My w sent me this message today. It was heart breaking. I don't know if there is any hope. I sent her a book on how couples can return from porn issues. I hope she reads it. Please give me your thoughts...
I just wanted to say something. Please actually read it, and take notice... and don't just skim it to see what the end result is. I will never completely get over the loss of my marriage, despite what you may think... about how this is all so easy for me. Ok, if I had just found the porn on your phone... perhaps with some counselling etc. I could have got over that. I'm not certain I would have, because of our history with it, but I could have tried. If it had just been your issues with Erica... perhaps with Colin's help, we could have sorted that out, although from what I've seen recently, I'm sceptical. If it had just been that I felt I was constantly overcompensating for you, not being a true giving human being, generous with love, and giving what you can to make other people happy perhaps I could have been more patient and tried harder to get you to see all the things you were missing that were right in front of your eyes., although partly that's your personality and that can't be changed. If it had just been that we lacked intimacy in our relationship perhaps I could have tried to spark things up, maybe even tried sex therapy, although the fact that you were so consumed with getting your kicks elsewhere and had nothing left of you to give, I doubt it would have worked. If it was just that you needed time away from us for your own hobbies, perhaps I could have been more accepting although it was very hard to understand how you can watch everything fall apart and put playing about with models and mixing before your own family and marriage. If it had just been that we were struggling to communicate, perhaps we could have tried marriage counselling, but then haven't we been here before? And it all stopped when I was 'off your case' for a while. If it had just been that you seemed to lack compassion when I was upset, perhaps I could have learned how to make myself feel better inside, without you needing to do it for me. If it had just been that you seemed to not care about work, or being a better provider for us, and wanting the best for your family... perhaps I could have worked more, or encouraged you to better yourself. But I have tried in the past, something always stops you and makes you think you are not good enough. If it had just been that I was tired and run down from doing pretty much everything for our family physically, mentally and emotionally, yeah perhaps we could have got through that too... maybe. BUT you put all those things together, and it just seems like an impossible black hole of upset and constant disappointment and it's very hard to have any energy left to salvage anything. Don't get me wrong, if I had been a bad wife, unforgiving and unwilling to try to make things better... sure I deserve all that crap. But I was fighting a daily battle for my marriage, and I lost every time. I cried in the toilet when no one was around, I questioned my actions and constantly felt insecure because I was getting older and uglier. There was no way I was going to be able to pull this back, as strong as I might be. BUT what finally broke me was seeing that you didn't need me at all. You could look at Italian Milfs anytime you liked on your phone... what did you need me for? They're better looking, younger and don't answer back. I was dreading our future. How much worse could this possibly get.... I had to get out. For my own sanity and for the sake of our children... it had to be over.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Vapo, CWOL and Broke are all giving you solid advice regarding not moving out. Listen to them! You are being played by a woman that is very different than the woman you fell in love with and married. You can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does. She is nice to you in order for you to do what she wants, nothing more.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! It is time to embrace DB for your own sanity.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
that sounds to me like she is blowing smoke up your ass. She is just making excuses IMO. I am not saying you do not have issues. I am sure you have issues. Own your stuff, recognize your faults and work on them, but DO NOT blindly follow her accusations.
I would suggest you go over your W's list and analyze each point she made. But be careful not to own stuff that is not your to own. I am curious to see, what you will come up with.
And no, do not talk to her about it, if you even contemplate having a "talk" with her about the issues and you falling on your sword and making all sorts of promises how you are going to better yourself, forget it, her mind is made up, and nothing you say or do will move her. I hope you do realize that.
My problem Cristy is that the children are suffering now because of my w's frustration towards me. The D is in progress and my wife wanting space is probably the only way for me let her miss me and the marriage.
I have stayed in the house for over 2 months now and tried DB but nothing has worked. She is resolute whilst I am here and I'm sure her mom and sister giving her bad advice is not helping.
The messages I get seem to be about justifying her reasons to D. She speaks of possible solutions now, but never offered anything like counselling or therapy before. Everything was swept under the carpet or I would get emails threatening that if I didn't change, it was over. All it did was make me go underground and hope that the storm would pass.
Vapo, I will go through the list as you requested with my take....
- The issues with my D8 were mainly caused with her being bullied at school. She then started to mimic my w's attitude towards me, has attachement issues and my w did nothing to support me, infact, continued to start arguments with me in front of her. I felt isolated.
- The issues with showing love and being giving, yes I am at fault for not being overly loving, but I adored the children and my w, but she couldn't see it. She would criticize me for not being selfless enough, although now she says that I have improved.
-The lack of intimacy was a major problem. I watched porn, but the models I would choose resembled my w. I was literally fantasizing about my own w!! She was not interested, I felt I could never get close to her. We didn't talk about intimacy or sex. She was so unapproachable. In the end, it was easier to "get off" to porn than try harder. Never was sex therapy an option until this letter.
-My hobbies used to be an issue as I have always played in bands and was a semi pro guitarist. After we married, I stopped gigging and just played for my own enjoyment. She resented it and saw it as a waste of time and that it took me away from time with her and the children. It was a big part of who I was. I stopped playing completely in September of last year to make her happier. It didn't work.
- The communication issue was a major problem. We never really talked about us. It was generally about the kids and we were always too tired in the evening. She would withdraw into herself and so would I. Never was counselling a suggestion at the time. Lack of compassion may have been her way of saying that I was not listening to her. I agree, maybe I missed a great deal of things out of fear of being criticized or left.
- My latest job was an issue for her. I had been made redundant twice in two years. I took what I could get in my field. The work involved me starting at 5am and finishing at 2pm. She thought I was shirking and not earning enough. That will now change as I have finally found a high paying, long hours position...she isn't interested in any of it now. Our lives could be so much better but she is too resolute with the D.
-My W did everything around the house and with the kids. She dealt with all the finances but also, didn't allow me to have any say over anything. I felt like a child in my own home. She then lost respect for me and didn't see me as a man anymore.
The porn has really hit her hard. She thinks she is not attractive. I think that it may be the one issue that if she can work through, even have therapy, may help us. I feel like we never really knew each other deeply. She would presume things about me and I didn't pay enough attention or show enough interest, Partly, I was scared of upsetting her but failed anyway.
Moving out, bettering myself and living my own life seems the only solution. If she sees the change then her heart may soften with time. I don't know, I need step by step advice specific to my sitch.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I watched the latest James Bond film today and it made me think. How does a man in my position become more of a man? How can I be this confident attractive being when I have become a whipped husband who was too hesitant to make his wife look up to him?
How can a shift like that take place..how can I achieve it?
I am sure that my W is looking to see that in me. It may help turn things round although I still don't know how to help her through all the hurt.
I am curious to know what you think..
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I have only one month left in my "cooling off" period before we can start work on the D. The only way I can look at it is to continue DB'ing for me and not to worry about the timing. If our WAS really want to be back in our lives, they will make it happen. It won't matter if the D is final or not. So, my advice would be to keep GAL'ing, detaching and doing your 180's. Try to make it about you though and not just for the hope of reconciliation. I know it is hard - but, that is what I am trying to do too. Stay strong
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
