Now, the real work begins...Part III

[AU Bob]

That's a great analogy about the rope TimR it explains it perfectly.

[daybyday]

Good deal Broke. I love this time of year for hoops. I hope your "shift" holds fast. Keep it up.

[HopeRB]

Sounds like you're doing one heck of a job out there today, broke. Keep going!

i am not consistent with my conversations with coach, but I do feel like she is a help.

What she says is often different then what the board say. I am torn between little contact, and trying to be a friend (I think he views as pursual)

I'm the same way as JujuB: my sessions aren't always consistent but we do talk, I definitely walk away a little more enlightened about the inner workings and nuances of the DB principles and how they apply to my specific sitch, along some actionable steps. But like Juju, I also find myself torn between the NC versus what DB coach suggests of trying to be like "an old friend." It seems my H also views me being nice/affirming as pursuing. So does that mean I should just be a b**** to him? I'm so nit that woman anymore. Just had a funny thought that back in the day when I was b**** to him, he seemed to be head over heels with me...something to think about lol.

[broke]

Thank you for the positive feedback. It was a great day with my boys - it really was.

Tim - I think your analogy of the rope is great. I don't think I am that close to being at the end of my rope yet (in this particular case :-). But, I do feel like I am starting to understand what it will look like if we get divorced and I know that I can do it. Do I want to do it without H? Not yet.

Hope - I appreciate you weighing in on the DB coach. I may try it because "being friends' is the hardest line I am walking because I do have to interact with him about the kids. Interestingly enough, my H also seemed to be more in love with me when I wasn't the stay-at-home mom that put the kids and him before myself. When I was more selfish he seemed to be more interested in me. It's all so complicated isn't it?!

[Thornton]

I'm so glad you had a good time with the boys.

I hope you were able to take a step back from your sitch and allow yourself to just enjoy the moment. You can always worry about H later.

It's interesting that when you had your own life, H was seemingly more attracted to you. I'm assuming you gave off a confident vibe and that was attractive to him.

Think about those times when he tended to chase you. How were you different than you are now? Do you notice any differences?

Is there anything you can do to bring some of the old Broke, back?

[broke]

Thornton,

Thanks for checking in. I was a "professional" before I had the kids. Then we decided that I'd stay home. My H even discouraged me from going back to work, so I went back to school and got my Masters in Education. I think before I was motivated to learn and move myself forward. When the boys came along, I was happy to make them the center of my universe (but that took a toll on my M I can see now). I think my H no longer respected me as a stay at home mom. The OW is basically a "blond" me 10 years younger back when I was in finance. Similar personality from what I'm told.

I've made tons of changes in the last 7 months to get back to focusing on me and what I want out of my life, especially since the kids are headed to college in 3-5 years. But, H doesn't really see it because of the detaching. He seems pretty content with NC. He's busy with the OW I think. So busy, in fact, he didn't text or contact his children for 3 days. Finally, he reached out this morning. So, I've got to do what's best for me and my sons whether he comes out of the affair fog or not.

If I'm being honest, my H never really made his family a priority. I shouldn't be surprised that he went 3 days without communicating with the kids. His first OW was his job and chasing success. And, right now, when the kids try to talk to him about the D, he brushes them off. It's just frustrating to watch him be so selfish when the boys are hurting so much.

But, today is a new day. The weekend was good unless I try to figure out what the H was up to. So, instead I'm going to focus on me and my kids. There's still much to be grateful for.

[TimR]

Its good to hear you moving forward. I can't express horrible I find it that your H is ignoring the boys. Here I am sitting missing my steps all weekend wishing I could just spend an hour with them, while other guys are ignoring their kids, WTF. I text S13 everyday. I always text him to tell him I love him at bedtime. I can understand leaving your S, I do not agree with it, but I get some people are always trying to find something better. How can you just leave your kids, though?? ARGH!

I love that you are getting back out as a professional. That is true GALing and 180s. Yes the gym is good, groups and get togethers are good but getting back into the work force is so much more.

Keep up the great work, Broke.

[Thornton]

You have a great outlook, Broke.

Who knows what H is thinking or even if he is with OW. Hell, he could be working the tilt-a-whirl ride at the carnival and traveling as a carnie.

I know it's hard, but it doesn't matter what H is doing. Because that's his life and yours is yours. Make your life your focus, make it beautiful. If H wants to eventually tag along, great. If not, you'll have done the work to succeed at whatever avenue you do take.

Yes, there is so much to be grateful for. One thing I'm grateful for is you, Broke. I'm not kidding. I truly value your support and your friendship.

Everything is going to be ok.

[broke]

Tim - I haven't headed too far back into professional world. I am only substitute teaching because I still take the boys to and from their private schools. So, I am studying for the teaching tests when I am not working. I am also meeting with a friend to decide if I should get back into finance (more money) or do teaching full-time (more rewarding)

Yes, when I read your posts about S13 it makes me so sad that my H doesn't prioritize his own sons the way you want to fight for your stepsons. It is heartbreaking that he selfishly puts his needs before theirs especially when they are devastated by this divorce.

Thornton,

I am so grateful for you, too. Probably first time I've had happy tears in a long time! You are right - who knows what H is doing. I need to make sure my focus is on me and my boys. It helps having the reminder that mind-reading is useless. Just tough not to do it!

As always, thanks for being part of my DB team. Couldn't do it without all the folks on this board!

[broke]

So, I got a text from H this morning (first one in a week I think).

He was offering to help me get tickets to a sporting event that S12 is dying to go to. I responded "I appreciate you thinking of us. However I already purchased seats. On another note I hope it is okay that you pick up S15 from his counselor's office today instead of home to get him to his activity tonight"

He just texted back that he bought 2 at face value that we could use that are better seats (and cheaper) than what I had purchased. Do I respond that I will take them?

By the way, I know this looks really nice of him, but he has been doing things like this the whole time he was cheating. He has taken the "nice guy" route as he was sleeping with his co-worker. Buying me things, etc. So, I don't think this is anything more than his guilt talking.