Still moving in a new direction

[Sotto]

Yes, the whole anger and snappiness with others resonated with me too.

My H was always pretty easygoing, but I do notice an intolerance and irritation with people and situations now. He is sounding pretty irritated with our house non-sale and the feedback from viewers, which he calls stupid. He says his new job is a bit of a cr@ppy one (he earns well into six figures!!!) - Stuff like that.

I think it's this 'I'm not that happy with life and I'm going to put that onto others' mentality. It's the opposite of practicing gratitude I think.

xx

[job]

They do tend to have short tempers and can explore at a moment's notice. Why? Because things aren't going along as they think they should be...never mind that most of the time, they are the ones that made the mess to begin with. It's everyone's fault and not there. Amazon is very good about shipping, but they can't send Santa or the Easter Bunny out to drop the package off within a day. Problem is...time, time gets away from them and they don't realize that the special data is right there in front of them. They don't plan ahead because everything is spur of the moment.

I agree, I think your h wanted you and your son to call mommy dearest and make up and this was the way to do it. However, I'm glad your son called and thanked them...but, I'm also glad he didn't have to speak to her. He doesn't need that crazy making in his life right now.

I think you are doing a wonderful job of handling your situation. Your h has got a lot of baking to do before he'll come out of the MLC oven.

[mleigh4]

The anger issue, you all seem to see the same behavior and think of it the same. It is so strange because H was not like this. He was always very quiet and calm. In fact it was ME that would have occasional tantrums and him who would say it's no big deal. What I am seeing is a very, I demand to be treated right attitude, it is always everyone else's fault. No mistakes are allowed, meanwhile, he is occasionally the cause of the problem in the first place....

For example, with his work reimbursement, he did not turn in the forms properly. He said there was some email he never got or saw going over the new procedures....but he still took it out on the girl who issues the checks....

Oh, that reminds me, my friend did finally come across H office in the building. She saw his nameplate but has yet to see him.

When I dropped off S yesterday, H told me, I am so mad! I told him not to worry, that S will like his gift whether he gets it today or Monday. I reminded him, you know S, he is so easy going about this stuff. I told him it's not worth the stress. He went on to tell me the whole story, what Amazon told him as the reason, which actually brought out a big laugh in me that caused H to laugh about it too. In the end, he ended up getting free tax and free Amazon Prime for a month. His answer to them, is that all I get? SMH.

Job, the time issue really blows me away. H has absolutely no sense of time or time management. These battles in the last couple of days have affected time with his son....being almost late to the movies and not being able to pick him up yesterday....it's so silly to me.

I am glad I can see it is all part of the scrambled egg brain process, it keeps me from getting irritated or angry with him. Especially helps that it seems to be a pattern you all see too.

So Job, here comes my crystal ball question for you. Have you seen the MLC'er get to a point where they start looking in and seeing they are behind the chaos they are causing? Does that become part of the waking up process at the end?

[mleigh4]

Ok. I am going to ask your take on TM I just got from H. I honestly don't know what to say to him, I don't experience these situations with S, or possibly, don't react the way H does? I don't know if this is just anger playing out with S as it is with everyone else.....

"Well, I feel like a dummy for trying so hard to get S present. It came, he opened it and was excited. I said read the instructions and see what it will do. (BTW, it is a Minecraft game band. It's a bracelet band that saves the game so he is able to connect it and play on any computer. Honestly, I was surprised H got this, being so anti-game) He didn't want to take the time to read the instructions because he was in the middle of playing a game...I said....you have to do certain things for it to work and I don't understand all the Mine craft worlds and servers. He just said that he doesn't play minecraft on anything but his computer. I asked if he wanted me to return it? He got up and started playing his game again!!! If you don't see how lazy, spoiled and rude that reaction is, then that is an issue we will need to bring up at the session. The games he plays is all that he cares about and would rather not have a gift then read the instructions on how to use it. It takes him away from a game for too long! I am so disappointed and hurt by what just happened. There's not much that makes him happy unless it involves actually playing a game. That really makes me sad. He sees that I was hurt by his reaction and hes acting like he could care less...Needless to say I am returning his gift."

He just added...

"Things are going to change for him when hes here as far as game time, chores and being outside for at least a little while. I have to at least teach him some responsibility and to appreciate something other than an electronic screen. Even if he thinks I'm being mean, which I don't expect him to understand or like...I would rather him see me as the strict parent than grow up with this attitude and no sense of responsibility."

