Baby steps

[Painter]

I know you feel strongly about this, Zues, but I won't live in a M that is nothing but friends with benefits. H has refused to communicate, changed the terms of the M and broken the trust, so yes, I consider him pretty responsible for the breakdown of this M.

He says he has recommitted to the M, but is in fact very withholding and says right out that he goes by how he feels from day to day. That's not what I call committment. He refuses to hug me, touch me or to spend time with me. He wants to ML every now and then, but that's the only time we are anything but roommates.

I am accepting of H the way he is, I don't have a problem with us being different or having different views, needs, perspectives or opinions. To me, that is enriching. He is the one who can't tolerate that I'm different, and who is frequently very angry at me for having other opinions or want to do something differently. He seems to feel he should have authority over me, and challenges me every day about issues he knows we disagree on to try to start a fight.

I have never said anything about 'my ideal of a man'. I have said that this relationship does not give me what I need, namely affection and love.

The thing is - I'm equally accepting of myself and what I need, so I'm going to stop ignoring the damage this is doing to my soul and heart and work my way back to health. The situation is breaking me down - it's becoming a matter of emotional survival.

I was thinking about relationships I had before and felt a small shock when I remembered that I didn't use to be afraid of saying anything to my partner in case they had a rage fit. And that it doesn't have to be like that.

It's interesting to see that since yesterday, when I suggested he move out, he has given me two warm hugs, taken my hand to hold, and felt very warmly towards me. I know that if we decided to give it another try, he'd pull right back again. He only wants me when he thinks he can't have me. I'm getting off this rollercoaster.