Looking for a Spark in the dark

[Sparkls]

Journaling for the day: Reminding myself that doing nothing is doing something.
The one thing I will say for myself is that although I have a crap ton of emotions that are LITERALLY all over the place on any given day, I haven't acted on any of them. How's that for self control. The picture WH has gotten is very different from how I'm actually feeling. (somewhat angry letter telling him he was disrespecting me, I deserved and for right now, he was not welcome in my home. Then the encounter yesterday with what I can best describe as upbeat indifference towards him (or at least thats what I hope it came across as).
I mean...kicking him out was based on emotion but also protecting myself and my home...
Today is 4 weeks from the first "I'm not happy and was going to leave you" speech and I feel like it's just only gotten worse. It went from theoretical plans that he kept delaying (I was going to leave you then, but I wanted to wait until you were done with school and blah blah). Affair came to light, he's gone, living with her, saying that it'll never work between us to anyone who will listen, and that he's going to move 2000 miles away. The little voice is saying believe nothing he's saying and little of what he's doing because he's just in a fog. It's a situation where I have no control except for when to say I'm done and I know right now, I'm not there. I was just talking to a dear family friend on the phone and he was being a little too "okay move on already" and I ended up snapping at him because everyone is telling me its over and to just get on with getting on and I'm not ready to. But it seems like he's moving on without me and so the only tiny bit of control I really had I feel like is getting ripped out of my hands. Ya know, at what point am I just being that sad pathetic girl who won't accept that her boyfriend dumped her.
On the other weird hand, he hasn't gotten all of his stuff, hasn't changed our FB status, hasn't removed me as a friend on his Xbox, all the things you normally do when you're burning the bridge with your ex, right? That must mean there's some hesitancy, some desire to still have me in his life. And as long as there's that, there's hope.
Or he's lazy and just hasn't gotten around to it.
I hate this. I really, really hate this.