Quick rundown: Boyfriend and I had open relationship. I asked to end it when my mom got sick and died of cancer. He decided that he didn't feel like doing that. Got the ILYBNIWY speech early Feb. Found a post by OW a few days later. He admitted to PA/EA for 9 months. Said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. "When I'm with you, I want to be alone. When I'm alone, I want to be with her." Then I don't love you, I never loved you blah blah. I left to stay with friends for a few days. Found out he had OW at my home. I kicked him out on V-day. He is staying with OW and OW's best friend and best friends' 3 kids. We have been largely NC with the exception of arranging him picking up more of his things. I would like to try and work things out but he's telling his friends he's done. I'm trying to be patient, give time for the affair to die and him to realize what he's lost but it's a daily strugggle-bus. I miss him. I miss my life. But I'll be okay.
Seems like it's been more down days than up this week. Day by day, it gets closer to Match day and graduation, both things I'd really like him there for. I've been thinking about what happens if he moves to CO. (no expectations, just thinking about possibilities). If he goes there alone (without OW), then I'm fairly sure they'll be over, as she's just too emotionally needy to do long distance. He'll be around healthy people and can get his life back on track. And maybe that'll lead back to me. Or he'll still be miserable, realize it wasn't all my fault, and maybe come back to me. Or he'll be so happy in his new life, he'll just completely move on from me. Or some other option I haven't thought of. I'm scared that he'll go, but I can also see the upsides to it. PA has not been good for him or for us. We did the long distance thing for 3 years, so I know that if it came down to it, we could do it again for a little while. But rebuilding trust after the A long distance will be exponentially harder. I really wonder with the logical side of my brain if it's even worth it. My heart screams yes, but hearts are stupid, arent' they? Should I just be shoving it in a corner and telling it too f*king bad? That's certainly what everyone in my life things I should do. After all this man has done to me, does he even deserve my devotion anymore? We weren't married, no kids. Just a heck of a lot of history and memories together. Is that enough?
Side note: Everyone keeps talking about detaching. Are there any resources people have found helpful? or is it just a day by day thing?
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
