I was able to string two decent days together, that's a first since bomb.
Today I hit the gym, got my haircut, and did some grocery shopping.
I still miss W like crazy but I'm starting to realize that she just doesn't feel the same way about me. I still feel a little robbed by her. Like all of this lovey dovey stuff from her was just lip service as we were planning our future together.
I'm starting to think about the type of woman I want in my life (I am no where near ready to date) and it's fun to think about being with someone that values the same things as I do.
W and I had intimacy issues. In the beginning, she was very affectionate but once we started living together, her sex drive plummeted. It didn't make sense to me, I'm a fit guy, I eat healthy and I've never had a problem attracting women. I know intimacy for women is much more than that. But it's almost like a switch went off for her.
Ironically, she told me her previous boyfriends complained of the same thing. Another red flag I chose to ignore.
Honestly, I don't know if W is capable of a healthy, intimate relationship with anyone. Sure, she may meet some nice guy. But I think he will eventually meet the same fate I did once he starts to expect more from the relationship than she is able to give.
One thing that has helped me, is gratitude. I pray every night and I thank God for everything I do have. That seems to have shifted my mindset some. It doesn't erase the pain, but it does shift things.
I titled my thread after a song that W used to tell me reminded her of me - God Bless the broken road that led me straight to you. I miss that W, but I don't think she is there anymore.
In any case, this is my broken road. And I know eventually it will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.
I must be doing some sort of medieval self-torture on myself b/c I listen to a few songs that have a direct line to H when I'm running and working out at the gym, songs he told me he likes while we've been S! Of course, there are some songs (and tv shows for that matter) I can't go near but as for the others, only when I'm feeling strong.
Thornton, I'm agreeing with everything you've just said. I realize H may not feel the same way about me and there's nothing I can do about that, which is a bit unfortunate as he used to refer to me as his "Queen." Now I'm more like one of the peasants in his court...haha I don't know whats with me and these medieval references, very strange.
And like you, I'm in no way, shape or form ready to think about giving all this to another man but I do find my mind thinking about qualities/elements I want in my next R, with our without H. And like you, I sometimes wonder if H is even capable of having an intimate relationship with another human being.
And I have to agree most of all with the power of prayer and how it can completely renew and reset your mind. I am so thankful that I was able to receive that b/c I don't know where'd I'd be if my mind and heart weren't fixed on God. Seriously, not to get all preachy but I scare myself sometimes on how peaceful my countenance and spirit can be at times. And when it's not, those are the moments I have to remind myself to be even more grateful and patient and to trust.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
One thing that has helped me, is gratitude. I pray every night and I thank God for everything I do have. That seems to have shifted my mindset some. It doesn't erase the pain, but it does shift things.
This is the way Thornton. This is how you build the life you're living moving forward. It certainly doesn't erase the pain but it definitely gives you something else to focus on. I've found the more time I spend actively being grateful, the less and less I think of my W. Couple that with the the more time I spend actively being grateful the better the time is when I'm not thinking about her.
It's a double win. I know you've got a road ahead of you my friend. Pave it one grateful brick at a time and it will lead you somewhere brilliant. I'm sure of it.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I am so happy that you were able to have two days in a row where you felt better. That is such a great step in the right direction. And, as always, your attitude is so great. You are so good at being introspective about yourself and your relationship. I think your future relationships will truly benefit from all the work you are doing right now.
I agree with you about gratitude and praying - I can't imagine going along this journey without a strong faith in God and reflecting on how much I have to be grateful for. A friend recommended a gratitude journal which I highly recommend. It reminds me that even in all this darkness that I have much to be grateful for.
I hope you can add another day in the right direction tomorrow, Thornton. You deserve happiness.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Sounds great Thornton. Not only did you make it two days but two weekend days! I am no where as far in my growth as you, but I do think of dating in the future and what qualities I want. Unfortunately, I transpose them on WW. I just want to love my WW and want her to love me? Despite every thing she has done, the pain she has caused me, and the scars she has left me with, I am still holding tight to that rope.
Having said that I had a good day too.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I'm not naïve enough to think that I'm over the hump because I know some rough days are still ahead. But it's nice to have a taste of the detachment that everyone here talks about. It allows you to catch your breath a little bit.
Don't get me wrong, I still love that woman. I wish I didn't, but she still has my heart.
I truly think complete and total NC has been what's helped me. I don't snoop, at all. I could easily google her name and see a ton of pictures. W is a Facebook junkie and takes lots and lots of pics when she is out. In fact, that's something that used to bother me when we were together. She was always so concerned with FB.
And if she has OM, I don't want to know about it. It doesn't change my game plan and will only serve to hurt me and cause me to obsess. I sometimes worry about her having OM, but haven't heard or seen anything to the contrary.
So.. I'll keep moving. I'll keep pushing forward. I'm pushing my comfort zone and initiating more conversations with strangers. Most people are pretty receptive so it's nice to chat with someone new.
My focus lately has been the gym and eating right. I'm eating lots of chicken breasts, egg whites, protein powder, brown rice and sweet potatoes and healthy fats like avocadoes and nuts.
I've always been a gym junkie and eaten healthy, but I'm going to really try and push past my limits. It's gives me something to obsess about instead of W.
Yeah that still in love thing is murder to us all. While time will help us with it, I don't know how much time that is. If we could just shut it off that would be so much easier. If someone could come and pull us out of this pain that would be great too. However, the only one who could pull us out of this pain is the one who doesn't want to. We just gotta keep GALing and be the men only a fool could walk away from and you Sir are a man only a fool could leave.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Decent weekend. I was able to avoid falling into the depression and obsession trap that I'm accustomed to.
Today I'm feeling a little melancholy. Driving in to work, I pass by a lot of places that W and I used to go to together. It brings back a lot of fond memories for me. I still miss those times. I still miss that W.
I'll be stopping by our house tonight after work to grab some things and I have a little anxiety about what it will look like, haven't been there in a week. I think it's safe to assume that she has grabbed a lot more of her things, if so, that will sting for sure.
I'm looking forward to IC tonight, I always feel a little better afterwards.