"I have not responded but am thinking something like, I am sorry this happened, definitely something to talk about at the session." And that is it! Not getting sucked back into a fight with him.

I see H point, I do understand he is hurt, but what 9 year old wants to be given a set of instructions to read? I would have read them together with him...IDK. I want your honest opinion, is S just being a normal kid and H making a mountain out of a molehill? Sounds like S is being disrespectful for sure, but that is something between S and H to work out as I am no longer around when this stuff happens....

Is this really caused by me not having S do a bunch of chores? What exactly does H want from me??? S and I get along just fine, however, I do not throw many demands at him...

Your thoughts please???

[job]

What kid, at your son's age, is going to sit down and read instructions? I don't know of many. Listen, your s is at that age where the games are the big thing. I know I was concerned about my nephew being "hooked" on the gaming at that age, but he outgrew it. Instead of television, it's the gaming. Your h doesn't understand this gaming stuff because he didn't grow up doing it, in fact, he's probably too old to remember that the television was the thing and yes, Atari, were the thing back in the 60's, 70's and 80's. I don't see where it's a huge worry at this point that he needs to make an issue of it.

As the parent, he should have sat down w/your son and gone over the directions w/him. Sorry your h's feelings are hut, but I wouldn't send the gift back because that's like punishing your s for not doing what your h expected him to do.

Again, I would just text back and say "H, I'm sorry things aren't working out the way that you had hoped, but again, this is something that should be discussed in the counseling session". Cut him off w/his complaints.

I swear, he sounds like mommy dearest. He best be careful how he handles this new parenting style or your s may not want to go there and then your h will have some real issues to deal with.

No, you aren't the cause of this issue. It's funny he really didn't start up big time on this until mommy dearest got her britches in a twist. Your s is young and I certainly don't want to see him have bogged down w/chores that aren't necessary. I wouldn't pay your h no mind, but be prepared w/your list when you go to the counseling session.

[job]

To answer the questions you asked:

So Job, here comes my crystal ball question for you. Have you seen the MLC'er get to a point where they start looking in and seeing they are behind the chaos they are causing? Does that become part of the waking up process at the end?

Eventually, some of them will look within and recognize the chaos they've created...but that's a long way down the road for your h.

I think your h is just starting to get truly disenchanted w/everything and his impatience w/people and life are starting to play out. Just look at how he is complaining about your son...you may not have seen a lot of anger from your h in the beginning, but I think it's starting to come to the surface now because of the way he's acting. As long as things go his way on the highway, he's happy, but when things aren't going his way, that anger is going to show and right now....it's simmering.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job. I agree, it seems H is just now seeing, after being a year on his own, that things are not going quite as planned. At least he sure is not acting like he is in a very happy place! Well, at least I know he is progressing on his journey, just PAINFULLY slow.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond. I am scared to even reply to him, but won't ignore it either. I will say what we planned and keep it short.

The gaming is a big issue, but I honestly don't know what else H expects him to do? No sports interest S yet, he doesn't want to play outside by himself.... my question is this, would it be ok if S was addicted to playing an instrument? Reading books? Building things with wood or metal blocks? Well, instead, he is building and creating, problem solving, on a computer. These are not mindless games. It takes a lot of planning and thinking. However, I do agree that taking a break, being social, and getting outside with nature is a balance you need with any hobby, and I do encourage that with our son and have some things planned on our upcoming weekends, including a picnic and hike, and a trip to see a show at the planetarium.

I hope our counseling helps us.

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh, I don't know if this helps at all, but SS is also a bit of a techie - loves screen stuff, not keen on exercise. We did a few things that really seemed to help with respect to his time on the screen. We limited to a couple of hours a day - and just an hour at a time. This didn't include watching a movie, it was just gaming (Minecraft mostly) time. Also, we sat down with SS and came up with a list of a dozen things that he loved to do with us at home and a dozen things he liked to do by himself at home.

If ever he came off the screen and was looking a bit forlorn, we'd suggest he'd have a look at his list and choose what he wanted to do. I can recall the list included things like - playing with my Lego, Nerf wars, building my train set, reading etc. It seemed to work pretty well.

Hope this helps xx

[HaWho]

Well, Minecraft is 3-D Legos. It is creative and vastly different from most other video games. But, like you, I personally don't want my kids sitting in front of screens for too long. I worry about their eyes, exercise, socialization, etc. But, computer programming/game design/app development it is a very viable career. And this is how it starts. So, in the end you have no idea if this is where your son will land, career wise.

