Looking for a Spark in the dark 3

[Sparkls]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2658897#Post2658897

Quick rundown:
Boyfriend and I had open relationship. I asked to end it when my mom got sick and died of cancer. He decided that he didn't feel like doing that. Got the ILYBNIWY speech early Feb. Found a post by OW a few days later. He admitted to PA/EA for 9 months. Said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. "When I'm with you, I want to be alone. When I'm alone, I want to be with her." Then I don't love you, I never loved you blah blah. I left to stay with friends for a few days. Found out he had OW at my home. I kicked him out on V-day. He is staying with OW and OW's best friend and best friends' 3 kids. We have been largely NC with the exception of arranging him picking up more of his things. I would like to try and work things out but he's telling his friends he's done. I'm trying to be patient, give time for the affair to die and him to realize what he's lost but it's a daily strugggle-bus. I miss him. I miss my life. But I'll be okay.


Seems like it's been more down days than up this week. Day by day, it gets closer to Match day and graduation, both things I'd really like him there for.
I've been thinking about what happens if he moves to CO. (no expectations, just thinking about possibilities). If he goes there alone (without OW), then I'm fairly sure they'll be over, as she's just too emotionally needy to do long distance. He'll be around healthy people and can get his life back on track. And maybe that'll lead back to me. Or he'll still be miserable, realize it wasn't all my fault, and maybe come back to me. Or he'll be so happy in his new life, he'll just completely move on from me. Or some other option I haven't thought of. I'm scared that he'll go, but I can also see the upsides to it. PA has not been good for him or for us. We did the long distance thing for 3 years, so I know that if it came down to it, we could do it again for a little while. But rebuilding trust after the A long distance will be exponentially harder. I really wonder with the logical side of my brain if it's even worth it. My heart screams yes, but hearts are stupid, arent' they? Should I just be shoving it in a corner and telling it too f*king bad? That's certainly what everyone in my life things I should do. After all this man has done to me, does he even deserve my devotion anymore? We weren't married, no kids. Just a heck of a lot of history and memories together. Is that enough?

Side note: Everyone keeps talking about detaching. Are there any resources people have found helpful? or is it just a day by day thing?

[broke]

Sparkles,

I love what Thornton wrote. Every. Single. Word. It was absolutely on point. You are doing so well. I know you are hurting - gosh do I know. But, I spent most of my time in bed during the first two months of this drama. You are out there GAL'ing like a queen!

Don't send the email…..he will find his way back if he wants to come back. He has to have the time to figure himself out and see that he misses you. Please learn from my mistakes. Honestly, I feel like if I would've been DB'ing as early as you, my M might have had a chance. I begged, I pleaded, I pursued. I sent texts, I sent emails, I forced talks about our relationship at every turn. If you send the email, you back him into a corner and he pushes back. He will bail. His mind is a mess right now and he would take the easy way out.

You are strong, Sparks. I know you don't think so. I wish I had taken video of me or pictures of me to show you just how much better you are doing than you think. Keep going with the detaching. You got this.

[Sparkls]

I know we've all felt this way, just doesn't feel like any of it is ever going to matter.
I'm just feeling very defeated today. I want to tell all of his family how much I've loved having them in my life and I"m truly sorry that I won't be able to really call them family.

I'm going to go see a kids movie with friends.
I know one of the rules is no contact with family but I'm chatting with his cousin right now (he was in a pretty bad accident shortly after I had lunch with him one day) to see how his foot is doing. He's a riot. But the smile just doesn't quite touch the eyes tonight, so I'll fake it and hope some day I feel it again.

[broke]

I often feel like I am "faking it", going through the motions until I actually am no longer faking it. Sometimes, I think there is no other way.

Enjoy your movie, Sparkles.

[Thornton]

Hang in there, Sparkles.

I miss W's D8 so much. I've been her father since I met her when she was 3. I miss helping her with her homework and giving her high 5's. I miss all the silly games we would play in the stores while embarrassing her mother.

But, there's nothing I can do about it. I pray for her and hope she is doing well. And I hope she knows I still love her and always will.


Keep going, Sparks. You don't realize it yet, but the pain you are experiencing is making you stronger. You're slowly becoming immune to it. In order to detach, we have to hurt. There's no other way. So allow yourself to feel it but also challenge yourself to try new things in spite of it. You have to tip over the first domino.

Hope you had a good time with your friends!

[Sparkls]

It was a very cute movie for sure (zootopia). Good times, though my brain does tend to wonder and I ended up trying to mind read, which of course gets me no where.
Journaling: The FB post by OW's BF really got to me though, snooping massive backfire "The hardest thing you'll ever do is grieve for someone who's still alive." (this is the same woman who posted something about leaving your hopeless relationship a few weeks before d-day)
I of course have no clue if it was directed at H, inspired by him, if he even saw it. But I just got into this pattern of thinking that if he's grieving for me, he doesn't have to. I'm right here, willing to move forward. Yes, we'll have to move forward but there's just no good reason that we need to not be apart of eachother's lives.
I guess that's what bothers me. Sure, we had problems in our relationship but none of them were good enough reasons for this. I have to keep reminding myself that he was unhappy, for whatever the reasons, most of which had nothing to do with our R. and as much as I want to, I'm a fixer after all, I can't fix that. I guess that's the 180 for me there. Not fixing it. Not trying to fix it, letting him figure out his own way.
Fear: more of my fears coming up. Fear that he will find his happiness and decide that I'm not a part of it. Fear that he won't and will still never come around. He kept telling me "I have to see if I can be happy without you." I tried to ask him if that should really be the question, shouldn't it be can he be happy with me? (before the whole DBing starting, this was on d-day). So I dunno. I guess maybe it's easier to drop the rope if I just accept that it's over. As is the topic of discussion on another thread, why am I the one fighting when what I did wrong pales in comparison. But whenever I think about it truly being over and never seeing him again, I go straight into panic mode (yep, that rope is clutched tight). I'm good at supressing panic mode but still. I want him in my life. I chose him for a reason. I didn't jump into this blindly, I'll do the work.
But damnit, I just really want him to chose me. To fight for me like he used to.

