Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[KGirl]

Well, we know how much I struggle with knowing what expectations of people are normal, so I'm not the best advice person.. but maybe have some things to ponder. I have uttered nearly the exact same thing: "I really enjoy when we're together but the in-between times are SO HARD." Not sure if it comes from being used to living with someone where there wasn't "in-between time" or what.

So first thought, from one of my wiser friends - she has told me it may be better to wait and see if a pattern develops before bringing something up (and of course, in a non-threatening, curious sort of way), rather than immediately question it the first time something happens. If there is a pattern of him asking questions/wanting things from you, when you've made it clear you're not in a position to "give" right now, it seems totally reasonable to bring it up. If it's just one time it may be a coincidence, and maybe not? My friend passed this one from the therapist she used to see when her marriage was ending, who would say that people can get overwhelmed and feel threatened if they are questioned, even gently, every time something negative happens.

If it bothers you, it's worth bringing up, especially if there are multiple instances/ways in which you're feeling like you're not getting attention. The "I'm not sure there's a point to saying I want more attention if he doesn't want to give it on his own" is worrisome. It sort of sounds like you'd expect him to read your mind/"if he doesn't do it on his own, it's not genuine." But we NEED to let people know that's what we want/need, otherwise they may have no idea. Maybe he wants to give more attention but worries about being smothering or seeming too clingy. It just may not occur to him - that doesn't mean he won't, if it's important to you. If after talking about it and making it clear that it's important he still won't do it or doesn't feel like he needs to make an effort, THEN there's a real issue. It sounds like he's not intending to be inattentive, it just slips his mind.

Other thought - I have a colleague I really respect and find wise, in his late 50's. We talked a little about what happened w/ my XBF in terms of him not sharing things, etc., and his response was: "Well, he's a guy. That's just how we are." I don't know that this is an excuse, or a generalization that actually applies, but it does make me wonder if we're over-expecting partners to be things that they just aren't raised or socialized to be (especially compared to us when we've been through counseling, a lot of self-help material, etc.) and we're looking for unicorns that just don't exist. Hmm.

And re: texting, I struggle with this too. I've been reading a relationship-related blog/website pretty closely and really like most of what it has to say. However, the writer is adament that texting, emailing, etc. is a lazy form of communication and that people who primarily rely on that are emotionally unavailable/not really "in" the relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about that - texting/messaging is my primary form of communication with everyone, I rarely pick up the phone, so I'm not sure if this actually reflects as poorly as she's saying. HOWEVER, if you have asked for more phone calls and he won't follow up, that's a legit issue you can point to.

And lastly.. maybe this will feel very differently once your cold blows over..!