and wallow), and came out $20 ahead!

Today:
-Read the newspaper. Which sounds silly but instead of reading them I've just been letting them pile up, taking out the coupons after a few days, then recycling them, because even bothering to read them has seemed pointless/like too much of an effort (more on that later)
-Got dressed, went and got some cat food so the cats wouldn't starve, stopped at bath and body works and smelled the candles and bought a particular delicious pineapple mango one. I have a candle addiction.
-Cooked one of the freezer meals that I made at a party back in December. Actual baked chicken with some veggies and rice.
-And now I'll go to the gym shortly and committing to stay through a whole TV episode from Netflix.

Goals for tonight: do dishes from dinner, take out recycling and trash, open a new savings account (I had to withdraw all my $ and close it after some car repairs this fall and I need to rebuild an emergency fund). If I feel the need to dwell on things, find something positive or that focuses on building self-esteem and self-love to read instead of stupid "why your relationship ended/how to get your ex back" cr*p.

I realize it is a serious not-good sign when I'm thinking things like "why even read the newspaper? Or do laundry? it's all so pointless" so here's hoping the professional help this week is... helpful. If one of my college students was telling me some of the stuff I've been thinking in my head I'd be physically walking them down to student health services and/or making them follow up with me to make sure they've done so. Trying to fake it until I make it hasn't done much this time. I've neglected to tell my friends and family the real extent of how I'm feeling lately because I worry they'll stage some sort of intervention on me and that's the last thing that I want to deal with - I think they're already collaborating to check up on me because my friends seem to be taking turns asking "How are you? what are your plans for the day? what will you be doing later?" etc. They have indicated that I should be "over this" by now and finding other guys to date and that I should just "forget that d-bag, he's a man-child" but it's not that simple. And easy for them to say when they're all securely married or about to be.

[KGirl]

....I also cleaned the kitchen counters and the toilet. Two thumbs up. Filling for my first cavity tomorrow and I wish I could bring a cat with me