Too Much Time Is Passing By

[broke]

Hope - I'm so glad you went out yesterday and are going out again tonight. Good GALing! That's really great.

I'm also wondering what my H is up to tonight on a Saturday. My guess is probably with the OW three hours away. Sparks and Tim posted about this on his thread tonight. Just must be something in the air about tonight. We all seem to be missing them and want to know what they are doing and why they don't miss us.

Anyway, just wanted to weigh in on taking off your rings. I wish I never would've done that. I miss them and I feel like it's another way to stand for your marriage. Sounds silly I know but I thunk it's sends a subtle message to yourself, spouse and others. But that's up to you. I just know I should've waited until the ad was final.

Enjoy your evening! I I hope you have a wonderful time!

[ciluzen]

Thank you Thornton and Tim for your support and always knowing the right thing to say to make gal feel ok.

Went to the gym and coffee shop today and GAL'd last night. Did some karaoke with old boss and some old coworkers and I'm very proud of myself that I put on a smile and felt good just to take a mental break for a few hours. I was so tired from not getting sleep the night before but I went out anyway bc I just didn't want to be home. I was also a bit irresponsible, bought myself a few items b/c I just wanted to treat myself but I feel bad bc of all the stuff I have to take care of...


This is also GAL! You deserve to treat yourself and feel good about the little splurges. Treat yourself like you love yourself...because you need to love yourself to get through this.


A friend invited me to a show tonight so going to go there. But it is Saturday and I wonder if H is just sitting alone in the room he rents a few blocks down and working (as he says this is all he does and he doesn't go out), or if he is out with "our" friends or with another woman. I haven't heard from him since I saw him even though he "said" he wasn't going to go dark like that anymore and didn't want me to feel abandoned. Even though he knows I've been very sick- still silence. But I'm pressing on.

Don't believe everything they say. No expectations. His head is not on right and he still isn't sure what he wants (back to Sandi's rules). My H has told me that all he does is work and sleep (and ski on weekends). I, too, almost take comfort in that as it seems to be a miserable existence and I want it to mean he'll miss me. But I also don't know if I believe it because he was such a social person. If I believe it I get hopeful, hopefulness leads to expectations, expectations get dashed, despair moves in. Better to stick to not caring what H does when he's not with you. You have no control over that. Focus on you and rock that like I know you can.

I keep running into ppl or hearing about ppl who are recently engaged, married or pregnant and my heart just sinks bc of the state of my life right now. Wondering if I should not wear my rings bc I look like a delusional fool.

You can do whatever you want. If someone thinks you look like a delusional fool, let them think that. Is it going to matter one iota to THEM that YOU think their awesome new haircut is horrendous or their jeans make them look like a pear wearing a rubber band? No. You do you and to heck with what they think. They aren't living your life. Its all you and your choices right now. What, within your control, will make you happier today?

[HopeRB]

Thanks broke and ciluzen for weighing in on the rings sitch - I didn't wear them while in church and felt a bit weird, so I put them back on. Had a good time last night at the show and a few too many stouts - woke up this morning a bit out of it but overall, I'd say a good "GAL" night.

Went to church, then the coffee shop, then my friend came over for a bit so I could help her with something and now on my way to another state via Amtrak for a few days to do some work for the company I freelance for. I enjoy these little trips b/c it gives me a chance to get away from the stress of the city on someone else's dime...a nice little vacay of sorts.

My SIL called me a little while ago to see how I was doing and gave my a few updates on H. Apparently he is very sad and says he's lonely but I love my BIL b/c H isn't getting any sympathy from that camp whatsoever. BIL tells him he did this to himself and that he has some nerve to think someone should feel sorry for him when his W is at home experiencing it tenfold. H apparently gets upset b/c he feels like all everyone is concerned with are my feelings and no one cares about his feelings but uhm hellloooo?! He's the one that left. So it seems H is getting very little sympathy from folks. I thinks its crazy that H is very aware of himself and the way he's handled things but doesn't seem to care or want to know how to fix it.