Minecraft also has a social element to it. Many kids are getting together and making their own videos and posting them to YouTube. Really, this takes a lot of collaboration and team work. They learn a lot from others doing this. Maybe your h should have your s have a friend over?

Will your son be coming to the counseling with you guys? I wonder what his take on his father is. Kids are perceptive.

I see your husband's expectations of your son as unrealistic. Hopefully the family counselor will understand basic child development and assist your h a bit. This is not a 100 years ago in agrarian times. He has just turned 9! I am very curious to see what chores your h expects a 9 year old to do.

As for the present, your son was polite upon receipt of the gift. That's good! But maybe he didn't really like it? What should one do when one receives a gift he does not truly love? You say thank you and you're appreciative for the thought. Is your son a bad boy because he didn't like his gift? Hasn't your h received gifts he did not really like? Does that make him spoiled? With a 9 year old it is probably best to ask for gift ideas. I don't think your son did anything wrong! He is 9!! He was gracious so, he did well.

I agree with Job that your MIL is the puppeteer here. My advice is have your h voice all his concerns to the counselor and hopefully he/she will try to steer his expectations. I hope he does not come down like an anvil on your son because he will lose his relationship with him. Hopefully the counselor can help here.

If it were me, I would try to use the counselor as a mediator to find some common ground on realistic chores, realistic boundaries on video game play, etc. I would probably ask a bit about the line between nurturing individuality vs. teaching responsibility. I think your h needs help with all these concepts. I do believe a good amount of time should be spent on boundaries with in-laws.

Honestly, Mleigh your h is very fortunate. He has "white collar" parenting "issues." I would recommend asking him to go to a nearby Children's Hosptital facility (like one where people with real problems go) and just sit in the lobby for 1/2 hour. There are FAR graver problems to have. Your h lacks perspective.

[mleigh4]

Sotto, thank you for those ideas. I like the option of letting him play for a certain time, then take a break. I also like the idea of making a list of things he likes to do, and having him go to it when be gets bored.

Hawho, can you sit down and have a chat with my H? Because you are voicing every single thing on my mind about this. S dappled with posting youtube videos with a friend, but I actually said no because I felt weird about it, having his voice "out there" lol. However, he plays another game, geometry dash, where he creates "levels" that get posted, played and rated by people. You should see what is involved in creating these levels. This is no child's play stuff! Thank you for acknowledging that. He also plays Mine craft online and meets up with regulars to play.

The counseling is just for H and I. I plan on being a bit quiet at first, to let H voice all his concerns. Like you said, he is so lucky the only problem with S right now is gaming. We are talking good health, good manners, loved by his peers, great grades....that is why I don't get riled up about it with him, it's over the top to me. Yes, he should visit a place to witness the "real" problems out there. Wait until S is a teenager! And we are dealing with alcohol, drugs, sex....how will H handle that?

As far as the present, here is my take. My son is unique in that he rarely comes across something he really wants. He does not ask for things, and at Christmas and birthdays, when he is asked what he wants, we usually get the answer nothing or I don't know. Usually I do a grand gesture gift, but not much of a reaction from S. I don't think it's because he is spoiled, I really think it's because he really doesn't want this stuff, like he said! This year, I got S a bedspread set he liked and an ipad charger, that's it. He told me, all he wanted was a party with friends, and that's what I did. I kept it simple and he was perfectly happy. I think H is seeing S reaction to the gift as ungrateful, even though he said thank you, but S did not ask for it, he asked for nothing. H can't punish him for that?

I need to start writing these things down, to bring up in counseling.

As far as chores, I made a list of everything I do to keep our home running. What a list!!! I am going to sit with S tonight and have him pick which ones he can help me out with. We watched the good dinosaur the other day, and the parents explained to the kids, they have a farm that needs to be tended to, for shelter and food, and they would run it together, as a family. It was the perfect explanation for me to give S about chores.

H took my simple response to his rant today well. He pointed out he was not blaming me for anything. At drop off, we chatted friendly as usual. He helped me out by cleaning up a beautiful mouse head cat left me.

We are bracing for our next storm tonight, this time I have S and dog with me. Did I mention I slept in S room last night, even though he was not here? Lol. It's the only room with no trees nearby, I felt safe. YES, I am a wimpy California girl during these storms.