[TimR]

Hey you changed you name oh Sparkly one!

Don't read too much into quotes people post on social media. My MIL for all her bad quotes about me, most are way off the mark from what the sitch was. I think people do not put in the time to find something that truly fits and just through anything they want up, which then drives up crazy trying to figure out what they meant. I also think people tend to post things to get at us or make us feel better whatever the case may be. My MIL actually put a post up about cheating c'mon now, unless she was attacking her daughter with that post, she knows I was not the cheater in the relationship.

You keep being you Sparkles which a great person with a big heart! Btw, hope you had fun with your friends today.

[Sparkls]

It's been an interesting day just in terms of my own mind. Less saddness, more introspection.
I spent the hour long walk with my dogs thinking about gratitude and how that's something I think I forget to do. I've been better about it lately, but as I near the end of my med school journey, there are people who helped me get here who I can't show appreciation to the way I'd like ( H for one. and H's mother. She let me live in her home when my own family wouldn't and I was not exactly a good house guest to her. I'd like to thank her truly for doing that but I fear it'll come across as trying to manipulate her to being on "my side" and convince H to come back. And then I question whether there isn't a small grain of that in this.)
I've spent a lot of time figuring out what letting go would look like and feel like. To really be ready to move on. To still hope that he comes back but to be okay with whatever the result and really have no expectations about it. I haven't come to any grand conclusions. I think some of it will come with me really being able to start planning my own future after match day next week.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about control, because it's an area that I have a really hard time with personally. I'm a bit of a control freak. It was one of the things that I think set the stage for some of our problems. When my mom died, I freaked out at the complete loss of control over the whole situation and started controlling more the things I thought I could (H).
I'm spending time thinking about the areas that I've given up control and been okay. Match day for example. I have zero control over where I end up at this point. It's out of my hands. And that doesn't bother me.
But the same could be said for H and yet, I still have this illusion of control. Letting go will be really well and truly letting go of this desire to try and influence the outcome. This is really hard for me as I've always believed if you want something, you work for it. And this has been a pretty successful practice in my life. But I'm a bit more lost on what "working" for my R or lack there of means. I guess that's what I"m doing now, looking at myself.
I can only hope that H asking about my counseling was his was of checking in on possible changes in me. I wonder if I should've been more forthcoming. Given the mood, I think not.

And I wonder if tough love is the right way to go with H. I've spent so much time analyzing the few conversations we had after D-day and the total lack of communication since that I've convinced myself maybe he's more of a walk away than a wayward. But he's living with OW. And if tough love is the way, should I be the one to change the facebook status (I won't block him or anything), my way of showing I'm letting go. The main reason I haven't: fear. Fear that that'll be me giving him "permission" to go. That he'll take it as me saying I'm no longer interested in any sort of R. Fear of not knowing. Of all of my emotions through this, fear is the hardest for me personally to overcome.

[TimR]

Oh boy Sparkls I feel the exact same as you I could have written this post myself. Like you, I have a history of if I want something I work for it. If I don't get it and I really want it, I work harder for it. I do not give up and if that something I want is important enough I am absolutely tenacious and will move heaven and earth to get it. That is how we got to where we are. We grind thinks out, like water carving out the grand canyon.

Now we are told if you want any hope (no guarantees) of getting our WS back we have to detach and work on us. WHAT??? and we panic. Cause that is a work we do not know. I swear today I have been on the verge of a panic attack because I feel I am sitting her not doing anything to WORK on WW. I want to go to her house and hold a radio over my head playing love songs. I can do that because it is action. I do not know how to do inaction.

Someone will jump on here and say GALing, 180s and detaching are actions but not in our sense of life. Working on me is more wait and see, IMO.

Having said that sparkls, maybe it is us and people like us, that can gain more from process because we it is so not us. Maybe our WS will more quickly recognize our changes because it is so not us. IDK but what I do know is this is the hardest work I have ever done!

As far as FB I would not change your status. My plan is while I know it will kill me when I find out she did, I will not change my status until there is actually a D. If I were you I would not do it until you are ready to just set down the bags of bricks and keep on walking. IMHO.

[Sparkls]

The other hard part for me is there talk of doing what you did to attract them in the first place. When we first starting seeing each other, I lived 2000 miles away and he just kept saying he couldn't do a relationship right now. I kept talking, kept saying I wanted it, and that I knew what i was getting myself into. He didn't want to drag anyone else into his world at the time, but I walked in anyway with my flashlight.
That's how I won him over in the beginning. Because of my tenacity. But that won't work right now? I can show tenacity and spunk in other ways, but it feels foreign. It feels like inaction when faced against adversity. All of this "work on yourself." I have some problems (depression being the biggest one) but I've never been unhappy with who I am. So when the advice is change for yourself, part of me says "but, I already kind of like who I am." I'm kind, big hearted, but I work hard and fight for what I want and believe is right. Negatives: I'm stubborn, I judge myself too critically, I let what other people say bother me more than I want. But my biggest problem right now is that I"m just scared of everything. Scared of losing H, scared of him coming back, scared of moving, scared of staying. I don't know how to get over the fear. I've got some great things coming up but I can't seem to muster any excitement for them. or it's incredibly fleeting.

Even the FB thing is trying to overcome a fear. If I remove it first, I don't have to deal with if/when he does it.