On another note, there seems to be a big concern on my side of the family for my mental health. I spoke to my dad who told me I seem stuck and I need to move on b/c obviously H is moving on. I told him how can he say that I'm stuck when he has no clue whats going on and how I'm feeling b/c I've stopped sharing details with folks. He says thats the thing - you dont tell anyone anything and take advice from ppl with wisdom. It's funny b/c I actually do hear and digest everything everyone has said to me but they're not me and they chose to handle their M's differently than I am. And while I value and consider their opinions, I don't think I've ever asked for them. And when I did, I took what I needed from the interaction and kept it moving. My dad thinks its about me not wanting to hear the truth but I'm aware of the truth. He says he wants to protect me and I get that also but I told him I have no desire to keep hearing the same unsolicited advice over and over again and to just let me reconcile my own emotions in my own time and my own way. Its amazing how they think I can just shut my emotions off as if this thing were mutual. It's not mutual and I miss my husband terribly.

[Vanilla]

I found a lovely sapphire ring and I wear it on my ring finger. I stand for M, not for WH, not R with WH but for M.

I do not want to date and I am not D. I am not wearing my M ring and I wear another of my choice.

I will not date until my D is being processed.

V

[broke]

Hope,

My mother told me, no actually yelled at me, on New Year's Day that I needed to move forward and get over it. It was heart breaking, but your family and friends just can't stand to see you hurting. They think by telling us to move forward that you just can….you can stop hurting and just let go. No one understands unless they have been through this before. But, only you can decide when it is time to give up hope. Only you can decide when you want to move forward. You are choosing to stand for your M right now. Everyone keeps saying that we will know when it is time to drop the rope….I choose to believe in that.

I am glad your in-laws are being supportive of you. After 25 years being part of their family, my in-laws miss me, but they haven't stood up for me (and my family). So, it makes me happy to hear that they are telling your H the truth about what he has done. I hope it helps your sitch.

Keep doing what you are doing! Stay strong and enjoy your time out of the city!

[broke]

I found a lovely sapphire ring and I wear it on my ring finger. I stand for M, not for WH, not R with WH but for M.

I do not want to date and I am not D. I am not wearing my M ring and I wear another of my choice.

I will not date until my D is being processed.

V

Sorry to hijack, Hope, but I absolutely love this idea, Vanilla. I am going to get a simple ring tomorrow and do the same. What a wonderful tribute to marriage!

[HopeRB]

Thanks broke and Vanilla.

Just putting my thoughts out here. My mind keeps going back to how H is just ok with all of this and how he can just remove me, someone he has spent the last 9 years with day in and day out, through everything. Its just so easy for him to turn away from a person who still loves him and wants to make it work. It's like he sees no value in us or me. All I ask is that he honor what we've had together and try. I'm confused but not sad right this second. Moreso just trying to figure it out which I'm told I never will. And that's scary.

[Sparkls]

Ditto babe, ditto. A few years ago, he would've metaphorically killed a man if he tried to take me away from him and now, this.

Saying I love you every single day up until d-day. Sleeping together every night. Talking every single day.
Now: nothing. Radio silence.

You read on other silly "how to get your ex back" websites and they talk about NC and make it sound like OH! He'll be texting you like crazy if you just don't talk to him.

If only.
"If only if only the woodpecker cried
the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky.
The wolf waits below,
hungry and lonely
and sings to the moon
If only, if only."

I dunno if there's any wisdom in that. but it's in my head now.

[TimR]

I think friends and family hurt knowing we hurt, so I think they tell us their logic dictates. You hurt because of WS. I hurt because you hurt. You stop loving WS and you no longer hurt. You no longer hurt I no longer hurt.

My mother who was the cheater in the M actually told me WW is bad news and you got to get away from her. She will come crawling back sometime and you cannot take her back. UH mom you did the same thing and you expect people should treat you with dignity and respect. I am sure even after so many years if she thought my dad had any inkling of forgiveness she would be up there tomorrow. My friends say the same thing, you need to get over the b!tch. Well if only it was that easy.

Truth is no one but us are in our sitchs. We all may have similar sitchs, but only we know our hearts. Some of us will move on sooner that others, some of us hopefully will reconcile and some will pine away for years and years. But we are all different and the great thing about you all is that you all just listen (well read) and support.

[NYGal]

Truth is no one but us are in our sitchs. We all may have similar sitchs, but only we know our hearts.

I so agree with this. Sometimes other people just want us to be happy so they don't have to worry about us, and they think the only way to be happy is to move on. We are exactly where we need to be. It's important to not let anyone talk you into doing something you don't want to do, and to rest assured that you know your own mind AND your R better than anyone else.

And as far as H moving on? Sounds like he's miserable. That's not moving on at all. That's confusion. That's weighing choices, and being unhappy with the ones he's made so far.

Hang in there!