Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

I'm just reflecting on this whole situation. Spent a lot of alone time yesterday and the night before, reading up on MLC, cleaning house, packing things up.

Watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" for a bit as I was writing some thank you notes. When I was dating H and early on in our marriage, everyone called him Ferris because he looked like a taller version of Matthew Broderick (Ferris). Same impish grin, big expressive eyes. H has aged better than Matthew, though. It brought back memories, but also started me thinking of the MLC stages and what I know of H's happy and unhappy experiences.

He always felt that he was the skinny, pimply-faced nerd with big ugly glasses in high school (I've seen the pictures, he really wasn't). He felt no girl would want to be with him. He ended up dating a younger Mormon girl who, when she let him hold her hand, it was a big deal. His dad, a very controlling person who loved to tell him how he did everything wrong, was very vocal about how he didn't like her. My H, very stubborn, was drawn to her more by this.

When she went off to college (he was a year older and commuted to a local school), H drove two states away to visit her. She acted like it inconvenienced her and hadn't told anyone she even had a boyfriend. He did this twice and slept in his truck. After the second effort, he gave up on her; rejected, embarrassed, sad and angry.

I'm seeing some parallels in our situation. He has convinced himself that I didn't like him or love him; I was also "always telling him he was wrong" even though I never uttered those words. I never appreciated the things he did for me, either. Is he revisiting these low points in his life through targeting me? Getting through these old insecurity issues by taking control by rejecting me as he felt rejected?

The good times in his life were when he later lived away from home and went to grad school. He (see if this sounds familiar) ate, slept, and did school during the week and had no life, but on the weekends he played hard with his friends, drank (he was finally 21), hosted barbecues at his home, and skied AND brought friends up to his grandfather's lake house during the warmer seasons. Much like now. Then, the world was his oyster...he had a rosy future ahead of him. I think he was desperate to relive those good times and he is now doing that. Weird.

His friends (my former social group) that are still with him were those former popular kids that he wasn't accepted by in high school (not really, just symbolically) the athletes and party girls, the cheerleaders. But now he can play bartender, provide his own waterfront party venue, and take them on fun "business trips" as vacations. He has a way in!

I know this sounds bitter, but I guess I'm just trying to make sense of something that doesn't really make sense...a way of controlling something I have no control over by looking for answers. Is he tired, sad, and depressed right now because he's entering a new stage? Is it just because he's around me? The more I try NC, the more he contacts me, but we also have a lot to do together due to impending D. I can drive myself nutty analyzing each detail. So I guess I just wait, but live my life at the same time.

He's supposed to come over and work on the property with me today. And I will smile, make eye contact, be cheerful and no R talk or probing questions. Remember my mantra. I wonder who he will be?

This is just a crazy situation.